Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I'm just lost

Okay, so I have off from work tomorrow too. I'm in such a bad funk, I don't know what to do with myself. I KNOW I'm depressed. I KNOW I need something,...ANYTHING,....to kick my ass into gear, and get motivated about SOMETHING. Anything. I hate my life. Ya know what has kinda put me over the edge? This sounds so ridiculous, but it's really true,....I swear it,.....but my diamond nose stud came out,(without me even knowing/feeling it,) and I can't get it back in thru the piercing. It's making me nuts. I wanted it forever, I've had it for almost ten yrs. now, I've LOVED it, and now I can't get it back in to save my life. And ya know what? I'm too tired to keep trying. But I love it, and it's the ONLY thing that somehow makes me feel pretty. I feel like everyone else without it. So stupid. But that's what has put me totally over the edge the last couple a days. I just keep sporadically crying, and I feel just invisible. I'm just another 46 yr. old, fat slob on probation. I feel like I should be living in a trailer park and have a tatoo that says 'Mother' on my bicep. I just feel so common, I can't even begin to tell you. When I was younger I was in shape, I worked-out, I had an identity,...."the girl that weightlifted",..."the girl in-shape",.....people actually stopped me on the street to tell me 'that's how I want to look',...I even had a photographer come to the gym and ask to take pictures of me working-out for a muscle magazine once,....(I refused,)....I was way too shy for that,....but working-out helped me in every way, mentally,physically, and emotionally,.....I know now what I'm like without it,...a big, fat, nothing. I can't pull myself up and out of this,...I just can't. I don't care enough. I just don't know what to do now. All I can do is cry, and feel sorry for myself. And sleep. My only relief. When will this end so I can get back to normal?

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