Sunday, September 27, 2009

Beautiful home away from home

Sitting here in Key Largo at my mom's, and it's so nice and peaceful. Watching some people fish, watching boats going out into the ocean,......watching some football. Just nice. My husband stayed home to finish packing our beach condo. He wanted to stay and finish and wanted me to go.(I tried to cancel, but he got mad, and said he'd get more done if I just went.) So,.....that's what I did. My sister and niece left a few hours ago,...they had a 4 1/2 hour drive home. I'm going to stay until tomorrow. I love to spend time with my mom,(and her companion/boyfriend.) (?) Soooooooooo,.....had a big family dinner last night, and they made pina coladas, homemade lasagna, bbq'd sausages, and fresh itallion bread. Fun was had by all.I NEEDED IT. I'm still so tired. I had a very bad drive here yesterday afternoon. 2 hours of pure hell; panic attacks, and then sheer exhaustion. I don't know why all of a sudden I'm having them again. Yesterday is the first one I had in SO LONG. Probably over a year. I really just talked to myself and tried to calm down, but I felt so hopeless. I was scared to death.To make matters worse my cellphone died right in the middle of my sister-in-law calming me down. I couldn't get the battery juiced up enough to even work. Not good. That was what put me into full blown panic attack mode. I thought I was going to die on the roadside here going into the Keys. I actually pictured myself on the side of the road, trying to get help, passing out from hyperventilating, and being taken to the hospital/morgue. How morbid can I get? I really can't understand why I'm going thru this again. It came outta nowhere. I'm so strange. Driving home tomorrow will be another adventure. I'm very apprehensive, and I don't know why. Well enough of my ridiculousness. I'm going to concentrate on relaxing right now. I'll write about my trip home after I live thru it!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Family weekend

I'm so looking foward to this weekend. I am going to de-stress. I swear I will. I work Saturday until 3pm and then I'm coming home, and my husband and I are driving to Key Largo to see my mom. My sister and niece are meeting us there, and we are all staying overnight. I am so looking foward to it. I miss my mom so much. I haven't seen her since I started working again. (Can you believe it's been 8 months already?!) The last few days have been rough. I had off, but we went to our beach-condo and started packing everything up there. (We finally rented it out after having it sit with no one living there for the last five years.)When I first walked in, I sat right on the floor and started to cry because I was so overwhelmed. I just didn't know where to start. Our whole lives were there,-good and bad. So we packed all we could up, and I went back to work today and my husband spent the day there doing what he could. It's scary leaving a place like that. 11 years of our lives has been there, but I do know it's time to move on. I can remember the first time we saw it, I said that we would never move again. Shesh,...I was WAY OFF. I really thought we would live the rest of our lives there. Now our priorities have changed. We want land for animals, and riding ATC's on, and taking walks and seeing wild animals. I'd really like to start a No-kill Dog/Cat Shelter. (I think this all will end up being in Canada tho. ) I don't think there is anywhere in Florida that we could afford such a thing, and still be on the water somehow. (A river,lake,etc.) Soooooooo,....that's the plan I guess. We have to wait another two years legally tho, and then see what our fate will be. Keep your finger's crossed we get to do things on our terms. I don't know if we could take anymore trauma.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Now-a-day kids.

What in the heck do kids do and expect to accomplish now-a-days with the things they do, and THINK they can get away with? I've said it time and time again,....entitlement,...and if they don't get what they want, they will find some devious way to take a short cut and get it somehow.(Even if it means taking it from someone else.) I watch the news way too much, and hear all about what goes on with kids. How has it gotten this bad? Do parents not care? I mean, all seemed so simple when I grew up, (and I'm not that old I might add!-44.) I guess parents don't have the time in this day and age. What with the economy the way it is, you practically gotta work three jobs just to make it all work,-ESPECIALLY if you have kids. They want Ipods, Iphones, WII, Coach bags, designer clothes, and whatever else I'm forgetting. It's hard enough getting that stuff for yourself, let alone your children! I see them talk back to their parents like it was nothing, and the parents bow down to them. I've seen them throw temper-tantrums if they don't get what they want, and then get it. What is all this teaching our kids? Figure it out people. Think about it. I mean really. I was no angel growing up by any means, but there was a line I knew not to go over. I never stole, or hurt ANYONE, I never plotted or ganged up on anyone either. That seems like an everyday occurrence in schools everywhere right now. Kids hurting, and even sometimes killing other kids for the most ridiculous things, and reasons. I just can't wrap my head around it all. It's such a scary world out there now,......I can't imagine growing-up in it. I would be so scared of everything and everyone, that I wouldn't be able to function. I don't know the answers, but I know it will be scary when these children are grown,(if they make it that far,) and realize life does NOT get handed to you on a silver platter, and that they will have to work for every single thing they want. And how much everything really costs. The price of time is what it takes. I learned early on about that. My parents worked hard all their lives, and saved a pretty penny to be able to retire in the Florida Keys, and they did, bought a cute little place on the water, just what they wanted, and, less than a year my father was gone. Finally got what he wanted, and just gone. The price of time is a luxury that people can't afford, and really don't even realize that that is what they need and can't do. Maybe it's better that people don't realize a virtually unattainable goal as time. It's so hard, and very few people get to ever do it in their lifetimes. People don't even enjoy the little time they do have with their family, they don't do things together anyways. I don't know,...I think I'm becoming more and more cynical the older I get. I just don't get people these days. I just don't.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My little Munky

The last couple of days have been surreal. I took little Munky to the vet to get spayed and pampered, the whole nine yards, and realized when it was finally time to hand her over, I started to cry. I felt like I was putting my little childs life in someone else's hands. The nurse was so nice tho. She totally didn't make me feel stupid or anything,...I just felt so scared. She was so nice and sat with Munky and I and explained all the things they do to make everything more comfortable for her afterwards. They said she would be ready to go by 1 o'clock and it was 8am, I ran home, fell back asleep for a couple of hours, woke-up practically ready to throw-up from my nerves,....went to the gym anyways, and they called true to their word at 1 o'clock, and I swear, there was no stopping me once they finally called. I jumped in my car, sweat soaked clothes and all, threw my gym bag in the backseat, and high-tailed it there, again, practically in tears. I got there in record time, and soon as she saw me she meowed the saddest little noise I ever heard her make. I did cry then. I got her home, with her little satellite collar on, and poor thing was so out of it, she walked in circles, and bumped into walls. I stayed with her the entire time. I spoon fed her cause she couldn't get to the food so well, and gave her water with a eye-dropper. She kept waking up smacking her dry little tongue, so I would give her more water. She stayed next to me for probably 20 hours straight sleeping, and getting comfortable. I was like a mother hen, husband thought I was taking it all too serious, but I couldn't help it. I love her so much. Scared me to death too. I realize how much I do love her. Even when she was at the vet, I sat and looked around the house, with all her toys, and stuff ALL OVER THE HOUSE, and I got so upset, because it seemed so empty without her there. How did I ever live without her with us? I can't remember. Sugar is being a meany to us, but I still baby him when I see him. I do whatever I can for him, believe me. I bring his food out to him,...I brought out his favorite blanket and put it on the patio couch so he can sleep on it when he feels like it. I go for walks with him, in the rare event he shows up when I come home from work, like we used to do. I miss him,....but he doesn't give me a choice, short of hunting the neighborhood down looking for him. So, I even called in late to work to stay a couple extra hours with Munky, ---I felt so bad leaving her. It was so hard. I stopped myself from calling every hour to check on her,....but I'm home now, and found her sleeping in our bed all curled up on my side under the blanket. I was so damn excited to see her. She's still a little fuzzy-eyed, but she follows me from room to room, so I know she knows whats going on a little more now. I'm just happy she's home, clean bill of health, and she's my little kid. I'm so content with her near,'s scary.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

And another day

My husband is watching football today,...Munky's watching the backyard,(and very talky about it!), and I just made a big breakfast for us, and getting ready to do some housework. It's a good day so far. Off for the next two days, and SO HAPPY about it. Sometimes I feel so content, -it's scary. We had a really nice young couple look at our condo on the beach, and I think they might actually rent it.(The first people who have looked at it too!) What a big financial load that will be off our minds. The other place across the street from the beach is still empty. (Hopefully the realtor is getting some bites on it.) Wanting to go to the mall tomorrow while Munky is at the vet, but it's too far, and I wanna be close by. I'm anxious about dropping her off,...her little life in someone else's hands scares me to death. I know for a fact that this place is very good tho, I shouldn't worry, but I will regardless. I love her so much. She's like my child. So,....that's about my day in a nutshell,-housework, laundry, Munky and my husband. (And hopefully seeing Sugar if he comes by.) :(
I'm so exciting, aren't I? I guess I am getting old,........

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Ramblin' on,....

Wow, I just realized this is my 101st post. That makes me an official blogger I guess. I really love this blog. It helps me so much to write what I'm going thru and how I feel. I guess everyone feels like that, that's why they do it. Well,......I'm hanging out with little Munky. I am working a short, late shift today because I have too many hours this week, and they don't want me to have more overtime. (I can definitely deal with that.) Munky is looking out into our backyard that is surrounded by beautiful palm trees,...(you can't even see the neighbors around us,'s great.) She loves staring out there and watching the birds drink outta the pool, and the lizards run across the deck. She is a happy kitty finally. This Monday I'm bringing her to get spayed, and have all her shots done, and all her feline tests done. I'm very excited,....she will be all good then. I finally got her to wear a collar. (I got her a little pink breakaway one,-she hated it at first,...but she stopped trying to get it off FINALLY.) I also bought her a leash and harness, but she hates that too. I have to keep trying tho, and I will. I don't want her to be an outdoor cat, but I want to be able to take her for walks at least. Sooooo, two weeks, my sister and niece are going to my mom's in Key Largo, and I'm going to try to meet them there. I already got it off from work,,....I just gotta figure out if my husband wants to go or not. I'm really looking foward to it. (Altho NOT looking foward to being away from Munky.) I was thinking about taking her,...but she still doesn't like car rides,---so no, I can't. Other than that, nothing else new with me,-still getting sick to my stomach tho. Called the doc, and she said to wait and see if I get used to the new medication. Isn't that fun. Meanwhile, everything I eat, I throw-up, clockwork. Even last night at work, I got WonTon soup, and drank the broth only,....up it came an hour later. Ya think I could at least be losing some weight thru this at least?! NOOOOOO. Nothing good like that could happen. So,....I'm done for today. My random thoughts, and ramblings.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Pulling the hair outta my head

I'm panicking in my head. I feel like life is passing us by. What if I went to the doctor and found out I had some fatal disease? Is this how I want to live? I mean I'm so thankful for my husband, kitties, and home(s). It all just seems to be going by quicker, and quicker everyday. My husband is in such a survival mode of all this stuff, that he just can't enjoy, or see any of the little, good things to be thankful for. It's hard to tell him too. He is just so,.....oh, I don't know, aggravated by everyday life. I'm happy we live in a beautiful home,.....he is aggravated beyond belief that it's not perfectly clean every second of everyday. That's how it is at our house. With everything. EVERYTHING. It's hard to enjoy things when someone can't see the goodness in everyday life, and I guess I should understand how he feels,...because I'm going thru it too, but I still think we are EXTREMELY lucky in other aspects of our life, and know things could be ALOT worse. Why can't he see that? I mean we both have lost parents, we both have lost many friends way too early, and he should know that everyday is not to be lived like we are living. Why doesn't he just understand? I'm just having a hard time when he gets like this. I could be so content sometimes,.....I mean to a point, ya know? I guess his escape is playing poker, working-out, and watching sports. Mine is this blog, (which he totally doesn't understand at all,-in fact he hates it,) shopping, Ebay, and our kitties. So now what?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

What will tomorrow bring?

I will spend the next two days off and very happy about it. I worked Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday. I am drained to the max. Today we went to my sister-in-laws and had a great BBQ. The weather was great, the food was awesome (as always,) and we had alot of fun. I really wish we could move into the condo above her so bad. How great would that be? So cool when I think about it in my head. So much like a little family. How I miss that so much. Saturday would have been my dad's birthday. I called my mom, I miss him. WE miss him. It never stops or goes away, does it? Never. SOOOOOO,.....tomorrow I will be happy to go to the gym, spend some time with Munky, and my husband, and I plan on going to the neighbors house who is taking care of Sugar and talk with her. I have to. I don't want her to think anything bad, and explain about Munky to her, and let her know that's why Sugar doesn't want to be here so much. It's killing my husband and I, we drive by there a few times a day to see if he is there outside. We saw him once today and he wouldn't come in, so I brought him a bowl of food outside, and sat with him while he ate. I practically cried. I miss him so much. I have just run out of ideas to do with him. I guess I will just have to wait-n-see. What else? Been going to the gym, and it's making me feel alot better after every workout. Alot. Yet I'm still really depressed,....all I want to do is sleep and hang with Munky, (and Sugar if he let me.) This seems like a really weird time in my life. All loose ends, and I feel like we still don't know about our lives,........just so up in the air. I want to be settled and start living our "fun" life. When does it start? Not like we don't have fun, but I hate being on edge, and not being in control of our own life. I hate it, makes me crazy. Everyday I wake up and wonder if my husband will still be here at the end of the day with me. It's like slow torture, living our life like this. It's making me physically sick now. I have IBS, stomach always hurts, I eat uncontrollably, and I'm can't remember or concentrate on anything. I'm lucky I can work. I think it's a welcome escape. The doctor told me everything I'm going thru is all to be expected in a high-stress situation. I should keep working-out, taking vitamins, and doing what I can to relax. Munky really helps with that. When I go to sleep at night, and wake-up in the morning and she is there, I am happy. When I play with her, she keeps me so entertained, and I so adore her. She is sweetest, cutest little thing. I do miss Sugar, but I can't force him to stay with us. So I'm trying to deal. That's all I can do with everything. Just deal with it,-right?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Long day today, and another one to look foward to tomorrow. Doctor's appointment and then work. Whoop-ee. I did get to the gym tho, and will be going tomorrow too before the doctor. Looooonnnngggg day tho,.....NOT looking foward to it. I just want it over with. I'm not off until next Monday. Ugh. Don't ya just feel like your on a hamster wheel sometimes? Go to work, go to the gym, come home, cook dinner, do some laundry, play with kitties, go to bed. Get up and start all over again, after day, after day. OMG. Does it ever end? Things just seem so pointless sometimes. Would it be any different if we lived in Canada? (I always think it will be SSSSSSSSOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER.) Right now my husband is a little peeved at me because Sugar wouldn't come in all day today, and it stormed out really bad. He won't come in because of Munky and now we don't know what to do. We already talked to the neighbor who's house he's been staying at. They love him so much too, (thank god.) They brush him, and he sleeps in their bed with them even,....(like he used to do with us.) I miss him so much, and so does my husband, that's why he's upset. I don't know what to do tho. We can't get rid of Munky,-I love her too so much,....I'm just torn. Maybe thats why I'm feeling so unsettled. I don't know.