Thank god for kittehs

This is what makes me happy all the time, and I need that whenever I can get it. My kittehs. Munky and Sugar are the little lights of my life. I love to watch them outside looking at lizards, or frogs, hiding in the bushes, or jumping in the air to catch a flying bug.Even in the house, when they are running, and playing tag,-they are adorable and amazing.I NEVER tire of watching them. I learn to be more patient from them. (They have the patience of a saint when they hunt.) I've learned to be quiet and listen,- silence can tell you a lot. To be more aware always. Yes, my kittys make me a better person believe it or not. I have learned from them, and in return I hope I've given them a better life, and all my love, and that in my little world, says a lot. My babies. Thank god for kittehs,...and ALL animals; the loves of my life.

I used to, I was, I wish

Okay, so I'm going to try this again and not think about all my anxiety, and self-doubts, and all my stupid feelings of inadequacy. I'm going to think about my good times when I was in shape and weightlifting, and still thought I wasn't good enough. I used to dress like all the girls do now, all my favorite fashionistas. (Nicole Richie, Olsen twins, Rachel Bilson, Kate Bosworth.) I used to be that size but more in shape and with some muscle tone, and tanned. Yep,...I look back now, and think I was pretty cool and didn't even know it. (NOT trying to be conceded by any means, but I tried, and I looked like I want to look now,-looking back on it,-that's all.) I always dressed in cowboy boots, and high wedges, -ALWAYS-, even in ripped up denim shorts, and old t-shirts. So my look now is more like; whatever fits, is clean, and doesn't make me feel like a clown, I'm wearing and that's just pitiful. Totally. Our lifestyle has changed, and I don't know how to get it back on track. I don't. I keep saying that when we move from here, things will get back to normal, but really? That could be another year, or six months even. I'm so sick of waiting for our 'normal' life to start. It's so hard, and I don't know how to climb out of this hole I've dug for myself. I'm really trying, but most of the time I'm just too damn tired to be organized, or put an outfit together, or even care. It's Valentine's Day, and I could barely get outta my jammies, and go run my errands for eBay,......and yep, I called in sick at work,....THAT'S how bad I'm feeling. I just can't deal. I can't. What the hell is wrong with me?......................and oh yeah,.....Happy Valentines Day. Whopee.

Falling apart

Work is just kicking my butt totally, or I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. Everything right now just feels and seems like just too much. I'm overwhelmed, and the smallest thing is putting me off. I want to just cry at the drop of a hat. Work, home, cooking, selling on eBay, all of it is just too much pressure and I don't know why. Am I going crazy, or having a nervous breakdown after all this time? I mean what. I don't get it. I can't even blog here because I feel like it's too much pressure, and then days go by, and I feel like I'm neglecting this, and then it's like the gym,....the longer your away, the harder it is to go back. And it's hard. Still doing cardio, but still not going to the gym and weightlifting. Yup. I don't know what I'm doing. What am I doing? This is how I'm feeling right now, and it's no wonder I haven't written here in days beyond days. Sorry. I'll be back.