Wednesday, May 4, 2011

My bad side

Had an okay day at work, (it went by pretty uneventful,)......which is just fine by me. Alot of thoughts running thru my head today,...what with the Bin Laden stuff all over the news and all. Really makes you think. Makes you think about moments, and if your life ended tomorrow would you have any regrets? Would you have been happy? Did you live like you really wanted to? Did the people around you know how much they meant to you? or how you really feel about them? Does all the other crap really matter? I mean really. That girl that flirts with your husband, the guy that is a total jerk, the person on the cellphone practically yelling their conversation that you can hear,......that person that cuts you off in traffic,.....I mean really? Does it really matter? Trust me,...I ask myself this ALL THE TIME, and I STILL get mad. Knowing all this stuff doesn't really matter,....shouldn't matter, but I get angry and frustrated, and mad, and aggravated anyways. With all the negative, legal stuff that is in our lives, and what we went thru, I get mad. I get mad at every little thing. I can't quite figure it out, but I do. I'm trying to be smart about this, but I can't get past my anger and frustration. I mean, I can deal with some girl flirting with my husband, (hell that happens everytime we go out together,) but the other stuff, I just lose my mind. Why? Why? Why? My doctor seems to think that I can't forgive myself for not caring as long as I have about myself since this whole legal fiasco has happened,, that's the consensus, and I STILL get mad.What will it take for me to get back to normal? I mean I can only change me, - right? And I'm trying, but it's really hard. Maybe when everything is all over and done with, and totally out of our lives will I be able to be less angry and bitter. (But I doubt it.) I don't know when it started, (well I think I do,-it was when my dad passed away,- my mom says I've never been the same since.) So I don't know how to handle myself like this. I mean throw a horrid legal situation at us, and you got me how I am now. I'm awful. I'm out of shape, I don't take care of myself anymore, I don't care period. Did my dad take my good side with him when he passed? Did I just let it go? I'm really trying hard to understand what really makes me so angry (besides the obvious legalities,) but other than that,'s people. Stupid people. People who don't seem to pay attention around them,....especially people who don't care about animals, or little kids. This all just makes me insane. That's why it's hard for me to read the newspaper, or watch the local news, and not blow-up, get angry, and want to smack someone. Really. Like that saying; the more I get to know people, the more I love animals. Yep,...that's me. I'd rather hangout with my kittehs anyday, than be around people. Trust me,-it's more true than you know. I've recently cancelled getting together with a friend I made thru work, and I just couldn't do it. I felt so inadequate, and just not in the mood to deal with anything or anyone. So at the last minute I was rude by cancelling, and that was that. Of course she hasn't called or come in again since than. I don't blame her, me blowing her off at the last minute, but I panicked and couldn't cope. That's how I feel alot. I just can't cope. Like I'm going to run screaming from the room uncontrollably. Okay, now I'm just rambling AND scaring MYSELF. I'm gonna stop now. Sorry, and thanks for listening.

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