I worked a ten hour day today, and came home to my SIL, and hubby cooking fresh fish, steamed mussels, and fresh roasted vegetables. What an awesome dinner. Watching the Oscars,....and my girl Natalie Portman won 'Best Actress' for 'Black Swan'. I am SO HAPPY for her. I've adored and followed her ever since 'The Professional',(one of my two favorite movies of all-time, the other being 'Gladiator', and I since have added 'No Country for Old Men'.) I think she is the perfect, consummate actress. She's smart,(graduated from Harvard,) beautiful, (she's been stunning even at 11 yrs. old in 'The Professional',) very private, (I've never heard of one guy that she's ever dated,) and such a good person,(she's vegan, only wears non-leather shoes and has very strong opinions on such things,)......I should ever be even a quarter of the person that she is, I'd be happy. She's the one I'd love to be,....NOT Paris Hilton,...NOT Kim Kardashian,.......Natalie Portman. That's a true star,...someone you can believe in, who stands for what she believes, and doesn't veer from course. SORRY,...I just really believe in her, and think she's just spectacular. Okay,...enough. Anyways,....I've been very depressed the last week or two. It was nice coming home to dinner being cooked, and a happy, busy home. I really miss my family; my mom, my sister, brothers, nieces, nephews, cousins,...all,.....our life is really so different than what I thought it would ever be right now. Especially right now. Just the thought of having to go to probation next week is already killing me. Already. I just hate myself and my life right now. I don't care about anything, I'm not interested in anything,....I just wanna sleep my life away. I have 14 more gruelling months to go. O. M. G. I can't even think about that. I can't. It makes me sick. Maybe I'll have something good to say tomorrow on my day off. (If I can get my fat-ass outta bed.) If I'm real adventurous, I'll try to get my taxes done tomorrow. We'll see.
Okay, so I have off from work tomorrow too. I'm in such a bad funk, I don't know what to do with myself. I KNOW I'm depressed. I KNOW I need something,...ANYTHING,....to kick my ass into gear, and get motivated about SOMETHING. Anything. I hate my life. Ya know what has kinda put me over the edge? This sounds so ridiculous, but it's really true,....I swear it,.....but my diamond nose stud came out,(without me even knowing/feeling it,) and I can't get it back in thru the piercing. It's making me nuts. I wanted it forever, I've had it for almost ten yrs. now, I've LOVED it, and now I can't get it back in to save my life. And ya know what? I'm too tired to keep trying. But I love it, and it's the ONLY thing that somehow makes me feel pretty. I feel like everyone else without it. So stupid. But that's what has put me totally over the edge the last couple a days. I just keep sporadically crying, and I feel just invisible. I'm just another 46 yr. old, fat slob on probation. I feel like I should be living in a trailer park and have a tatoo that says 'Mother' on my bicep. I just feel so common, I can't even begin to tell you. When I was younger I was in shape, I worked-out, I had an identity,...."the girl that weightlifted",..."the girl in-shape",.....people actually stopped me on the street to tell me 'that's how I want to look',...I even had a photographer come to the gym and ask to take pictures of me working-out for a muscle magazine once,....(I refused,)....I was way too shy for that,....but working-out helped me in every way, mentally,physically, and emotionally,.....I know now what I'm like without it,...a big, fat, nothing. I can't pull myself up and out of this,...I just can't. I don't care enough. I just don't know what to do now. All I can do is cry, and feel sorry for myself. And sleep. My only relief. When will this end so I can get back to normal?
I'm SO HAPPY I have today off, I'm doing a happy-dance right now! No answering my phone, no getting up if I don't want, or even getting dressed for that matter. I love my days off. I think things will go back to normal now at work now that the GM is back from vacation. Scary with him gone-trust me. So,- last night I took Munky for her nightly walk, and she for some reason freaked out on me, and I had to bring her back in. We were both calm, nothing going on outside,....same ole', same ole'. I don't know what happened. Maybe she was just in a mood. I brought her right back in, and that was it. It upset me alot. I felt like I was in a fight with my little girl, and I didn't like it. She's the world to me. Tonight my SIL (sister-in-law) is bringing us a new VAIO laptap. Nice. I will set this laptop up for my husband to play poker on like he's been dieing to. Hopefully we'll all be happy. Nothing else new really,.....just happy to be home today,......yay me. I think I might go nap a little now.
I've been working for two weeks straight,....without,....a,....day,.......off,.......I want to put forks in my eyes, - I'm so freakin' tired. I did help this mother and son today that I met at work last year, and they are having a rough time of it,...and they still adopted two cute little kitty siblings from the Humane Society, and the kittys started eating everything they possibly could in the house. Plastic bags, towels, sheets, clothing, socks,....I mean everything, and I was so heartbroken that they might die from this awful thing they started doing, that I made an appt. at a vet's office, and we all took them and I paid for them to have everything done from shots, exam, and everything to figure out what could be wrong. So hopefully all is well $200 later. No shopping for me this week, but it was definitely well worth it. They are beautiful kittys. Beautiful. And so sweet. I loved them the second I laid eyes on them. So we are all happy now. Very. But just watching people on the news with animals just puts the fear of god into me. How anyone could EVER hurt or be mean to any cute kitty is absolutely beyond my comprehension. ANY ANIMAL. I will NEVER understand, or think its okay. NEVER. I will forever say it again and again,...animals are by far, better than people will ever be. I love animals far more than I like people,....true story. I HATE people. They are ignorant, and destructive, and greedy. HATE. THEM. ALL. HATE 'EM. Thank you very much. HATE the very air they breathe. I would much rather spend the day with my little peanuts, than be around any person any day. After volunteering for almost a year at a No-Kill Cat Shelter, I came home crying almost every single goddamned day. From asshole people, and seeing what they do to these beautiful intelligent creatures. Made me sick, and if I stayed any longer, I woulda ended up in jail. I swear I would've killed someone it was so sickening. Thank God for places like that. The last straw was them bringing in this sweet kitty that was found nail-gunned to a wall in a deserted home. AND,...to make matters worse, they figured out who did it, and wouldn't tell me. That's when I knew I had to stop volunteering there. I waited till the kitty was nursed back to health and was positively okay,...but I couldn't understand them not letting me know who did it. I knew that was it for me. See how disgusting people are? I want to do to someone what they did to that kitty. Tenfold. Believe me,....I have fantasies about it. If I ever caught someone doing anything at all to hurt ANY animal, they will wish they never met me,...thats all I can say. I swear it til my death, thats for sure.
I'm working SO DAMN MUCH I honestly don't know what day it is or the date even. I just can't seem to get myself together enough to do anything worth while. Can't clean, can't do anything it seems. I can barely make myself shower everyday. I know I'm depressed and need a good swift kick in the ass, but nothing is forthcoming. Do I care enough to do something about me? No. Do I care enough to try to apply for this other job in a doctor's office to make something a little better? No. Do I care enough to try to clean the house before my poor husband goes bezerk from me NOT cleaning or doing anything? No. The few things I do care about is walking Munky every nite,....giving her a good life,....trying to make a difference and saving some poor animals that otherwise wouldn't have a chance in hell because of some disgusting people. How I hate people,.....I hate them with every breath I take. I swear it. I even saw on the news tonight about some disgusting animal shelter in Medley, Florida and how horrifyingly, inhumane, they are when they put the animals down. Let me get ahold of that guy they showed killing them. I swear with all my might, just give me one measley little minute with that pig of a person, and he will feel pain like he's never felt in his life. I swear it. One minute. What a piece of shit he is. How that man, and whoever else worked there could let that happen and can live with themselves, I will NEVER know. NEVER,.............NEVER. How? Please explain this to me,...PLEASE. How can people do that? How? It's disgusting,....just unbelievably disgusting. It makes me want to be violent towards them, and do horrible, painful, things to them. Like in that movie 'Law Abidding Citizen'. I mean that's like my fantasy, only whoever hurts animals,...and rapists. Trust me. I'd LOVE it. Thanks for letting me vent. I needed to I'm so angry and horrified. I really need to go talk to someone, I know. I will, I will.
Have to go to work today,(in less than 2 hrs.) and I'm hating it. I have to work the next 3 days, and I feel like there is no end in sight. I actually had someone offer me a job in a doctor's office that I'm going to call first thing Monday. Anything. I need something to jolt me out of my unhappy little world. I mean I'm not miserable,(as much as I sound like I am,) - I have my wonderful husband, my adorable, lovable, kittehs, (that are the light of my life,) and we have two beautiful homes, how can I really be miserable? I'm just not happy with myself. I can't get myself back to where I used to be as in going to the gym, and working-out, and being in shape. I had so much hunger for weightlifting, and cardio, and exercising. Now, ever since our legal fiasco,....NOTHING. It's been 3 yrs. now, and I have gone up to a size 8 in pants and 14 in tops. Yep. Mind you, I was a size 2/4 before. Yup. Now, I'm just a mess, and I don't know how to dig myself out. I'm a 5 foot rollie-pollie weeble. I look ridiculous, and I can't seem to make myself care enough yet to do something about it. I keep thinking I'm going to wake-up one morning and just go, "I'm going to get in shape now." Really? Really? What will it take? What? I have cut myself off from every friend I've ever had, (except for one,- I need one,) and I refuse to see anyone at all. I just do stuff alone or with my husband who is going thru the same thing just not as extreme as me. He is still in phenomenal shape, he's 50!!! He looks like guys wish they could look, believe me. He feels like crap tho. He just had double hernia surgery right before X-mas, and not working-out, our legal crap, and the holidays got to him pretty bad too. We are just a ball-o-fun here, let me tell ya. So~I'm off to work. Another day, another dollar for shopping. That's something to look forward to, right? I'll get back to ya on that.
Today pretty much SUCKED like I thought it would. Going to probation was horrendous. I couldn't believe when I got there that the waiting room was full, right along with about 2o people standing and waiting outside. Can it get ANY MORE uncomfortable? Can it? I was HATING life, people, that place, and everything else you could think of. Just having to hear conversations there just made me wanna scream. Who was in what prison, who did what to have to serve 7 years, who is on what drugs/medication(s), etc. etc. etc. I wanted to rip my ears off my head and jump up and down on them until I was deaf. (I have to remember to bring my Ipod -for the millionth time.) I just don't feel like I belong there, and there are others that I can pick-out that don't belong there too. You can spot them a mile away, and you can spot the repeat "offenders" in a second too. Nightmare. Oh yeah, I went to the mall when I finally got outta there, and cleaned out my checking account, and half my savings. I frikkin' can't take it tho. I was in tears when I got in my car to leave. I HATE that place and nothing is going to make it better until I am done. Five more months,(which means five more visits.) Right after my 46th birthday. Happy Birthday to me. What a freakin' joke my life is right now with all this crap. My husband too. (He handles it ALOT better than I do by far.) I know I'm whinning, but I just can't help it. It's. That. Bad. (Having to go there.) How do people do this for years and years? It's no wonder there ARE repeat offenders. That place will drive you to it. Trust me,-it will. SO~~~I went to Macys and bought some INC. topssssss, and some Steve Madden shoes, a sterling silver and black diamond double knuckle ring, my husband some Tommy Bahama cologne,(for Valentines Day,) and some undereye gel, and,.....(I'm thinking,....) what else did I get? I know there is more,....ummm,......went to the Gap and found an awesome sweater, (big, soft ,navy and white fisherman sweater) and a really soft navy with white polka dots scarf,(it's gotta be REALLY soft or I won't buy it,) and back to Macys and got a pair of black leggings (from Splendid,) and some MAC lip glosses,......and I think that's it,...actually I'm sure I'm forgetting some stuff, but my mind is so smattered and beaten down I couldn't even tell you my name right now if my life depended on it. Honestly. I just cooked dinner, played with the kittehs, and watched some hockey, and vented to my husband, (but it'll be his turn on Weds.)So I will be signing off now. Thanks for letting me vent. I needed it, and I'm sorry if I sound like a jerk, or spoiled brat,-I don't mean to, because I know how lucky I am to even be where we are at right now in every other aspect of our lives, and WE ARE VERY lucky,...I know,....and I'm very thankful EXCEPT for all this in our lives. I will be a totally different person when this is all over,-trust me on that.
I'm watching all the Super Bowl coverage, and happy that the Packers won. I ended up not going to meet my friend at Cheesecake Factory, but we will try again another time. I did nothing all day but worry about having to go to probation tomorrow morning. I HATE it. It's so demoralizing,...they actually say over the PA things like "officer so-and-so, there is an offender in the lobby for you". Really? Really? Screw them. Like they are so above everyone. So effen what. People make mistakes, and some of us don't belong there,....screw them, and this whole damn thing. I CANNOT wait til this whole crappy legal s%it is all over and done with. Then I can thumb my nose at all those damn P.O.s,.....HATE them all. Everytime I have to go it puts me in a horrible, horrible mood. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I just want things to change, and I think we will all be better for it. Munky, Sugar, and Stripe kept me occupied today. All so sweet, ......all the kittehs make me so happy. I love them so much. My husband and I have been getting on each other's nerves, and with me, like I said,-I'm in a bad mood leading up to going to probation, so I know it's probably me. I just can't deal with anything. Nothing. I'm very cut and dry. If something goes wrong, I'm already onto the next thing. My husband is the type to go over things in excess. (Drives me nuts.) I can't do that. I've trained myself NOT to dwell on things. It's like a defense mechanism. When I was younger I would make myself to the point of being physically sick if I dwelled on something that was bothering me. The older I got, the worse I got about it. So,-when I finally started bartending, I became too tired all the time to worry that much about things, and I worked-out like an animal then too. I know that helps alot mentally too. ALOT. I know I have to start working-out again for my health, and mostly for my emotional state, to keep my head in the right place, but I don't dwell like I used to when something bothers me. I just can't, and if I do, (like probation,) I just become a total bitch about three days out. Yup,...thank god for the kittehs,-how I love spending time with them. I'm lucky I have them. (So is my husband now that I think of it,-even if it's just to keep me in a good mood.*giggle*)
Tonight Munky and I took our nightly walk when I came home from work, and we saw a shooting star. It was so cool,....and even cooler when I saw it and looked at her and she was staring at it in the sky. She had this look like 'what was that?'. It was the cutest moment. She kept looking at me and then up at the sky where she saw it, and then back at me. So cute. I love our little moments together. I guess this is how someone is with a child. I'd rather it be a kitteh. Much rather. Anyways~today at work was so endless. Why do we have to work? Why? It is so useless. I just want,-once again,-to say, 'I wanna be a kitteh!' I wanna sleep, and eat and play, and sleep some more, eat some more, play some more,...and thats all. I'd be happy. Yup, that's all it would take. (Not much. At least I think it's not asking for much.) Is it? I dunno'. This weekend is The Superbowl, and I'm NOT excited. I don't even care to tell you the truth. I guess I'm going for the Packers. I dislike big Ben there. So yeah, going for the Packers, but I won't lose sleep over it. It's not like the Stanley Cup or anything. So this Sunday I might be meeting my friend at Cheesecake Factory again at a mall closer to me this time. I'm excited to go. I really want to go to the David Yurman outlet store. Could you imagine? That's like having a Loree Rodkin outlet. Never in my wildest dreams. Anything is possible tho, - right?(I'll keep you posted.)