Sunday, July 31, 2011

Nous sommes signifies pour etres

Here I am on my usual Saturday night after work, I have the next two days off, and I'm happy and carefree as a clam. I love when I have two days off in a row. Love, love, love. And that's about all I'm loving these days. I've decided to take a 'leave of absence' from work starting on Aug.22nd. I'm going to help my mom move up to Jupiter, and look for a house to buy. We'll stay at my sister's house together until she finds something. I just have such a hard time facing the fact that my poor mother is going thru all this, and there is nothing I can do, AGAIN, to make her feel better. Nothing. This helpless feeling eats you alive. It really does that to me. I talked with my mom just yesterday when she got back from seeing her boyfriend at the hospital, and she told me they told her he had a stroke in the night sometime, on top of all the other things he has wrong with him, that happens. Horrible, horrible way for anyone to end up. It's breaking my mother's heart, and that breaks my heart. I know I need to be there for her, to help get her settled, and comfortable. My oldest brother, and his wife are coming down next week(from GA.) to help her pack, and they are going to get as much stuff as they can up to my sister's house,....but until then,....she's going to stay in that big house alone until I get there. Sooooo,....yeah,...that's my plan. It'll be hard to be away from Munky and the kittehs,and of course!, my husband, but I gotta do what I gotta do. My mom has always been there for me, every single time in my life,....and I can't imagine not helping her when she needs me most. I can't. People who don't have good relationships w/ there parents and family just kills me,...I would do anything in the world for any of my siblings and my mom. ANYTHING. I'll never understand anything other than that. Never. What I would give to have my father back, what I'd give to have my in-laws back,....or my husbands sister who passed away right before I met him. People who take their family for granted will never understand them not being in this world anymore. It's very draining, never stop missing them, or wanting to talk to them, or just holding their hand, and knowing they are there for you,.....never,....sometimes it drains every ounce of everything outta me, and I know it does the same with my husband. He has had virtually every close friend he has ever had pass away, starting with when I met him. Too many for anyone to go thru at any age. One of them is what split us up at the time,....we both just couldn't handle the fact that our friend committed suicide one night after he left our place, and we usually turn off our phone when we go to bed, and we were the last 8 calls he made, and that was it. They found him at his grandparents house,overdosed. When we got up the next morning, his girlfriend,(who we all four hungout together,) called us at 7am, and told us what had happened and the next thing was the police knocking on our door to interview us about the night before. It stunned us like nothing ever had. We both just stayed in our own little world blaming ourselves, and letting it eat us alive. Yep. My husband drank, and drank like I'd never seen before in our 13 yrs. together. And I back-peddled into my own depression,...and it escalated to us splitting up. My husband went to New York to see his ex-wife, and I bought my own place and moved out into an unknown world to me. It was a very strange, life-changing thing for us both. I try to honestly NEVER take my husband for granted since then. I know how lucky I am for us to have gotten back together, and realize we were 'meant to be'. He's not one for cliche' things like that, but he agrees,....we are 'meant to be'.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

No silver linings

Ok, so I've been working like an animal, and haven't been shopping anywhere at all. I'm still depressed, overweight, and energy-less. Nothing can change it but me, and I don't know where or how to get that energy. My mom is going thru a horrible time,....her spouse of almost 15 yrs. is in a nursing home and most likely won't be coming home again. She is having a very hard time dealing with this even tho she went thru it with my father. I'm really trying to be there for her as much as I can being over an hour away,...but I'm actually thinking of taking a leave of absence from wk. to help her some more. It's killing me that she's far away, and not near any family for her to lean on when she needs it most. I still have to talk to my husband about it, but I'm pretty sure he will be okay with it. My mom has decided to move near my older sister, but will be staying with her until she finds a place she likes. Thank god my mom is more than good financially, in this day and age, it's a miracle anyone is really. It'll be much easier for all our family to see everyone with three out of five kids, and our mom living all in one area tho. (That's the bright side I keep telling her.) Hey,- I'm trying to show her the silver lining,(too bad I can't take my own advice.) So from Key Largo, to Jupiter she will move next month. I wish my husband and I were moving there too, to be honest. Sooooo, older brother and his wife will be coming down from GA. and my other brother will help too, so we will have the whole gang almost. So,...yeah, it's still hard, I will miss him alot,'s like losing another father again almost. The next month or two will be very hard for all involved. It'll make me forget my crappy self, and focus on my wonderful mommy. Maybe that's what I need. And I'm still upset about not being able to go to my nieces wedding in Sept. in GA. Legally I can't go, so that's that. So it's really no decision to be made there, (which I HATE.) September will be my last month on probation. I'm DONE after that. This whole legal clusterf*c% will be over and done with,....completely out of our lives.(Sorry 'bout the language.) I won't know how to act tho. Wow. I mean really, it'll be 4 years of hell done with. I don't remember what normal life is like. And can you imagine when we move even? It will be totally, totally normal, and like nothing ever happened. It's so hard to imagine,'s like a dream, a road that's far away, and you keep getting closer and closer, but you think you will never really make it,....that's how I feel about this whole thing being over. I can talk all I want about it, but it won't make a difference until it really happens. It won't. And even then, we've been held down for so long now, you don't know how to come back up and adjust even when it is over. Yeah,-that's how my husband feels right now. Just can't adjust. I guess that's how my mom feels. No silver linings there. Not for any of us I guess.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Unlucky I guess

Now this is why I don't want to live in South FL. I will put this in a nutshell as simple as possible. Last night someone went to buy some soda and beer at a corner gas station/quick mart kinda store, and got some sorta BIG MACHINE GUN put in their face. Come to find out, they walked smack into the middle of a FED/DEA sting where this store/gas station was actually selling coke and weed to customers! Yes, you heard me right. How's that for being an entrepreneur?! It's always something,....I just have a hard time thinking how that person(s) got to that choice, and in their mind thought that it was a good idea. I mean, REALLY? Really? I shouldn't be shocked, or surprised, but I am. Things like this continually surprise me and they shouldn't at all. My husband always asks me why I'm so shocked? Nothing surprises him, or fazes him, like it does me. He's seen and heard it all, believe me. I guess that's why we balance out. I get a little panicky in emergencies, and he stays calm, cool, and collected. I've seen him not blink in eye in the worst of situations, and I wish I was like that, but I'm just not no matter how hard I try. The last bad hurricane we had here, we stayed up all night, fell asleep about 7am, and it hit, I woke up all panicky and scared, ran to all the windows looking outside, and woke up my husband, and he started calmly checking the house, and well I fell asleep again, I guess, knowing now that he was up and checking things that we would be safe, and boy, I slept good then. (We still laugh about it.) I always tell him he's my knight in shining armor, my hero, always has been, always will be. So it was a strange night last night hearing that story,......goes to show(myself) that we aren't the only ones with horrible luck. It's like that saying that I always try to remind myself that we ARE lucky in ALOT of ways: your unlucky because you have no shoes, until you see someone with no feet. You get it, and I'm trying to still.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I'm just blah

Another day, another thunderstorm. Yep. Don't have to go into work til almost 5pm today, so I'm home watching movies with my hubby, and Munky sleeping in bed already. (My lil cutie. How I love her.) I have Sunday and Monday off next week, and I plan on doing a few things,..."plan" is the operative word there. I'd like to get some stuff on eBay again, and do some organizing around the house, and clip Munky's nails, and maybe go somewhere alone, so I know I can. That list is enough to last me for the next two months the way I am. THAT'S how hard things are for me to do. Not to mention the important stuff, like paying the few bills we do have, and grocery shopping, making dinner, etc. Everything is hard right now. I NEED to get back to lifting weights again. It's been long enough now where I look like I never stepped in a gym in my life. 27 yrs. of weight-lifting, and 3yrs. off, and look what I've turned into. A blob. Every now and then I get a comment from someone at work about how my legs are muscular,(still?,) etc., but it's not enough for me. I have to get back in there, I HAVE to. Not just for the physical part, but for my emotional well-being too. That's really true too. I know firsthand. Never have I been this depressed in my life, with feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Never. I've been talking to my sister about it. She's battled severe depression for years, and knows about phobias, we have had very similar things, so it's easy to talk to her about it,(thank god.) I made an appt. with the psychiatrist for next week. Barring all things at work going smoothly and I don't get called in unexpectedly, I will be going. It will help. (Wow, - it's so dark here right now it looks like night-time, and the thunder is making the ground/ house shake. Jeez. Munky is happy in bed,-we usually make a tent for her,-but she seems okay, so I'll leave her.) Anywho~ those are my plans this week. I'll keep ya up to date to see how much I actually get done! Meh.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Laying low kinda day

Off from work today, and it's dark and rainy. (My FAVORITE kinda day,...I love it.) Laying low,...not feeling good,....I've had a cold that my husband gave me along with that bracelet for my birthday, and haven't felt good since. Went to my mom's in Key Largo, and SO HAPPY to see her. Had fun seeing her, and we went out to our favorite place to eat lunch on the water. Very peaceful, but I'm still glad I never moved down there when my parents did. I can't take it down there. Not to live at least. To think people vacation and would LOVE to live there. Me,....NO WAY. I just like being near my mom tho,....I miss her so much. Why can't we live closer? I wish we had a compound, and all families lived close to each other. Wishful thinking. (And I know everyone doesn't feel that way about their family.)SO~ I'm going to start putting stuff up on eBay again,....I have to get rid of all these clothes, shoes, and handbags I've accumulated. Too much stuff, or at least that's how I feel right this second. Last night my sister-in-law came over, and cooked dinner, and we all watched the season 4 premiere of 'Breaking Bad'. What a show. I'm not a big TV nut, but this show is something else. It's gripping, and real, and heartbreaking, and ironic, and I could go on and on,...just unbelievable, and I can really relate to Jesse Pinkman,....I've known Jesse Pinkmans,....that character is so close to my heart, it hurts. You have to watch the show to know what I'm talking about, but it's the best TV I've ever watched. Already can't wait for next week's show. Anywho!~ last week I took a week off from work,(for my b-day,) and Saturday I got up early,(for me,) and went to the mall,...I made myself,....I've been having a hard time with my anxiety again,....major,.....and phobias. I feel like I can't go anywhere alone again, and I get all hyper, and corner myself into a big anxiety attack. It's hard, I haven't done that to myself since my mom went into the hospital and I had to drive down to Key Largo by myself 4 yrs. ago. Very hard. So I went to the mall, walked around, and ran into our next-door-neighbors that I adore,......a couple and their two daughters that I've watched and LOVE them to death! We walked around, had lunch, got pedicures, and I got my ears pierced, was a fun, girly, kinda day,....but I feel like I cheated. I feel like I didn't walk around by myself, like I was trying to make myself,....but it was too fun, and at the time I didn't care. If I felt better now I would go today and make myself do something alone, but I feel too sick. I don't know. My problems are so overwhelming to me, that I don't know where to start to help myself. I've made an appt. to see the psychiatrist again for next week. I'm actually looking forward to that. I am. I think it helps me,....even if I think it helps me, helps. (Make sense?) I know,....I'm confusing myself now. Let me go lie down with Munky, and all my problems disappear. Going in for a nap,-see ya.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

GREAT gift, BADDDD day

Horrible, horrible day today. I won't get into it, - I sound like a broken record, but it was just awful,.....even if I don't have to be back to work til this Friday. Jeez. Soooo~ what do you think I did for a couple of hours to make myself feel better and calm down? (Yes, I said 'to calm down', was THAT kinda day.) I WENT SHOPPING. Yup. Found some pretty cool layered(?) skirts from Allsaints at our local TJMaxx believe it or not!!! What a deal. I bought one in black and one in a pinky-beige color.. Allsaints. How in the world do THEY get this stuff? The same TJMaxx where I found a Gucci crossbody bag for $400 six months ago!!! (Bought that too.) I love that look of a ruffled,layered above-the-knee skirt with a long fitted cardigan with the ruffle-y part peeking out the bottom, and some nice wedges. LOVE that look, so that's what the two (hopeful) outfits will be. Then I'm showing ya the said bracelet I got for my b-day from my hubby,....and I also got some nice cherry wood trays to put on our Lane cedar chest once we bring it over from our condo there that we can't decide what to do with. I was even looking on Craigslist last night for a nice bedroom set, but can't seem to find one appropriately priced. I mean there is some gorgeous stuff, but if you think I'm going to spend $1000 on a USED bedroom set, you got another thing coming. No way. I mean if it was EXACTLY what I wanted, I probably would, but if it's not a midcentury modern dark cherrywood, hopefully made by Lane or someone/thing of that nature, and included TWO nightstands, TWO dressers, and a matching headboard, then I'm out of the game. Totally. I found that exact thing about two years ago on there for $400, and someone called a half an hour before I did and snatched it up. Gorgeous set. I still think of it longingly. The lady told me her mother had bought it new in South Carolina in the early 6o's and she was the only owner. Can you believe it?! I swear I walked around in a daze for a week thinking what coulda been with that. She even told me she had JUST POSTED it, (-it hadn't even been on there but for two hours,...figures,....story of my life.)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Happy Birthday to me-pretty scary ain't it

Well, my birthday has come and gone, and it was just another day really. We don't celebrate stuff like that much really. Years ago, when we lived in Coconut Grove, my (now) husband bought me a beautiful Tiffany two-tone bracelet that I adored. I never took it off,.....for years,.....and when everything happened here at the house, and a year later they came back and arrested me, I had to take off all my jewelry. Well, since than, I started taking off my Tiffany bracelet, and sometimes when I would be on the computer at work for long hours, I would take my bracelet off and put it in my purse, and somehow one day when I went to put it back on, I couldn't find it. I looked all over for it,.....for months,....and months,...and months,...I couldn't find it. My husband even went to Tiffany's in Boca Town Center and looked for the bracelet, and he found out they don't make it anymore. So yeah, I was totally bummed. I was VERY UPSET with myself for losing it. For my birthday yesterday, he found the exact bracelet,(not from Tiffany's tho,) with diamonds in it. I almost cried when he gave it to me at 12:01am last night. That and a kiss on my cheek,....perfect. I loved it. I don't want all the brewhaha, and stuff, I feel too old for that, even if I'm only 40-something. Tonight we went to my sister-in-laws for dinner, and she made a bunch of stuff I like, and had a little chocolate souffle for dessert. Just enough. Just enough. Happy Birthday to me. Nice, quiet, and uneventful, I like.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Why are we threatening the wrong people?

Had our 'grand-reopening' last night at work, and we had over 200 people show up for our little place!!! Great turn-out. I was so tired tho when I got home, and even today I still felt like I got run over and backed-over again. Just tired. I guess that's all part of depression. I still haven't gone back to the dr. yet, but I sure plan on it. I have to,'s the only thing that I think I will make some progress with, 'cause I sure haven't NOT going to a dr., why not? I have to try to be sensible and honest WITH MYSELF, and that's the only logical solution I can figure out. And eventually changing jobs,....I have had enough of working and seeing liquor when I don't even drink. Who cares?! It's NOT something I'm interested in, or care about. So yeah,...I wanna do something that I'll be excited to go to work for,.....or even animals,...working with them somehow. I just don't know. My head is so far from being right, right now, that I don't think if I did make a decision it would make me happy or be right in any way. (Maybe I'm wrong to think that way, or I'm putting myself in the wrong right off the bat, but I wanna be sure I make the right decisions,-especially about a job, even if it is just in retail or whatever it may be.) Anyways, I work tomorrow and than I get a paid week off, and another one in Sept. and another in October or Jan. whichever I want. So I'm happy right now,...really looking forward to these days off,-besides,'s my b-day on Sunday and I wanna have NO CARES, especially worrying about work, or probation, or anything at all,....NO RESPONSIBILITIES,-I like it,(even if it is only for a week.) Yay me. What to do, what to do. I think we'll just have a nice dinner somewhere and maybe go to a movie,...that makes me happy,...(hey,-I'm easy,-I don't ask for much really,...and whatever I do want, I,ME, will buy it myself. Trust me. Altho my husband has MORE than spoiled me with gifts,.....) Anyways,~still watching all this ridiculous Casey Anthony stuff. I understand people are outraged at the verdict, and I understand they want justice for Caylee, but we WEREN'T there, we didn't hear all the evidence, all the testimonies, see all the gruesome stuff they had to, and just like juror #3 said, 'we are judging someone's life and if you aren't 100% sure that they did it, could you live with yourself putting someone to death you think MIGHT'VE killed their child?' Could you really? I know I couldn't , way, and I have to say, as much as I dislike that girl(Casey Anthony) and her smug little looks she gives, I couldn't have put her away for life OR given her the death penalty if I weren't POSITIVELY SURE. How don't people get that? Now the jurors are getting death threats? Really? How stupid can we be? HOW STUPID? Because that IS. Threaten C.A. if you want, but NOT the jurors,....please people, be somewhat smart, would ya? Don't embarrass everyone with your ignorance and quick tempers. I swear sometimes I'm not proud to be a part of this world. People never cease to amaze me at how ignorant and uncaring, we can really be. We don't think things thru. It just makes me hang my head in total shame. Think about it.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I just want my old life back

Just heard from an old friend via Facebook. THAT'S what FB is all about, not all this other crap that people post, not the bullying, not the name-calling, and mean ways that people use it,...just to keep in touch with people you haven't heard from in a long time, that you're happy hearing from. THAT is what it's about, and I keep in touch with my nieces, and nephews, and cousins who I wouldn't ordinarily be able to keep in contact with their day-to-day experiences, and be part of their life. I like it, but only for that reason. I don't want to hear about every meal, every conversation, every time you have a thought, just the main things, like someone's birthday, first time they bought a car, etc. OK,-you get the picture. SOOOO~ nothing new yet on the legal front, but I'm sure the start of the end will start this week.(Ya like that?) Nothing else really, eBay postings, buying, or even looking today. I've been too busy watching the Casey Anthony trial reports, and then the verdict coming out. I was very surprised,....very, but I'm still teetering in my mind if SHE really did it. Just don't know for sure, but it doesn't affect me either way, well. Off from work today and next week I have a four day weekend that I'm looking forward to. (My 40-something b-day,-big whopee.) ****that was sarcasm*** My husband is taking a nap right now and the house is nice and quiet, Munky is all curled up with my husband,(so cute,) and it looks like it's going to storm out. My FAVORITE kinda day,....I love when it's like this. My perfect day off. Every day was a perfect day when I didn't work, I loved it. I cooked a nice dinner EVERY NIGHT,sat outside every day with Sugar, and went to the gym every morning and lifted weights. I miss those days. That was before we had our legal fiasco happen. Life seemed so happy then, and it was only 4 yrs. ago. I just don't know how to get back there from here. All the eBaying and Etsying won't bring me back to how I was, I said, I have alot of work to do to find myself, and get right again. ALOT. Thanks you as%h*l# creeps who wrecked our home, scared our kitteh, and changed our lives forever. There is no love lost with the cops,DEA, and ATF here. Trust me on that. I just want out of this neighborhood, and out of South FL. I hate it and Them. Oh,...and happy 4th. Bah-humbug-I hate fireworks.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Coming soon,....decisions

Okay, so I'm still on hold with certain said legal situations, thru the July 4th weekend, but only til then. I will be calling said authorities this week, go to a court hearing, pay some MORE fines/court costs, and this whole 4 year legal clusterf*%# will be over and done with COMPLETELY. Yes, you heard me right,....COMPLETELY. I'm still not sure how long it will be before it really sinks in. It all ended for my husband a month ago, and he told me he's still waiting for himself to return to 'the real me'. Funny,....that's exactly how I feel. When this is all really over,...will I go back to the gym?, will I stop being depressed?, will I lose the 40 lbs. I gained? Etc. I keep thinking it will all change like the on and off of a light switch, but I think I have ALOT of work ahead of me to get back to who I was, or find who I am now,(and I don't mean buying more handbags either.)I'm just scared to figure out what's next,...I mean I'm scared and EXCITED at the same time, but I'm ready for the next chapter in our lives to start. I just wanna get there, get settled in, and be there already. In my mind, I'm already there,...believe me, I keep waiting,...and waiting, but my husband is dragging his feet,...I mean he's as depressed, and energy-less as I am. I don't think all the handbags in the world will help me right now,...I have to make some serious decisions soon,...and I don't know how I will do it honestly.