Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I used to, I was, I wish

Okay, so I'm going to try this again and not think about all my anxiety, and self-doubts, and all my stupid feelings of inadequacy. I'm going to think about my good times when I was in shape and weightlifting, and still thought I wasn't good enough. I used to dress like all the girls do now, all my favorite fashionistas. (Nicole Richie, Olsen twins, Rachel Bilson, Kate Bosworth.) I used to be that size but more in shape and with some muscle tone, and tanned. Yep,...I look back now, and think I was pretty cool and didn't even know it. (NOT trying to be conceded by any means, but I tried, and I looked like I want to look now,-looking back on it,-that's all.) I always dressed in cowboy boots, and high wedges, -ALWAYS-, even in ripped up denim shorts, and old t-shirts. So my look now is more like; whatever fits, is clean, and doesn't make me feel like a clown, I'm wearing and that's just pitiful. Totally. Our lifestyle has changed, and I don't know how to get it back on track. I don't. I keep saying that when we move from here, things will get back to normal, but really? That could be another year, or six months even. I'm so sick of waiting for our 'normal' life to start. It's so hard, and I don't know how to climb out of this hole I've dug for myself. I'm really trying, but most of the time I'm just too damn tired to be organized, or put an outfit together, or even care. It's Valentine's Day, and I could barely get outta my jammies, and go run my errands for eBay,......and yep, I called in sick at work,....THAT'S how bad I'm feeling. I just can't deal. I can't. What the hell is wrong with me?......................and oh yeah,.....Happy Valentines Day. Whopee.

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