Thursday, January 7, 2010

All I've got

I finally have something good to say. I know I have been really sounding awful lately. The condo across the street from the beach that we own has finally gone into contract, and it's a solid offer, and I'm so keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes according to plan. PLEASE let it go according to the plan. Then we can start with this house, and get it the way it should be, and put this up for sale next. Oh,....I just want this gone too, and I will be able to rest easier. Then we can concentrate on getting thru our legalities, and then just move wherever we want, and just have our normal lives back again. I just want to be another nobody right now, and right now where we live, I feel like we are watched with every single thing we do,everywhere we go, and even everything we say, on the phone, even in our own home.It really wouldn't surprise me, but even I know when I'm being too paranoid. I will never feel safe, and/or comfortable in this house again. It's pure torture for me every time I open a blind part way,...or even go out in our backyard. It's so sad that it has come to this here. I so loved this neighborhood when we first moved here,....I so loved the neighbors, and the convience, and the area, all of it,.....and NOW,....forget it. I hate the whole lot of it. The day we move from here, will be one of the happiest days ever for me,....and thats even pretty sad when I hear it from myself,-but it is very true. VERY TRUE. So,....and,....well, it has been a monumental night for me, but I can't say why else. I just feel like I am on the way to being somewhat normal again. Maybe one day in the future, but its still far off. I'll take my little bit of happiness right now. I have to, because thats all I got right now. You know. I know.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

I'm just going to ramble right now,....but I'm hating my life. All I do is work and sleep. New Years Day and I had to work. I HATE it. It's freakin' ridiculous. I don't mind the sleeping part, but the working 50 hours plus makes me insane, irritable, and just plain mean. I HATE my life right now. It's NOT anything to do with my husband,....I just hate everything else right now. I'm not comfortable or happy where we live, we aren't moving anytime soon, I'm in a job I dislike immensely, and everyday is like pure torture,.....nothing makes me happy or motivated to get back in shape. I know what triggered it, I just don't know how to get my motivation back. I just can't seem to care enough. I don't want to get into the whole weight thing. I NEVER had a problem in my life with weight,....but apparently now, I can't even get into the gym to TRY to workout. I don't even want to weight-train anymore,...I think I want to do Pilates. Much better and easier on my joints, and body. But I still can't figure out why I don't care anymore. And then there's the whole 'hating people/cops' thing. I let it take me over sometimes. It's not pretty either. I see what people do to one another, the sick things that are done to children, and the horrifying things done to (my) animals. It will never cease to amaze me how sick people can be. I HATE the very air they breathe. I have so much anger and hatred towards people I scare myself sometimes. I have been arguing with my husband about seeing a psychiatrist, therapist, counselor, anyone, and try to sort my head out, but he is one of those guys who thinks that kinda stuff is unnecessary. (If you know what I mean.) Thank god for my SIS.(sister-in-law.) She is deeming it necessary for me to talk with someone, ANYONE. And I agree. I will go see someone, -I just don't know who yet. I can't even get myself motivated to try to find someone,-THATS how bad I am. I can't concentrate, I can't stay on track, and I'm hatin' too much. I know,....I'm gonna get help soon, so don't worry.