Okay, so, my first day off has come and gone, and I don't have to be at work til tomorrow (Weds. at 4pm.) Yay me. EBay is kicking my ass, but I'm making money selling stuff, so I can't complain one bit. Life is kicking my ass. What do I do? I don't know how to stop my downward spiral. My weight gain, my little wheel of life. I can't seem to care about myself enough to do something about my weight. I thought I would never be like this in my entire life. NEVER. I can remember saying I would starve myself before I would ever be over-weight, and look at me now. Come back to bite me in the ass.(Sorry.) THAT'S what I get for saying that. So~my niece's wedding is coming up,(in September,) and I'm not sure that I'm going, and then if I do, what can I wear?(In other words~ what can I actually fit into, and not look ridiculous?) So yeay, I'm fighting with myself about it. I really wanna go, and it's up in Georgia, (which I LOVE,) and it will be alotta fun,....but I'm still not sure. I gotta see how I am. SOOOOOOOO,......that's my dilemma,....altho I've been on the Etsy site, and let me tell ya,...there is some extremely talented people who can make stuff that should be 'discovered' on there. For real. The clothes, the scarves, the jewelry,...if you have the time and patience, you WILL find some great one-of-a-kind things on there. GORGEOUS stuff. Love,...love,....love it. Okay, so I'm off to the post office to mail out my stuff that was sold, and putting more listings on, so I'm off being busy in my little world.
Well eBay and work have been keeping me VERY BUSY. I have 20 listings on eBay, and half of them have bids. I have such nervous, excitement, and nervous what-if-I-can't-do-this-thoughts. I hate being hemmed in, in any way, shape or form. It scares me when I have commitements like that. I can tell you the last times my husband and I traveled, we both were so excited, and then the night before, or the morning of, we both wished we never made the plans. We would go anyways,(except for once when I cancelled.) I LOVE being home with the kittehs, and the familiar, and my own bed, and car, and everything I know. Weird,-huh? I can't help it tho. I really get scared to death when I HAVE to do stuff,(like court, and PRBT.) It really sucks to be like this. There is no happy medium with me either. That is why all this legal crap going on in my life is like pure torture. It really is,-I can't tell you. Anyhow~ so everything right now is kicking my butt. Knowing I have to send out all that stuff (for Ebay) makes me worry,....work is making me crazy,...and I just want things to change, I just don't know how, except for me to be done with this legal nightmare. That's all. Just took Munky for her walk, and we had fun. Ya know it's been two years now that I've had her and been taking her for her walks around our yard and house, and I can tell she JUST NOW is getting bored with OUR yard. She wants to venture into other people's yards, and trees, and mailboxes, and smell absolutely everything. She's a very timid kitteh except for when she's hunting,(I've taught her to hunt the lizards, but let them go.) She will get them, and I say 'drop it', and she does. She is so smart and such a good girl. I adore her to no end. I couldn't imagine my little life without that little peanut in it. I look forward every night when I come home from work, (she is so happy to see me,) she runs around like a dog, and starts meowing right away. She runs and scratches all her posts, and she'll gallop around the bed, and run from room to room. It's quite cute. I usually change clothes, say 'hi' to my husband, and hook her up to her harness, and she runs to the back door and meows til I take her out. So like I said, she is just now getting bored with our yard, and I find myself walking her down the street. She is extremely scared of people except for my husband and I, and my sister-in-law,....she will hide under the bed for days when there is a stranger, (like a repairman, or one of my husband's friends stops by.) I hate seeing her like that, but she is that scared, so night time walking is basically a must,....so we walk up and down our street, and she's still trying and learning to climb trees. She loves this big tree in our neighbors yard, but I'm always so afraid someone will think I'm sneaking around trying to break into houses or something. I don't let her go up in someone's yard far at all. As long as I am still on the sidewalk holding her leash, she can walk as far up as she can, but then thats it. And I'm afraid she will get stuck in our neighbors tree,.....late at night,...and I' standing there looking like I'm up to no-good. Makes me worry, that's all. Maybe I worry too much,.........about everything. Welcome to my world. Oh well,.....things could be worse,(or at least I keep telling myself that.)
I finally put ALOT of stuff on eBay,...I'm making headway. Work is making me a little crazy,(so what else is new?) And we got rid of some unwanted furniture which opened up some space in Munky's room,...so now I can store more stuff in there, and not in our 'exercise' room. Yea, sounds ridiculous I know. If you saw how much stuff there is to be sold on eBay, you would understand. So now it will be confined to just one room, and it won't make my husband so crazy.(THAT I understand.) Hey~ that's exciting for me. I like when things get a little more organized,-it makes me feel better. So today, I'm off from work, and I will be listing more and more stuff,~ which puts me in a good mood, and doing some other stuff around the house. Boy-I get more and more boring as everyday goes by. Watching the news,....what's up with Arnold S.? Why did he have to get married if he was going to fool around the whole time? I don't get that. I mean, why does anyone get married if they are not going to take it totally serious? It took me until I was 41 til I got married,...and like I've said from day one; 'there is no divorce in my vocabulary,' and I mean that 100%. I take it extremely serious,...I mean, my parents were so in love after 32 yrs. of marriage and that made a tremendous impact on me and how I looked at marriage. I love my husband, I like my husband, and my husband is my best friend. I trust no one like I trust my husband. There is no other man I have ever met like him. (Even when we first met, and we were just friends, and he was marrying someone else, I knew that I would never have another friend like him.) I actually got a tattoo on me for him that said 'I Remember You'. I knew what an upstanding, honorable guy he was. And he still is. THAT'S how much I believed in him tho. Whether he was going to be in my life or not, I got that tattoo. And look at us now, almost 21 years together, and still happy with each other. THAT'S what I'm talking about. I mean we have our problems and disagreements like everyone else, but we respect each other, we talk, we have fun, and really enjoy spending time together. We "get" the same things, and that counts for alot. Nothing is perfect, no one is perfect, but some people do mesh together better than others,-that much IS obvious. What Arnold is putting his family through, and those poor kids. All of them. It kills me to think about. THAT'S why people are growing-up so messed-up, and making poor decisions. I really believe that. I mean, I didn't have kids because I knew I wouldn't be able to bring them up to my own standards. So I didn't have them. EVERYTHING should be secondary when you have children. I mean I know some people don't have a choice; work, or spend time with their kids and not eat, or have a roof over their head, so I do understand that. But you can still teach them what's right and what's wrong, and I honestly don't believe people do that now. Things are SOOOO different than when I grew-up, and I don't think for the better. I really don't. Kids now just grow-up feeling so entitled,....to everything, and that's not how life works. I just don't know how these generations will handle everything in life that gets thrown at them. It's scares me to think about. But it's all just my opinion, that's all. No big deal. We are all aloud to have them,and we all don't have to agree,-right? I hate when I sound judgemental. That's NOT me, and I wasn't raised like that, and here I am sounding that way, and being all self-righteous. I don't mean it to sound that way at all, just expressing how I feel,....is that wrong? Am I being too judgemental? When does how I feel stop, and being judgemental begin? What is up with me? If I offended anyone sounding off, I am sorry, but I am just expressing my thoughts, worries, feelings,-honest. That's all really. Ok. I'm done. Thanks for listening.
Well I finally got a few things up for sale on eBay, but I need to get ALOT more listed. I guess I'll do a little every night. At least it'll be some extra money coming in,....with all the clothes, shoes, jewelry, and handbags I have. Am I weird like that or what? I don't know why my husband thinks I'm so wrong to have all the 'stuff' that I do. As long as I sell it, what difference does it make? I mean we live a 3/2 house, just us two, and he gripes because the two extra bedrooms are filled with my boxes of 'stuff'. Do I complain about the garage and the patio being filled with his tools and junk? NO. Not one word. Ever. Believe me. I feel guilty every single time I buy something tho. I hide it usually, and then just throw it somewhere and eventually wear it, and he will have seen it for so long he never thinks it's new.(Am I being too sneaky?)Am I that wrong? I mean, maybe I've been like this for so long that I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I mean I don't think it's a big deal really, but sometimes we do get in those big tiffs about all my 'stuff', and that feeling comes out in me again, and I get defensive. I'll have to talk to my dr. about it. A big anyways~ I'm sitting here watching the Bruins and Lightening,(GO Tim Thomas and the Bruins,...HE'S a HOTTIE,) and my hubby's at the gym, and I just came in from taking Munky out for her walk, and I'm going to start cooking dinner soon,....(if I didn't work again, I could sooooo be a great housewife again and have dinner on the table every night, etc.) Anyways,~I have Sunday off, and I'm happy 'bout that. So I guess I'm boring like I always say,....I'll be listing more stuff on eBay now,....I am boring,-jeesh.
I'm finally off from work, and it was 'hell day'. I'm basically being given 'managerial' responsibilities without the pay. I'm hating this. H-A-T-I-N-G. I don't want the responsibility, and I've actually said this verbatim and still got stuck yesterday with corporate bosses. (This makes me very aggravated,) and I'm not a safe person to put this on in these situations because I will let my opinions be known whether it be good, bad, or ugly, and I won't be talked down to. Believe me, I'm not the kind of person who has an ego, I will do just about anything at work that needs to be done, THAT'S why I don't need someone talking to me like I'm an idiot. Soooooo,...all in all the day went by uneventful. Got home around 3 o'clock, and my husband had a nice meal waiting for me, and I then took a much needed nap with Sugar and Munky both in bed with me. It was so cute, at one point I woke up and Sugar was at my feet,(he was being grouchy,) and Munky and I were actually nose to nose. I almost cried at how cute she's being. I fell back asleep for a couple more hours, and by 7:30 all three of us were outside in the yard running, playing, and watching lizards. We stayed outside for 2 hrs.!!! It was beautiful out. Came in, and right now I'm going to try to put some things up on eBay. I will see what I can get on up for sale. No angry outbursts, no crying jags, no nothing from me, so I guess I'm doing okay. No big deal, right? Let me get going,.........
Okay,so,.....I'm still trying to stay,(be) in a good mood. It's not working. My wonderful, happy, mood is gone, and I'm still doing cardio, I'm still trying to be on the upswing, and I just can't do it. I mean I don't want to stay in a good mood all the time,...I just want to NOT hate the world, wanna spend every waking minute with my kittehs, ( and the computer,) and not leave my house all the time. I have to get on "I Can Haz Cheezburger" to laugh,...it's the only thing except for Jen Lancaster's website,(and she's on her book tour, so she's not blogging right now. I'm jonesing.) If it weren't for them, I'd wanna slit my wrists right now. I hate my job, I hate being in my legal situation, and I wanna move from this house. (To think I once thought that this could be our forever house. Never again. Never.) I just want out of here, out of this neighborhood, out of Florida. It's either Georgia, or Canada, and Canada is looking alot better to me,(and better for my husband.) Trust me,....time will tell. I'm so up and down,-I know. Don't think I don't know how unstable I sound,...one minute I'm on top of the world with stuff I wanna buy, and looking at on eBay, and the next I don't wanna see another soul. I'm sorry to sound like this, but it's true. I have to keep trying,- I know. And I will,...my kittehs need me. And I want that Prada purse I found on the web last nite,(the leopard one that Jessica Simpson was wearing recently.) Hey! I have goals, I have to have something good to look forward to. I need somethin'. Thanks for listening. Sorry to sound like a crazy woman. Chin up for me. (I'm tryin'.)
Okay,...so I don't drink, but I have the next two days off, and my husband is in a good mood, and it's the NHL playoffs, and I'm in a good mood,(I did cardio today,) and wellllll, I had ONE apple martini while making shrimp primavera, (sp?) fir dinner, and I feel great!!! (not to mention it's 2-0 San Jose against Detroit, and that will ALWAYS make me happy!!! I HATE the Detroit Red Wings, except for Steve Yzerman, LOVE HIM.) Anywho~ I'm on eBay looking at stuff and comparing things that I'm getting ready to put up for sale, so, as I'm saying,...."I'm doing research", (even tho I'm just looking for the next bag I'm gonna buy once I make some money,-just don't tell my husband that. *giggle*giggle*) I go thru all my fashion magazines, and figure out what I love and absolutely CAN'T live without, and then I just wait a little while, and my patience pays off. On eBay, you will eventually find it for ALOT LESS. It's great. I mean really, if someone has money, they can find some unbelievable deals on there,...if you just have patience, and persistence. This new bag by Dooney (which I saw on something that Rachel Bilson suggested, and said that she loved,...) and I fell in love with it. And now they just came out with an updated version of it, and I just have to have it. I LOVE it. I also am loving this new t-shirt I found on some website that has a bunch of 'Friends' stuff on it. I love it! It's so cute, it's so my husband and I. (He's my lobster.) Remember that on 'Friends'? I think I'm going to get that too. I'm also looking for a couple of other things that you are probably bored hearing about,...so,...this has been my day. Yep. (And the Wings won that damn game. Booooooo. NOT happy 'bout that at all.) But it's been a good day for me. I'll check back tomorrow,....I'll be busy putting stuff on eBay,...can't wait.
Well I've been getting up and doing cardio everyday now for almost a week, and I have to say,(even if it's in my head,) I've been in a much better mood. I've even gotten my husband in a better mood too. (He's noticed. Jeesh! It's only been a week people!) Anywho~ I still get mad as ever, so THAT hasn't gone away as much as I wish it would.SO~ I got on Amazon last week and ordered my Jen Lancaster books, and I've finished the first one in three days. Pree-tay good for someone who's working almost 12 hrs. a day. I can never put her stuff down. And I LMAO. My husband constantly runs in the bedroom when he hears me laughing (and coughing from laughing,) to ask if I'm okay, and then he realizes I'm reading "that book",(as he rolls his eyes at me.) At least SOMETHING is making me laugh. That and watching "Friends", or "The Nanny",.....I know it sounds mind-numbing, and silly, but those shows make me forget all the stupid, horrible, stuff that goes on in this world, and the stupid, ugly, legal stuff that's going on our lives. It's one big, long, nightmare that won't go away (for almost 4 yrs. now.) And believe it or not, my other favorite show is "Breaking Bad", and I get VERY emotional watching that. Very. It's very hard, and I take it all so personally. I really do. It doesn't start up til this July, but I can't wait. (Even tho it drains the hell outta me. It's probably the best show I've ever been addicted to. It's unbelievable .) Anyways,.....I have Sunday and Monday off and I'm very much looking forward to it,...even tho I can't leave the county to go see my mom for Mother's Day,-I'm not going to get all pissy. (I'm going to try I said! Try. I promise.) The other good thing is, I went to the bank today, and opened up a small business account to start selling on eBay again. I'm pretty excited about it. I'm going to start putting things up for sale on Monday. Totally looking forward to doing all that. So wish me some luck with that, and I'm going to keep myself in a good mood,....keep doing cardio, and just try to not get upset at stupid little things in life. (Just the big things I see on the news. OK?) I'll get back to ya, and let ya know how eBay is. (Yay me.)
Had an okay day at work, (it went by pretty uneventful,)......which is just fine by me. Alot of thoughts running thru my head today,...what with the Bin Laden stuff all over the news and all. Really makes you think. Makes you think about moments, and if your life ended tomorrow would you have any regrets? Would you have been happy? Did you live like you really wanted to? Did the people around you know how much they meant to you? or how you really feel about them? Does all the other crap really matter? I mean really. That girl that flirts with your husband, the guy that is a total jerk, the person on the cellphone practically yelling their conversation that you can hear,......that person that cuts you off in traffic,.....I mean really? Does it really matter? Trust me,...I ask myself this ALL THE TIME, and I STILL get mad. Knowing all this stuff doesn't really matter,....shouldn't matter, but I get angry and frustrated, and mad, and aggravated anyways. With all the negative, legal stuff that is in our lives, and what we went thru, I get mad. I get mad at every little thing. I can't quite figure it out, but I do. I'm trying to be smart about this, but I can't get past my anger and frustration. I mean, I can deal with some girl flirting with my husband, (hell that happens everytime we go out together,) but the other stuff, I just lose my mind. Why? Why? Why? My doctor seems to think that I can't forgive myself for not caring as long as I have about myself since this whole legal fiasco has happened,...so, that's the consensus, and I STILL get mad.What will it take for me to get back to normal? I mean I can only change me, - right? And I'm trying, but it's really hard. Maybe when everything is all over and done with, and totally out of our lives will I be able to be less angry and bitter. (But I doubt it.) I don't know when it started, (well I think I do,-it was when my dad passed away,- my mom says I've never been the same since.) So I don't know how to handle myself like this. I mean throw a horrid legal situation at us, and you got me how I am now. I'm awful. I'm out of shape, I don't take care of myself anymore, I don't care period. Did my dad take my good side with him when he passed? Did I just let it go? I'm really trying hard to understand what really makes me so angry (besides the obvious legalities,) but other than that,...it's people. Stupid people. People who don't seem to pay attention around them,....especially people who don't care about animals, or little kids. This all just makes me insane. That's why it's hard for me to read the newspaper, or watch the local news, and not blow-up, get angry, and want to smack someone. Really. Like that saying; the more I get to know people, the more I love animals. Yep,...that's me. I'd rather hangout with my kittehs anyday, than be around people. Trust me,-it's more true than you know. I've recently cancelled getting together with a friend I made thru work, and I just couldn't do it. I felt so inadequate, and just not in the mood to deal with anything or anyone. So at the last minute I was rude by cancelling, and that was that. Of course she hasn't called or come in again since than. I don't blame her, me blowing her off at the last minute, but I panicked and couldn't cope. That's how I feel alot. I just can't cope. Like I'm going to run screaming from the room uncontrollably. Okay, now I'm just rambling AND scaring MYSELF. I'm gonna stop now. Sorry, and thanks for listening.
Went to bed last night non-believing. I was in awe of everything Obama did without anyone knowing. Not a peep. And I'm thankful for this man, and what he's made of. You may not agree, but I voted for him, I believe in him, and I'm thankful for him. I don't like to talk politics ever,...but people need to realize he accomplished something miraculous, much-needed, and something that (asshole) Bush couldn't do in the entire time he was in office,...AGAIN, I know you might not agree, or like how I feel, but you have to admit, Obama did it with dignity, he took a chance, and got it done knowing it could go all wrong, and make him look worse to everyone who has never liked him or have turned their back on him. (You know he is STILL undoing all that Bush has done in the previous eight years he filled his bank account, and powered up his family name.) So, yes he can, and yes he did, and yes, I'm still behind Obama 200%. Always have been from day one, and always will be. Sure,-he's made mistakes, sure, he will again. (Name me ONE president who hasn't. Try.) So please remember this day. Trust me,...Obama IS a good man in a bad spot. Even now. Even still. Presidents are always in bad spots. Just like that saying; all good men aren't good, and all bad men aren't bad. Think about that. Trust me it's true. I know firsthand. And I know better.