Well, I'm still here. I'm working like crazy,....and I feel like I'm falling apart, AND getting myself together at the same time. Weird, or what? I'm getting up earlier everyday, and I'm doing cardio,...(hey,-it's a start, right?) I really want to move outta this house, and this area. I don't know how to start that discussion without causing an outright fight with my husband. I'm just really unhappy here. And paranoid,.....and unhappy. And that's all I'm gonna say about it all. I have to start getting him to think he's getting the house ready for us to move. And I wanna puppy/dog. So bad. So,....so,....SO bad. I keep seeing all these horrific things everywhere in the online newspaper about people doing horrifying things to animals, and maybe if I can help just one of those peanuts, I'd be a little happier, and happier with myself even. Just a little. Besides, I'm great with doggies (goggies.) I'll keep trying to convince the big man, and see what he says. Eventually I'll get my way,..... Haven't shopped in awhile, and I'm itching to get these shoes I saw on Nordstroms(website),....I might just have to get them. It's funny,....my taste is changing so much, I see it flashing before my eyes. I'm actually starting to look at shoes, and hoping they are comfortable, and not just looking good. That's all I used to care about,....I didn't care how bad they hurt, they just had to look good, - period. For real, I didn't care whatsoever. Now~ they better look good AND feel good all in one. Must. Be. Comfortable. Now. (I really am getting old,-aren't I? ) This is all part of it,....and there is no going back. I'm really starting to realize things in my life, like I'm going to have another chance or something,......I dunno',.....sometimes I wonder if it's all cracked up to what it's suppose to be. All the good stuff seems to go by and you don't even realize that it's the good stuff til it's already over. I mean,-am I right? That's really how I feel. What's that saying?- "This isn't a dress rehearsal, so make it count".
I'm working like an animal, and I'm counting the seconds to my next day off. Tomorrow night at 9pm, I will be off until Tues. afternoon. Yay me. AND I actually called the cops on someone at work Thursday night because she came in to order some wine, and we didn't have it, and she began to yell, scream and curse at me and the other person I was working with. Ya know what? That's not how you get someone to help you find the wine you're looking for,(you stupid, ignorant, bitch.) She came back in THREE times,(to yell, curse, and scream some more at us,) and I had already called the police, but by the time they got there she was already gone. Is life that bad, that you go off on someone because we ran out of the wine you want, at that very second of the day? Really? REALLY? And the dumbass cops took two seconds to get 6 cop cars at our house when they thought we were dealing drugs from our home(and proceeded to dismantle our home, and life in 5 more minutes flat!,).....but nnnoooooooooo,......at least 5 mins. to get to my work place,....you pigs. Yes, I still have some anger issues, I know, and believe it or not, I am working on them, but when things like this happen, I just get so angry, I want to scream, and hit someone,(preferably whoever it is that's being the ass*&^%.) So yes, this week was not a fun one at work. I hate my life, and job, and the only thing getting me thru is my kittehs, husband, and family. I HATE South Florida to high hell. The people get rude-er by the second, and I'm NOT JOKING. I've seen it all, and let me tell ya, it's NOT pretty, I don't give a rats ass how nice the weather seems to be to some. I came home after that day, and just crawled into bed after taking Munky for a nice hour and a half walk, (nice quiet time, just us two,) and my husband made me some dinner, and I went in and crawled into bed. That is the only way to end a day like that. I didn't argue, or fight with my husband, or even with anyone at all,....just tried to forget it, but before that I think my blood pressure shot thru my head, and stressed me out to no end. I was so clenched and tight, I hadn't even realized it until I sat down in the grass outside with Munky and took a deep breath. For almost 6 hours, I must've been like that,....and right now I'm paying for it, because my shoulder is in pain again, and I know it's from that. (That stupid bitch from Thurs. night.) God help her if I ever run into her outside of work, that's all I gotta say.
Sometimes all is right in the world, and sometimes you just feel like something needs to be done. At least that's how I feel. My mom is settled already,......all my siblings are doing good, the friends I do have are all good, and our legal fiasco is over,...so life feels almost right, right now. You ever have those 'things' that you just feel like you need to do in your own universe? Whatever it may be? I have some unresolved issues I need to let an ex know about, for me to feel like things are right. I mean I just need to let him know that things that happened were NOT all his fault. This may sound dramatic, but I couldn't 'live with myself' if I didn't let him know that things were just not all his fault. I have NO FEELINGS for him, I don't want any future contact with him, I don't want any thing at all from him, but just to know that HE knows that I realize things weren't all his fault, and he's not a bad person. That is all. Literally. For real. That is it. I LOVE my husband, and could NOT imagine my life without him. Ever. I just couldn't. I know I'm right where I want to be. This is the only thing thats bugging me tho. I just feel like I have to do this, and still somehow, I feel like if I told my husband, he'd be hurt or feeling betrayed in some way. I just know that I don't feel right if I don't do it, so I think I will. I think. I don't know. I keep going back-n-forth. I dunno'. Oh,........whatever.
Funny how you remember certain things in your life from certain times. I wonder what makes you remember and think of them? I do wonder. I had a dream about a childhood friend who was shot and killed by her boyfriend because she didn't want to be with him any longer. I knew her since kindergarten. I had this dream of her as a little kid, and I was a grown-up, and I picked her up and put her on a counter, and she was in front of these giant floor to ceiling windows, and the sky was black, and ready to storm, and all of a sudden we see funnel clouds starting to form, and she was scared, and I kept consoling her saying that my husband was with us, and would take care of everything, and keep us safe. And the three kittehs were there, and safe, knowing that. I told my husband about the dream, and he wondered what it meant. I know that it meant that I feel safe with him with me, like never I have since my father died. Kinda eye-opening. Brought back so many feelings, and memories, made me very sad. I've had two extremely close childhood friends die sudden deaths, and I did NOT handle it well. Not at all, and thank God my parents were there to help me thru it. I am SOOOO lucky, - I know. My parents actually came to my work, and brought me home before telling me one of my friends died in a horrific car accident the day before. I knew her since 6th grade. (My father came across her obituary when he was reading the morning paper.) She was smart, beautiful, and her family was rich. She was everything I wanted to be, and I hoped at the time, that if I was friends with her long enough, I would be just like her. I idolized her. She even actually dated some famous people, (I won't say who, but I have firsthand pictures that I took,) of who she dated while she was in high school. Yeah, I think back now, and it was a scary thought. How could her parents let her date someone older than her like that? So much more experienced? I could never let my high school child date someone that much more experienced, and older,....that's like throwing her to the wolves. I just couldn't NO MATTER WHAT. I COULD NOT-EVER. EVER!!!! Whatever I guess. Who am I to judge,...but it really makes me wonder. AND,....it makes me miss and wonder what might've been. I miss them so much. They both gave me so many great, fun, childhood memories, that I could never forget. Never. They will forever be in my heart. Funny how dreams bring back so many memories so vividly.
I love when I have my days off. I feel so comfy and happy. I talked with my mom and sister, and everything is going smooth with my mom. She is totally moved in, but just needs to unpack stuff. My niece has already stayed with her overnight, and loves it there. She says it's very comfortable and home-y. (Yay.) I'm glad, my mom sounds relieved. So it's already a week I've been home, and I worked seven days straight, and that's NOT FUN. (This week will be a piece of cake.) My SIL came over last night and we had a nice dinner, and watched 'Breaking Bad', and she went home early, and started telling her about this movie I really want her to see. 'The Town' with Ben Affleck, and Jeremy Renner. GREAT movie. I feel like how they do in the movie, it's us,(my husband and I),against them,(the cops.) It's extremely rough,(or at least my husband and I think so,) the language is atrocious, and violence is there, but it's a great movie regardless. Ben Affleck wrote and directed I think. Makes you see things from different perspectives, and how other people's lives are so different than your own. Made me think a lot. I grew-up very middle-class, loving parents that were married my entire life, and two older brothers, two older sisters who never wanted for anything, but we weren't handed things on a silver platter either. We all worked, in fact I'm the only stupid one in my family who didn't go to college. (I'm still kicking myself for that.) I could NEVER imagine growing-up with one parent, or a parent in prison, etc. That seems so unrealistic a life to me. I honestly can't imagine it, and how different I would be. We all are pretty successful, married, have families, etc. We all call each other, and when things get rough in someone's life, we have always rallied around each other, and helped one another. So yeah, this movie really knocked me for a loop, and I love this movie like I haven't loved a movie since 'Gladiator'. Watch it, you'll be surprised.
I've been working like an animal all week. No days off til Monday,-ICK. Don't ya just feel like it never ends? I do. Sometimes I really hate work, and other times it's a welcome relief from myself. The weather here has been stormy and rainy for almost two weeks now, and every time I get a day off, it's sunny. I'm the exact opposite,....I LIKE the rainy weather,....gives me an excuse to lay in bed with Munky, and not get up all day. I LLLLOOOOVVVEEEE stormy days.(As long as I don't have to go anywhere.) So~ I finally went to the psychiatrist, and wasn't impressed. I'm going back to the other one I went to, besides,....they do pet therapy there, and you know I LOVE that. Have a big dog sit with me while I talk,(with me, on me,~doesn't matter,~ it calms me, and makes me feel more at ease, no matter what I have to face in my sessions.) The next thing I have to do is go to an endocrinologist the end of the month, and I'm still going to that chiropractor/orthopedic surgeon for my shoulder,....it still bothers me, but I'm not in pain like I was. (Somehow I dislocated my shoulder without knowing,) and he had to put it back in place,....with NO PAIN KILLER, right there in the office,...lemme' tell ya, that was no picnic. Even my husband wasn't thrilled with doing that, and he has a very HIGH threshold for pain. I did it, it's done, and I'm doing my exercises the dr. told me to do, to keep my shoulder and neck pain-free,....so far so good. Other than that, nothing else new or exciting. My mom is getting settled in her new place, and she feels very comfortable and at home,...(that counts for a lot.) My brother is staying with her for a few nights a week, and my niece goes over there after classes to do her homework, and keep her company, and she has Friday dinner at my sister's house with everyone there. I'd so love to move up there. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that I can talk my husband into moving up there,....and even just renting a place for a little while,......every week have dinner with my family,.....pure heaven to me. I miss them all so much. We all have so much fun together. I'm hoping I can talk my SIL and hubby to go up there for Thanksgiving and Christmas. (LOVE Thanksgiving,-it's my favorite holiday,-hate Christmas,...too much pressure what with all the gift-giving-crap, etc.) but I REALLY wanna be there for my mom. I hope we can do it. So, how exciting am I? Really? Really? I AM getting old, aren't I? Geesh.
Sometimes things feel like they are happening to someone else. Sometimes you change, and you know it, or don't know it,....but all this happening to my step-dad, and my mom, has changed me and I know it. For the better tho. I am starting to realize things, and come out of my depression a little bit. Life is to live,.....and I'm trying. If I could only get my husband to realize the same thing now. We have to get out of this house. We have to. And no big changes will happen as long as we are living here. We have to move on,....it's killing us the longer we stay here. It's draining the very life out of us. I see that now. Every time I open that damn front door, I picture the SWAT team on the other side. I re-live them tearing this house apart as we sat here watching and being unable to do anything about it. I picture my poor scared Sugar running from room to room not knowing what to do,...(that alone makes me cry thinking about it, and hate those damn pigs for not letting me calm him, or let him outside. He was so scared. I HATE them forever for that.) I just know every day I remember and re-hash things in my head thinking it will change something. I know better but I keep doing it. Next week, going to the dr. will help me a lot again. I have to start again somewhere. And I've been doing cardio a half hour a day since I've gotten home from my sister's. I'm trying so hard to pull myself up and out of this depression, I'm not sure I would ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am now,.....I think. I hope it stays with me,.....and I'm still waiting on that confirmation letter, and that will totally end all the bad on that part,.....right along with today's funeral that's already over. It's all almost over.
Well tomorrow is the funeral, and I'm having a hard time with it. Going back there just reminds me that things are now forever different, and most likely we won't be going down there anymore,...or at least for a very long time. I'll never feel like a little kid again, like I did when I would go down there and spend a few days,......I really did feel like I was a kid again,...very safe, cocooned,...and childlike. Very, very hard. So one part of our life is over, and another chapter begins,(as they say.) Just hard dealing with it. I have a psychiatrist appt. next week. I never got re-evaluated like I was supposed to, and now is a good time as ever. Watching 'Zombieland' again right now, and getting ready to make some eggs, bacon, and pancakes for us for breakfast. I love breakfast food,...anytime of day, morning, noon, or night, 24/7. I never get sick of it. When I was a kid my father would always make me scrambled eggs, and ever since than, breakfast food has always been my favorite. SOOOO ~ going to my SIL for dinner tonight,...I'm looking forward to it. Monday I go back to work, and I'm already dreading it. I keep remembering back to when I didn't work, and how great it was, but in this day and age, it's the right thing to do, no matter what kinda money we have saved. Any little bit is better than nothing coming in, and I will be happy one day and look back, and actually appreciate that I worked. Well,~ here are the pictures of the home we left in Key Largo. Still mourning the loss.