Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Little things make me happy

First day back at work after three nice, long, days off. Christmas, and my husband's birthday,....and it was quiet, and uneventful. Went to my sister-in-law's for dinner for my husband's b-day, and then we went and saw "True Grit" with Jeff Bridges, and I absolutely loved it. Loved it, and J.Bridges is SO GOOD-LOOKIN'. What a hottie. LOVED the movie tho. Two weekends from now my husband found on TV the first 'True Grit' with John Wayne, and he swears it's better than this one. We'll see. (I'll get back to you on that.) SO~nothing else really to brag about. January 21st will be our 18 year anniversary. Whoo-hoo. I can't wait til I say 50 years! That'll be awesome. Like I always say, there is no divorce in my vocabulary, that's why I took so long to do it. I was 41 by the time we were finally married,...we were together 14 years before that, so,....yes, I take it very seriously, and it's forever to me. AND we like AND love each other,...most importantly. I mean we argue and have our moments like everyone else, but we have fun together, and we really enjoy being together hanging-out. It's cool. And I love that we have so much history together. Anyways~so now I have to work the next 8 days straight. 8 days. Ick. I hate life just thinking about it. Why? Why? Why? I hate work. I'm not sure if I'd ever like it no matter what I was doing,-I think. Maybe animals, something to do with animals or kittehs. I dunno'. Well - I guess I'm going to go get ready for bed. Munky is in there laying down already,.....I think I tuckered her out when I got home from work, playing with her,...she just went in there and laid on her little heating pad, and went to sleep. I can't resist anytime she's in there,....I gotta go in and lay and cuddle with her. My favorite thing to do. Get her to purr,...or as my husband says, 'get her little motor running'. So cute,....little things make me happy.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas past

It's Christmas morning,(well our morning,) and I'm such a horrible wife. I didn't prepare anything for my husband, not even a card. Work the last few days has made me insane, and I just couldn't collect my thoughts enough to plan anything. I feel so overwhelmed now. I guess it's another side effect of our wonderful "legal situation" we've been living. I can't seem to concentrate on anything, or get myself together,...ever. That scares me. Will I forever be this way now? I can't seem to clean, or organize, or anything. I hear myself saying this, and I know these are all signs of depression. I'm a functional depressed person. Somewhat functional. I'm a horrible, horrible wife right now tho. I am. I can't seem to get myself together tho, it's been 4 years now I think. I just can't go back to how I was before. I can't get myself to the gym, I can't seem to not be tired all the time, and I can't stop myself from not caring about anything enough to do something about it. Why is that? I'm horrible, horrible, horrible. I feel like I'm talking about another person. Where do I start, and this overpowering feeling of helplessness end? When does it end? I keep thinking I'm going to snap out of it. Well,-SNAP already. I wanna go back, I wanna go back. THATS what I want for X-mas,--- to be my old self again.

I don't want to wear a Santa ANYTHING

I'm so over it. I am off for the next three,...count them!,....THREE days. OMG,...I just can't wait to do absolutely nothing but worry about when to walk Munky, and my husband's b-day. That's it. I am so tired I can't see straight. I was at work at a 11:45am, and got home at 11:45pm. What a freakin' day it was. I will never understand how people wait til the last minute to get things. Do you know how many people said, 'wow,-why are you guys so busy?' Are you kidding me? Really?! What a bunch of freakin' morons. I couldn't believe my ears. I wanted to throw cellphones at people, put them where the sun don't shine, and just rip them outta people's hands and ask if they are really that important? Are they lacking in some way that they need everyone to hear their conversation to make them feel important? Really? It's like the people who drive Corvettes, or Porsches, both of which you couldn't PAY me enough money to drive one of those. Tacky, tacky, tacky cars. And you could throw Hummers in there too! Wouldn't catch me dead in one. NEVER. HATE 'EM. I even had a chance when I was 21 to own one,(a Corvette,) and I absolutely said NO. (My boyfriend at the time collected cars, and he had 4 Corvettes, 2 Mercedes, a Bronco, and all the mechanics you could hope for.) No thanks still. Ick,- I couldn't stomach it even then. Just couldn't do it. Too tacky. It screams 'look at me, I'm trying way too hard because I'm lacking in some other area, and need this car to make me feel superior'. Yes, that's what it says. So,.....moving right along,.......with all the time I spend with Munky, you'd think she would be the cute, cuddly, kitty to me, but all in all she has slept ON me once when I slept out on the couch, and it was cold out. The last week it's been very cold for South Florida, and she's been making the move to jump up in the chair I sit in and cuddle up next to me. She's done it three times, and it brings tears of joy to me. I love how she shows that she trusts me. Don't forget now that she was a totally feral kitten when I caught her. She's still very skiddish, and she's scared of anyone new. Does NOT trust people at all. Scared of loud noises, and will hide whenever someone knocks or comes to the front door. I feel so protective of her when she curls up half on me in the chair,...the first time last week I actually cried it made me so happy. I called for my husband to come see, and even he was shocked. She loves to lie in the chair next to my husband, and she puts her little head under his hand and purrs away. She flirts with him endlessly, and it's the sweetest thing to see,-this big, burly,tatooed muscleman with this little kitteh being all cute with him. She's at the point where my husband walks into the room and she starts to purr. With me I have to work at it with her. Funny how that works out. I don't care tho, as long as she's a happy kitteh, I'm a happy mommy for her. I try anything and everything to make her happy. I do. So, let me go, I have to get ready for bed. It's really just another night to me,...forget all the X-mas crap,....I don't want presents or anything,....just a good night's sleep. 'Night.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Thankful for being thankful

The moral of Christmas now-a-days is beyond everyone. I mean,'s like who can spend the most money for one moment, of one day, THE MOST. I really dislike it to no end. I refuse to celebrate it this year. I can do that because I have no kids, so it's very easy for me to just say, 'ya know what? I don't want gifts, and I won't buy any gifts, so don't expect any period.' I have to say, work has been work, and this is the busiest time of year for any liquor company, with parties, family, and friends all over, it goes without saying that work is EXTREMELY busy for me right now. Tomorrow I'll be working from 12 noon till probably almost 11 or 12 midnite! THAT'S how busy we are. So,-needless to say, with no X-mas tree up, and no decorations, I'm officially BAH-HUMBUGGING it the next two days. My husband might be a little disappointed, but his b-day is a few days after X-mas and I always make it a point to celebrate that with gifts, and cake and whatnot. His b-day to me is bigger than X-mas! Anyhow~we will be going to see True Grit this weekend,...and I absolutely LUV Jeff Bridges. Throw him together with Sam Elliot, Kris Kristofferson,Tom Selleck,(now-NOT Magnum PI days,) and Russell Crowe and you got one big HOT-MAN-FEST in my eyes. Jeez,...that's some gorgeous men there to me. Since I was a child I've always been drawn to silver gray hair and blue eyes, and GOD BLESS IT, that is one fine mixture. (Weird, - I know.) SO~just took Munky for a walk and I actually heard an accident happen. It had to be a ways away, but I heard it, and it made me really think about how lucky I really am. I mean, someone's life could've changed in an instant. Think about it. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand-up. What an ugly sound, and an awful feeling,...I knew I was right when within a few minutes I heard sirens from every which way going full blast. How horrible. I can't get it outta my head. Even little Munky was uneasy,...and wanted to go in right after that. Poor little thing,...she's such a good little kitteh, I love her, and how she always makes everything right with me in my little world. I can have the worst day, or a fight with my husband, or just be depressed and I spend any kinda time with her, and I'm laughing and smiling within seconds. She's the child I never had. (At least that's what my husband says.) She makes me the happiest (and luckiest) I've felt in a very long time. My husband and I have a little more time left til we can move away from here. I've had some horrible times with being on probation. I never even knew about stuff I know about now. I never even thought about being in jail, or all the ugly things I know about now since our little horror story of a life has happened here. Our entire life has changed, I have changed, and I'll never, ever be the same again. Never will I trust anyone, especially the police, or anyone in that area. Never. I'm jaded now forever, and I'm not very nice about it either. I won't go off on a tangent tho,....I want to be thankfull for all that I have, all that I'm able to do, my family, my wonderful husband, and my kittehs. I'm lucky.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

So much for relaxing

This time of year, it's a love/hate kinda thing. Right this minute I'm not too anxious about it, but I'm getting ready to go out shopping,so I'll see how I feel when I get back. X-mas time is the hardest,....I miss my father, I miss my in-laws, (they were just like my second parents,) and it hurts every year that goes by,....I crave family get-togethers, I crave the fun, loud, chaotic times that it all brings,, everyone in my family kinda does their own things with their own families, and that SUCKS. I miss them all. It's usually my husband, my sister-in-law, and I spending most holidays together. I'm not complaining, but I miss all the rest of it, I miss my family, laughing, talking, and just being together. Anyways,-tried to go out last night and see the moon solstice thing, and we went out about a quarter to 2(am) and got Munky on her leash, and soon as we got out there, she rolled in the dirt, and immediately looked around and went in the bushes and just sat there,-(I shoulda known.) A minute later Stripe came thru the fence, and we started petting him and he was being all lovable and cute, and not a minute later, I looked up at my husband, and he was nodding his head and grinning, and I looked behind me and Sugar was sitting there staring at us. Too funny to everyone but him. Poor little guy, he just can't stand the thought of any other kittehs getting any kinda attention. He hissed, and growled, and we just sat there trying to figure out what to do with all three of them there together. So after a little scuffle that Sugar initiated, I went in and brought out food for the two of them,....and that kinda diffused things, at least temporarily,.....sat out there while they ate,( and my husband and Munky went in happily,)........then they finally just disappeared going thru the kitty-hole in our fence, and that was the end of our night trying to be all calm and looking out at the moon. Yep. Not calm. Not relaxing. Not fun. So much for trying to relax. I'll write more when I get back from shopping and let ya know how I feel then!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Wake me up when it's over

I had such high hopes for this day off and the entire day totally sucked. If it coulda went wrong, it did. I just have to vent. Had to report to my probation officer today,(what a joke,) and she wanted to drug test me. I couldn't pee. I sat there for five goddamn hours, and finally went. I was steaming. Just the way I wanted to spend my day, NOTHING ELSE DONE. Nothing. I'm honest-to-god-hating-life right now. To top it off, I went to the grocery store on my way home and went shopping and my husband had to make a stupid comment that totally set me off. I just ended up taking Munky for a walk, and even she got all cranky on me. Came in and just cried my eyes out, outta pure frustration, and aggravation. I hate everything and everyone right now. I have no patience, nor do I care right now about anything at all. I swear to you, my life totally sucks, and nothing but nothing makes me happy. When my husband AND Munky piss me off on top of the day I already had, I just can't take it, and want to just totally shut down. Totally. I want to just go to sleep, but my husband's sister is coming over, and I'm not happy 'bout it. So I can't just go in and go to sleep. Yup, life sucks right now. Totally,...and nothing is helping. Actually sleep will,-just sleep.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Some days I feel full of energy and some days I feel like I want to hide from the world. What's up with that? When the weather gets cool like this, it makes me want to go outside, be outside and just enjoy it all. I feel like I'm missing something when it's cool like this and I don't go outside. The only thing I have to do is go to the eye doctor today at 3 o'clock, and maybe do some laundry. The daily lives of people, right? Boring. I'm still dealing with my mean ole' self, and trying everyday to be a better person. I mean, I'm the polite-est, most aware, person you'll ever see in public. My guard never goes down, but I will pick up dropped keys, help someone with packages, hold the door open, etc., but don't come up to me and ask the time, or borrow my cell, or whatever it might be,- I will tell you to get the hell away from me, and quick. Trust me. I have been mugged before by someone asking for a light (for a cigarette.) So don't come near me, I'll just tell you to get the hell away, and throw a punch if I have to. I won't be a victim to that again. I won't. I despise weakness, I do, especially in men,....I don't like it. Be.A.Man. My husband is the perfect man to me, and I don't just mean physically,...he is very old-fashioned; he never cuss' in front of a female, and more importantly in front of kids, he doesn't like loud, attention getting people,...he is very protective, and I feel like he is my big bear.(That's one of the reasons I nicknamed him Bear.)He can and will harm someone that tries anything, believe me. I've seen it firsthand. I've seen him difuse situations, calm someone down, take charge of an emergency, and be totally coherent. Me? I'm so scatterbrained, and panicky, I don't know what to do first. He's my ying to my yang.(Did I even say that right?) SO ~ the only thing we don't see eye to eye on is how I clean the house. I never do enough according to him. Oh well, there always has to be something I guess. Anyhow - off to the eye doctor,...

Maybe, - maybe not

Worked ALL DAY today, and hated life. Came home and happily took Munky for a walk. The weather is gorgeous out, (in the 50's and breezy.) At one point when we were just relaxing in the grass together Sugar snuck up on us and sat on his perch of roof tile. Then a few minutes later Stripe joined us, and all hell broke loose. Not fun at that point. Stripe likes Munky, and Munky likes Sugar, and Sugar likes NO ONE. (Altho I do think he's a little sweet on Munky but just won't give in.)When we leave them in the house alone, we come home and they are always asleep in our bed,...not cuddled up together, but there. So I know they don't dislike each other.(Believe me,-with cats, if they don't like each other, they would never even stay in the same room together,-TRUST ME on that.)SO~my computer still sucks pretty much,...tomorrow I'm going to try to have someone look at it, and hopefully get something done. I'd like to be able to download (upload?) pictures again,....sell stuff on eBay again, etc. I can't even get on my email right now. My computer just keeps working and working and absolutely NOTHING happens. Nothing. So my husband came home from the casino and won $600!!! Nice. Very nice. So we went and ate at Dennys,....couldn't find anything else open at this time of night, and didn't want to go to a bar, so that was fine. (I could eat breakfast anytime, all the time.) Yumm. I have the next two days off, and I have a big, ole' smile on my face, and will be doing a happy dance in my head when I lay down to go to sleep tonight. Yay me. Other than that,...I'll get back to you. Munky and I will be napping nicely,...thanks,.....'night.

Saturday, December 4, 2010


Well, computer is barely working. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Get it fixed, get a new one,....ask Santa for one?!!! I can't live without a computer or my magazines that I read endlessly everyday and night;InStyle,Allure,Lucky,and People StyleWatch. I guess I'm weird,(at least my husband thinks so.) We get into it when I save so many magazines that they hit the ceiling practically and then I go thru them, rip pages out of stuff I like/want/covet and then he finally can throw them out. He found this out one time when he threw some of my mags out without me going thru them (and saying goodbye and ripping out my pages first,) and I about went into convulsions. Never again did he try doing that,-TRUST ME. Anyways,~ I went shopping before work yesterday, and this is how I KNOW I'm getting old; I found some shoes that I fell in love with and had to have and they are by,-get ready for this,-Easy Spirit!!! My first Easy Spirit shoes. OMG. I'm old now. BUT they are so cute, I HAD to have them. (Especiallly when I passed up some Jeffrey Campbell platform clogs on sale to get the Easy Spirits. Yep,-I'M OLD.)I think I actually scared myself yesterday with this shoe stuff. So~ getting ready to do some cardio,...and then off to work. Yick. Why can't we all just not have to work? Just be able to spend endless time with family and friends, and KITTEHS?