Sunday, February 26, 2012

Push me pull me thing

I'm off for the next two days, and I'm doing the happy dance right now just thinking about it. This week at work put me over the edge. So I dusted off my resume, and brought it to someone who I know works in HR for over 20 years to look it over for anything that needs to be worked on, put on there differently, etc. being that everyone and their grandmother right now is out looking for work. Scary time right now. That job is just making me crazy, and one more thing and I don't know what I'll do, I'm so frickin' angry. And to top it all off, this Tuesday, (after my two blissful days off,) we have a 9am meeting, followed by some stupid class, followed by me working all night til 10pm. Really? REALLY? 9AM is like the middle of night for me. And then to not be able to go home and take a nap before working 9 more hours. C'mon. Maybe I'm just being a brat, but I'm really NOT HAPPY 'bout any of it. I just need something else, a more office type setting that I don't have to deal with the public AT ALL. It's not rocket science,-believe me. ANYWAYS~ selling stuff on eBay still, and I'll be putting more stuff on there today. Buying stuff too. That's the dangerous part for me. I can ALWAYS find an awesome deal on SOMETHING on there. Very dangerous for me and my little bank account. I just found out my brother and his wife are coming for a visit next weekend from Georgia. It's very hard for me to not be my usual cynical mean self towards all the police/fire departments since my oldest brother and his best friend became firefighters, and eventually my brother became lieutenant and then captain of the county that they were working for.That's how he met my sister-in-law, she worked on the office end of the fire department and police department. And one of his daughters (my nieces and nephews,) works for 911 dispatch there, the other one married a cop, and his son is a firefighter now too in the same firehouse as his father,...and the daughter who works for 911 dispatch just married a firefighter too. So it's all in the family to put it mildly. Down here in South Florida, even the firefighters aren't so wonderful. Trust me,-I've had first hand experience with that too. (I'm not telling the story tho.) So,....after what MY husband and I have been thru with our legal nightmare of a life story here at this house for the last 4 to 5 years , I do not think very highly of any law enforcement/fire dept. etc. NIGHTMARE that changed my husband and I and our lives forever. I will never be the same person ever again,....and I'll probably never get over it. Never. I'm too damn angry. But like I said, it's very hard to be the loving, sweet little sister that my brother knows, when he has no idea what we've been thru, and my husband and I agreed, that the less people know in our family, the better. Trust me. But I'm torn. Always with my brother and his family. I love them dearly, and they are a blast to be around,.....and my nieces and nephews have grown up to be smart, wonderful, funny, people I LOVE to be around,....that being said,....they would just never understand the stupidity of the stuff we just went thru. So it's a push-me-pull-me kinda thing. I still can't wait to see them tho. I love my family immensely, and when we finally move to Canada, that will be the single hardest thing I have to do, is be away from them. I mean, I look forward to family get-togethers, unlike most people when the holidays roll around, they can only take so much time with their families. Not me. I relish every moment, and all the chaos, the food, the laughing, I absolutely love it. Sometimes, life is just not fair, and there's nothing you can do about it, ya know?

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Chugging along

I'm off from work today, and it's very much needed. It's after 8pm, and I haven't even gotten outta my jammies. I did take the kittehs for a walk for a couple hours tho. I listed some things on eBay, and won an auction for a really cute sterling necklace that is a puffed gucci link. Very nice. So yeah, I feel okay right now. Watching the Panthers play the Wild. Good game, but it's only been one period, so we'll see how they do. It won't make or break my night if they win or lose.(I'm a Montreal Canadiens/Colorado Avalanche fan.) I just love to watch hockey, no problem there. (My husband's family always told me I'll fit right in, in Canada, every Saturday night it's Hockey Night in Canada on TV with Don Cherry who I love, so I'll be in heaven dere with dat.) I did do 45 mins. of cardio, and I'm glad I did,....I just can't find any energy right now to do anything. None. My husband just went to the gym, I have my two hours of quiet time with Munky. (Sugar went over to the neighbors house for his quiet time.) So right now, all is well. The sound is muted, lit a candle, and sitting here on the computer, with Munky laying out by the front door,...(which is open for her, with the screen door shut and double locked,) and I'm in my happy place right now. Ahhhhh. Nice. Quiet. Relaxing. I don't ask for much. I don't think I do at least. Anyways~ that's all my life going on today. Boring, boring, boring. But I do have this Sunday and Monday off, and I'm looking forward to it tremendously. Yay.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I'm trying

I haven't been writing here like I used to. Life seems to be getting the better of me, and I'm having
a hard time coping. I feel overwhelmed. My job is running me over. Trying to get two places ready to sell is making me crazy. I guess I'm still depressed. My panic attacks are still there,....and I'm having problems driving to far places. I feel like I've digressed. One step forward, two steps back. I'm on the edge of going back to the gym to start lifting weights again, and maybe that will help a little bit. But I still haven't gone. Anyways~ hoping that we will be getting outta here by July, but selling a condo and a home right now will make or break that time frame. Still selling stuff on eBay. Lots of clothes, shoes, and bags. I just got a great deal on Ross-Simons on a beautiful black diamond station necklace. (Hey,- I really have to do something to make myself feel better somehow,-besides my kittehs. For real.) Day by day, our lives go by,.....and I wonder when we will start living it again. My friend told me about a place in Palm Beach that is a wildlife sanctuary that you can actually pet, hold, and play with big cat cubs. It's not how it sounds either. It's very safe, and controlled environment for people to learn about animals and big cats. The animals are free, but the people are not aloud to roam at will. I like that. People have a lot to learn from animals. (We are the ones that should be caged.) I'm hoping my husband and I will go soon. I'd adore to be able to hold and play with big cat cubs. That would just be so unbelievable to me. Believe me, if and when we go, pictures will be posted. Trust me on that. I'm chomping at the bit waiting to go. There just seems like there is always so much to be done here, and never time for the fun stuff. I mean, we watch movies, with the kittehs, cook dinners,....etc. and still we need more stuff to have fun, and feel like we are living. This house just makes us feel like prisoners in our own home. It really does. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Well,~ I have to do cardio before work, so I'm off. Hope everyone is having a great day, I'm going to try my hardest.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Thank god for kittehs

This is what makes me happy all the time, and I need that whenever I can get it. My kittehs. Munky and Sugar are the little lights of my life. I love to watch them outside looking at lizards, or frogs, hiding in the bushes, or jumping in the air to catch a flying bug.Even in the house, when they are running, and playing tag,-they are adorable and amazing.I NEVER tire of watching them. I learn to be more patient from them. (They have the patience of a saint when they hunt.) I've learned to be quiet and listen,- silence can tell you a lot. To be more aware always. Yes, my kittys make me a better person believe it or not. I have learned from them, and in return I hope I've given them a better life, and all my love, and that in my little world, says a lot. My babies. Thank god for kittehs,...and ALL animals; the loves of my life.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I used to, I was, I wish

Okay, so I'm going to try this again and not think about all my anxiety, and self-doubts, and all my stupid feelings of inadequacy. I'm going to think about my good times when I was in shape and weightlifting, and still thought I wasn't good enough. I used to dress like all the girls do now, all my favorite fashionistas. (Nicole Richie, Olsen twins, Rachel Bilson, Kate Bosworth.) I used to be that size but more in shape and with some muscle tone, and tanned. Yep,...I look back now, and think I was pretty cool and didn't even know it. (NOT trying to be conceded by any means, but I tried, and I looked like I want to look now,-looking back on it,-that's all.) I always dressed in cowboy boots, and high wedges, -ALWAYS-, even in ripped up denim shorts, and old t-shirts. So my look now is more like; whatever fits, is clean, and doesn't make me feel like a clown, I'm wearing and that's just pitiful. Totally. Our lifestyle has changed, and I don't know how to get it back on track. I don't. I keep saying that when we move from here, things will get back to normal, but really? That could be another year, or six months even. I'm so sick of waiting for our 'normal' life to start. It's so hard, and I don't know how to climb out of this hole I've dug for myself. I'm really trying, but most of the time I'm just too damn tired to be organized, or put an outfit together, or even care. It's Valentine's Day, and I could barely get outta my jammies, and go run my errands for eBay,......and yep, I called in sick at work,....THAT'S how bad I'm feeling. I just can't deal. I can't. What the hell is wrong with me?......................and oh yeah,.....Happy Valentines Day. Whopee.

Falling apart

Work is just kicking my butt totally, or I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. Everything right now just feels and seems like just too much. I'm overwhelmed, and the smallest thing is putting me off. I want to just cry at the drop of a hat. Work, home, cooking, selling on eBay, all of it is just too much pressure and I don't know why. Am I going crazy, or having a nervous breakdown after all this time? I mean what. I don't get it. I can't even blog here because I feel like it's too much pressure, and then days go by, and I feel like I'm neglecting this, and then it's like the gym,....the longer your away, the harder it is to go back. And it's hard. Still doing cardio, but still not going to the gym and weightlifting. Yup. I don't know what I'm doing. What am I doing? This is how I'm feeling right now, and it's no wonder I haven't written here in days beyond days. Sorry. I'll be back.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Baby steps

Watching Sex and the City, hubby's out playing poker, Munky's been walked and out front watching the lizards and frogs,....and I just tried on this new perfume by Halle Berry called Reveal, and it smells AWESOME. I love it. I LLLLOOOOVVVVEEEE how it smells. The longer you have it on, the better it smells. I think I'm going to go up to the 24 HR. CVS and buy a bottle. I can't NOT. Wow. And I finally put some clothing and shoes up on eBay, and I think I'm going to put some more on there tonight. Also~getting ready for the Super Bowl!!! Let's go Patriots. (I'm NOT a Brady fan AT ALL, but to make my hubby happy, they better win Sunday.) I have the day off from work, and I'm looking forward to it. I have a very strange schedule this week, - I'm off every other day. It's kinda nice, I wish it was permanent. (So I'm off Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.) This is the first week they gave me three days off,(maybe they did listen to my request for a little break.) I'm even thinking about starting back at the gym this week. Lifting weights again, ~ I'm actually excited about it. Maybe I'm finally starting to come out of my depression induced haze of legal entanglements. Or did I say that backwards? Whatever is right,- ya'll know what I mean. I'm starting to kick my own butt back into gear. (Boy do I need this.) I'm kinda proud of myself,.....well I will be when I'm back and lifting weights. Okay, steps,- right? I'll let ya know how this week goes. Yay me.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Condo living-NOT so great

Okay,-so here's another reason why I REALLY dislike condo living; we have had our condo freshly painted, and carpeted, and as a result our furniture there was all moved and covered to the middle of each room. Now remind you, we haven't lived there in years, and we do go there sometimes to go sit on the beach in the evening when the mood strikes us, so there is no warning when we do this. SO~we get to the condo yesterday, and we had already talked with our realtor who has asked us when she can start showing it, and we told her Feb.1st, being that the furniture will all be gone by then, and we went there yesterday to do some minor cleaning and packing of little things we had there still, that we wanted. Well-we figured out that as the day went on, we were missing numerous items. An office chair to our desk, two tool boxes in our hallway closet, a garbage can that fit into our kitchen cabinet pullout, and a beautiful three foot high glass vase with some fake calla lilies in it,....I mean it was one thing after another after another, we made a list, and emailed the condo office, and sure enough we called this morning and found out that the stuff was taken by the condo mgr. who let herself in when we weren't there, after she heard we were giving all our furniture away for donation. Can you believe that? Just let herself in?! That's a lawsuit right there,....I'm telling ya,....we were STEAMING MAD, but kept it civil,...but I just can't believe someone would think it's okay to do that, and think we wouldn't know. Just crazy,....people are desperate now-a-days I guess, but really?, a garbage can?,....I mean we wouldn't care but it fits in the holder in the cabinet, so we kinda want it, ya know? And the vase with the fake flowers in it was part of our wedding arrangements, just galls me, that's all,.......I'm just at the point now where I don't trust ANYONE at all. Never again with a condo,-asshole people. Keep proving me right when I say animals are so much above us; humans. Never cease to amaze me at how greedy, mean, stupid, and selfish we are.