My days go by one by one, just an endless stream of them meshing together. The only bright spot for me right now is Munky. I decided to keep her, and we are still trying to get Sugar to come in and stay,.....but when the hissing and growling at us starts, it's hard not to let him go outside, because I know that will make him happy,.....and thats not a cop-out from me. I know how much he loves being outside,....he really does, because I used to sit outside with him for hours, (when I wasn't working.) So,....the damn legal situation hasn't gotten any better, (or gone away for that matter.) Everyday I think, worry, and make myself sick to my stomach worrying about us here. I just want to be outta here. But we are going to wait a year,....(which seems like eternity to me,) - maybe not quite that long. I am trying to do things to keep my mind busy, but inevitably I wake up in the middle of the night worrying, and panicking. My panic attacks haven't come back since that one day going to my mom's,....but just that one gives me anxiety,....I guess when you are under the pressure we are legally,...thats bound to happen. So,.....going to the lawyers tomorrow, and a court date on Weds. (Can't wait.) My husbands surgery will be coming up in the next 3 to 4 weeks, - gotta get prepared for that too. AND,....to put the icing on the cake, we found out that a very good friend of ours passed away two weeks ago, and we didn't know anything! It was horrible. My husband knew this guy for almost 25 years. So sad,....he has been so upset the last few days,.....he's blaming himself for not spending anytime with him, or talking with him the last couple of years,.....I should have, what if, I shoulda,....I could go on and on,......it hurts me to see someone like my husband really hurt like this,...and know there is nothing I can do to stop his pain. This is his third friend we have lost,....too young, too soon. People you lose like that, you never get over it,.....NEVER. I still haven't gotten over my father being gone, and it's been 15 years. I will never get over it, I will never stop feeling guilting for not spending enough time with him,....I will never forgive myself for not enjoying and realizing what an awesome dad I had,.....and I spent some GREAT times with him,....I miss him every single day. You never get over some people being gone from your life,.........gone from this world. Never. I'm just sad and angry all over,...very sad,.......very angry, and I don't know if I'll ever get over it. I don't have the energy to try anymore. Sad.
Thoughts on Mother's Day
2 months ago