Sunday, July 31, 2011

Nous sommes signifies pour etres

Here I am on my usual Saturday night after work, I have the next two days off, and I'm happy and carefree as a clam. I love when I have two days off in a row. Love, love, love. And that's about all I'm loving these days. I've decided to take a 'leave of absence' from work starting on Aug.22nd. I'm going to help my mom move up to Jupiter, and look for a house to buy. We'll stay at my sister's house together until she finds something. I just have such a hard time facing the fact that my poor mother is going thru all this, and there is nothing I can do, AGAIN, to make her feel better. Nothing. This helpless feeling eats you alive. It really does that to me. I talked with my mom just yesterday when she got back from seeing her boyfriend at the hospital, and she told me they told her he had a stroke in the night sometime, on top of all the other things he has wrong with him, that happens. Horrible, horrible way for anyone to end up. It's breaking my mother's heart, and that breaks my heart. I know I need to be there for her, to help get her settled, and comfortable. My oldest brother, and his wife are coming down next week(from GA.) to help her pack, and they are going to get as much stuff as they can up to my sister's house,....but until then,....she's going to stay in that big house alone until I get there. Sooooo,....yeah,...that's my plan. It'll be hard to be away from Munky and the kittehs,and of course!, my husband, but I gotta do what I gotta do. My mom has always been there for me, every single time in my life,....and I can't imagine not helping her when she needs me most. I can't. People who don't have good relationships w/ there parents and family just kills me,...I would do anything in the world for any of my siblings and my mom. ANYTHING. I'll never understand anything other than that. Never. What I would give to have my father back, what I'd give to have my in-laws back,....or my husbands sister who passed away right before I met him. People who take their family for granted will never understand them not being in this world anymore. It's very draining, never stop missing them, or wanting to talk to them, or just holding their hand, and knowing they are there for you,.....never,....sometimes it drains every ounce of everything outta me, and I know it does the same with my husband. He has had virtually every close friend he has ever had pass away, starting with when I met him. Too many for anyone to go thru at any age. One of them is what split us up at the time,....we both just couldn't handle the fact that our friend committed suicide one night after he left our place, and we usually turn off our phone when we go to bed, and we were the last 8 calls he made, and that was it. They found him at his grandparents house,overdosed. When we got up the next morning, his girlfriend,(who we all four hungout together,) called us at 7am, and told us what had happened and the next thing was the police knocking on our door to interview us about the night before. It stunned us like nothing ever had. We both just stayed in our own little world blaming ourselves, and letting it eat us alive. Yep. My husband drank, and drank like I'd never seen before in our 13 yrs. together. And I back-peddled into my own depression,...and it escalated to us splitting up. My husband went to New York to see his ex-wife, and I bought my own place and moved out into an unknown world to me. It was a very strange, life-changing thing for us both. I try to honestly NEVER take my husband for granted since then. I know how lucky I am for us to have gotten back together, and realize we were 'meant to be'. He's not one for cliche' things like that, but he agrees,....we are 'meant to be'.

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