Five more months

Today pretty much SUCKED like I thought it would. Going to probation was horrendous. I couldn't believe when I got there that the waiting room was full, right along with about 2o people standing and waiting outside. Can it get ANY MORE uncomfortable? Can it? I was HATING life, people, that place, and everything else you could think of. Just having to hear conversations there just made me wanna scream. Who was in what prison, who did what to have to serve 7 years, who is on what drugs/medication(s), etc. etc. etc. I wanted to rip my ears off my head and jump up and down on them until I was deaf. (I have to remember to bring my Ipod -for the millionth time.) I just don't feel like I belong there, and there are others that I can pick-out that don't belong there too. You can spot them a mile away, and you can spot the repeat "offenders" in a second too. Nightmare. Oh yeah, I went to the mall when I finally got outta there, and cleaned out my checking account, and half my savings. I frikkin' can't take it tho. I was in tears when I got in my car to leave. I HATE that place and nothing is going to make it better until I am done. Five more months,(which means five more visits.) Right after my 46th birthday. Happy Birthday to me. What a freakin' joke my life is right now with all this crap. My husband too. (He handles it ALOT better than I do by far.) I know I'm whinning, but I just can't help it. It's. That. Bad. (Having to go there.) How do people do this for years and years? It's no wonder there ARE repeat offenders. That place will drive you to it. Trust me,-it will. SO~~~I went to Macys and bought some INC. topssssss, and some Steve Madden shoes, a sterling silver and black diamond double knuckle ring, my husband some Tommy Bahama cologne,(for Valentines Day,) and some undereye gel, and,.....(I'm thinking,....) what else did I get? I know there is more,....ummm,......went to the Gap and found an awesome sweater, (big, soft ,navy and white fisherman sweater) and a really soft navy with white polka dots scarf,(it's gotta be REALLY soft or I won't buy it,) and back to Macys and got a pair of black leggings (from Splendid,) and some MAC lip glosses,......and I think that's it,...actually I'm sure I'm forgetting some stuff, but my mind is so smattered and beaten down I couldn't even tell you my name right now if my life depended on it. Honestly. I just cooked dinner, played with the kittehs, and watched some hockey, and vented to my husband, (but it'll be his turn on Weds.)So I will be signing off now. Thanks for letting me vent. I needed it, and I'm sorry if I sound like a jerk, or spoiled brat,-I don't mean to, because I know how lucky I am to even be where we are at right now in every other aspect of our lives, and WE ARE VERY lucky,...I know,....and I'm very thankful EXCEPT for all this in our lives. I will be a totally different person when this is all over,-trust me on that.

Cut and dried

I'm watching all the Super Bowl coverage, and happy that the Packers won. I ended up not going to meet my friend at Cheesecake Factory, but we will try again another time. I did nothing all day but worry about having to go to probation tomorrow morning. I HATE it. It's so demoralizing,...they actually say over the PA things like "officer so-and-so, there is an offender in the lobby for you". Really? Really? Screw them. Like they are so above everyone. So effen what. People make mistakes, and some of us don't belong there,....screw them, and this whole damn thing. I CANNOT wait til this whole crappy legal s%it is all over and done with. Then I can thumb my nose at all those damn P.O.s,.....HATE them all. Everytime I have to go it puts me in a horrible, horrible mood. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I just want things to change, and I think we will all be better for it. Munky, Sugar, and Stripe kept me occupied today. All so sweet, ......all the kittehs make me so happy. I love them so much. My husband and I have been getting on each other's nerves, and with me, like I said,-I'm in a bad mood leading up to going to probation, so I know it's probably me. I just can't deal with anything. Nothing. I'm very cut and dry. If something goes wrong, I'm already onto the next thing. My husband is the type to go over things in excess. (Drives me nuts.) I can't do that. I've trained myself NOT to dwell on things. It's like a defense mechanism. When I was younger I would make myself to the point of being physically sick if I dwelled on something that was bothering me. The older I got, the worse I got about it. So,-when I finally started bartending, I became too tired all the time to worry that much about things, and I worked-out like an animal then too. I know that helps alot mentally too. ALOT. I know I have to start working-out again for my health, and mostly for my emotional state, to keep my head in the right place, but I don't dwell like I used to when something bothers me. I just can't, and if I do, (like probation,) I just become a total bitch about three days out. Yup,...thank god for the kittehs,-how I love spending time with them. I'm lucky I have them. (So is my husband now that I think of it,-even if it's just to keep me in a good mood.*giggle*)

Our little moments

Tonight Munky and I took our nightly walk when I came home from work, and we saw a shooting star. It was so cool,....and even cooler when I saw it and looked at her and she was staring at it in the sky. She had this look like 'what was that?'. It was the cutest moment. She kept looking at me and then up at the sky where she saw it, and then back at me. So cute. I love our little moments together. I guess this is how someone is with a child. I'd rather it be a kitteh. Much rather. Anyways~today at work was so endless. Why do we have to work? Why? It is so useless. I just want,-once again,-to say, 'I wanna be a kitteh!' I wanna sleep, and eat and play, and sleep some more, eat some more, play some more,...and thats all. I'd be happy. Yup, that's all it would take. (Not much. At least I think it's not asking for much.) Is it? I dunno'. This weekend is The Superbowl, and I'm NOT excited. I don't even care to tell you the truth. I guess I'm going for the Packers. I dislike big Ben there. So yeah, going for the Packers, but I won't lose sleep over it. It's not like the Stanley Cup or anything. So this Sunday I might be meeting my friend at Cheesecake Factory again at a mall closer to me this time. I'm excited to go. I really want to go to the David Yurman outlet store. Could you imagine? That's like having a Loree Rodkin outlet. Never in my wildest dreams. Anything is possible tho, - right?(I'll keep you posted.)