Saturday, April 30, 2011

I'm out of the gate

I'm off today, and I've done cardio, and I'm ready for the day. I know it's almost 3 o'clock, but at least I'm trying. I'm in a good mood, and I feel good, which days like this are few and far between for me. I want to go do SOMETHING, I just don't know what. I don't want to go to the mall because I'll shop, and I don't wanna blow my whole paycheck on shopping this week. I'm trying to make lists to get some things done that have needed to get done. I need to accomplish some things, any things, so I know I'm going in the right direction. I think. Sometimes I'm just content to sit in the quiet and read, write, look threw my magazines,....take Munky out for a walk,....anything,...but get things that need to be done,-done. So I guess that's why I feel like I should do something with an outcome. Maybe I'm wrong,...but I think I will feel better if I do something like that. I didn't even make it to the bank today to open up an account for eBay,(which I wanted to do so I could start putting things up on eBay for sale.) I was looking forward to that today,...I love doing that, it's fun to me. So I'll do it Monday when I'm off,....after the dreaded probation visit. So~ that's about it for me today. I'm off to figure out what I'm going to attempt to accomplish. Wish me luck! I'm trying!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I hate work

At work sometimes I feel like I'm a million miles away, and I wanna be anywhere but there. ANYWHERE, or like I'm gonna run screaming at any second outta there. Does anyone ever feel like that or is it just me? I'm sure if I loved what I do I wouldn't feel like this so much, but selling liquor isn't one of my life's dreams, ya know? I mean bartending for almost 20 yrs. was enough, and if I never saw any kind of alcohol again for the rest of my life, I wouldn't care for a second. Now shoes, handbags, clothing, or jewelry would be fun to sell, or anything in that area would be fun to work with, but I don't see an overweight, 40-something, woman who is still on probation, going to get any kind of job in any decent, respectable place. I'm too old, and just not what someone is looking for in anything it seems right now. I mean I am responsible,(even if it sounds like I'm not what with the probation thing hanging over my head,) I'm punctual, I'm polite, honest, and hardworking, appearance isn't sloppy by any means, I make the best of what I am right now, but you'd think that little bit would count for something, but it doesn't. So I will keep looking tho, no matter what. And I'm going to try to lose weight. I started cardio today,...nothing major, just a half hour, but ITS A START. (I'm hoping by the time I'm 50 I will look somewhat better than now.) I guess that's really not saying much,-right now I'm at my heaviest, and my hair is too long, and I feel like I look haggard, but I'm going to try to change all that, at least what I can. Change. It's a good word, and a bad word. In my life it always veered toward the bad side. I hated change of any kind. I grew-up very routine, and any deviation threw me horribly. My one brother is the same way, was my father,......I understand how I got like this. My husband is the worst,....he has a routine down to what he eats everyday. Scary thought, isn't it? (How do you think a 50 yr.old man looks like he does? All those muscles didn't come by eating cake and ice cream every night.) I just can't be THAT routine, I need a teeny tiny bit of change when it comes to certain things. I like to go out and try new restaurants, about kills my husband. He can't take it. Go anywhere that we don't normally go and heaven forbid if it's a bad experience, I hear about why we never try something new, so I've basically given up in that regard. I don't mean this in a bad way, it's just how he is and I've excepted that part of him. Believe me,...I can overlook things when I love someone as much as I love him. My parents were always all about trying new places to eat,...they loved that, (yes,-even my father,-he loved how fun my mother was and she made him happy.) So,....the story of my life right? I'm stuck working in a crappy job that I don't really like,...and I have no way of doing anything about it til this legal crap is over and done with. Yup. Running and screaming a million miles away. Just think of me when you hear that in your head. It's in mine every day.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

This is me now

Yesterday went well, and I can now say with a happy heart, my husband is a totally free man, and his portion of this legal fiasco that entered our life almost 4 yrs. ago is over and done with. That's a big relief. I'm still in it for another 4-5 months. So all in all it was a good day. We came home from court and both of us just fell back in bed and slept til 4-5 o'clock in the afternoon. (It's amazing what stress does to you.) Got up and took Munky out for a walk,....and came in and sat on the computer the rest of the night reading, and on eBay,(bought nothing,) and watching the NHL playoffs.(Game 7 tonight for Montreal and Boston. Go Habs! Can't wait for the game to start.) Did nothing really the rest of the night,...I got on Amazon and bought a used book and pre-ordered one by Jen Lancaster that I haven't read. I REALLY look forward to reading them.Her books are like crack to me, I can't wait for the next one, and anything now is gobbled up. I read her books over and over, no one makes me laugh like she does. Isn't it funny? My husband "doesn't get" her humor, and I laugh myself into an asthma/coughing fit.Oh well. I have an appt. with The dr. today, and I'm looking forward to it. I get 'evaluated', and I want to know the outcome. I want to know what it says about me. That's very interesting,...what IS my problem? So I'll keep ya posted, and we'll see how I am, what I am, and what I can do to get back to me again. Yep. We'll see, and for now I'll go back to what I'm good at,.........sleeping.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Keaster

So Happy Easter. Whoop-dee-do,(as this kitteh would say.) Or,-Happy Keaster is how I would say it. Anyways~had to work ALL day, and half the night tonight. Why can't I work in a job that at least doesn't include every weekend and holiday for cricesake? I mean, - REALLY? It really makes me hate life. How do you get those jobs? I'd like to know. So came home after an almost 11 hr. day, and my husband is at the casino, (smart man,) and I have to work again tomorrow during the day. I get very cranky when I have to get up early in the morning and 8am is waaaayyy too early for me. I mean I'm worrying when I have to get up by noon let alone 8am. Tuesday is court and that's the only reason the last three mornings I haven't really minded too much about getting up. (It's getting me used to getting up at that time,) so I won't be in shock when we go to court,-know what I mean? Walked Munky, and Sugar showed-up and he was unusually cranky. VERY. I wonder if I should take him to the vet? Maybe something's wrong. Maybe he's in pain. I'm starting to think it's been long enough that I should take him. I'll have to talk with my neighbor,(the one he stays at.) She'll let me know if he's nice to them when he's there. He LOVES them like he used to love us.(Before we had Munky.) I don't know,...I'm really worried about him. Also~ I have another dr. appt. on Weds. I'm actually excited to go. I want to see how I'm 'evaluated'. I wanna know everything,(about me.) I think I sound crazy right now. Haven't been shopping much, really trying to hold back and not spend. I'm still trying to find a 'forever home' for that white, pit, puppy I help rescue,....can't seem to find a home for him. I really wish we could take him,...but I know I couldn't give him the time he deserves and needs. Right now I give all my time to Munky and Sugar (when he let's me.) I guess my time will come when I finally will be able to get a dog. I want one so bad. Even a little one I would LOVE. I do want a big dog tho eventually,-a watchdog of sorts. Maybe a doberman, or german shepard, or even a mutt, I don't really care, as long as they have some sort of protection in them. (You know what I mean.) The last dog I had was with my boyfriend that I was engaged to and with for 7 yrs, and the dog was half shepard, half wolf, and the dog was incredibly smart,(too smart for his own good,) and I loved him like he was my child, me, that dog went EVERYWHERE with me. After we split up, I found out he died about three yrs. later, it broke my heart. I had to leave him with my ex because technically he got him and had him first, but it really KILLED me to be away from that dog. I haven't had a dog since, and I trained that dog to where you didn't have to say a word, all hand signals, and he would obey,....only me,...he was so,so, smart it amazed even the dog trainer I had,...he was shocked. I was lucky to have had that dog in my life at all. So the next one I'll be just as lucky, and I'm waiting and hanging by a thread til that day. (Trust me. That day will be one of my happiest.) SOOOO~ nothing else new really,...just ummm, waiting to get court over and done with truthfully. Oh,...and work tomorrow,......then two days off,....I live for my days off, that awful? Does everyone enjoy there time off as much as I do? I relish it. (And my husband says I'm lucky I have a job to go to. Yeah right. Whatever. Easy for him to say, he doesn't work, or HAVE to work.) Yeah, sometimes I get a little angry about that, I have to be honest. I love that I was able to take three years off before this job, I was very lucky, and I LOVED not having to work, I cooked dinner every night, and spent all my time with Sugar taking walks, laying in the grass with him outside, or napping or playing inside, it was absolutely great, going to the gym,I volunteered at a local NO-KILL cat shelter even,....but then, I HAD to get a job because in my husband's eyes, 'it was the right thing to do',.....he doesn't come from that concept my parents did, that you worked till a certain point financially, and then you retire, live modestly, and spend time together doing what you want to do,,....he has NO CONCEPT of that whatsoever. You work because thats the right thing to do, and because you are able to,....(his father was just like that, and his parents had ALOT of money.) Sickening isn't it? I mean, my parents weren't millionaires but we never wanted for anything, we got to travel alot around the world, and my parents loved each other enough that they wanted to spend time together,...not everyone is like that I guess. Actually hardly anyone is like that in this day and age. I just don't understand stuff sometimes, that's all. And I don't want to work. I hate it with a passion. I love my time, and that's a commodity that almost everyone doesn't have now. Maybe I'm being too greedy, and being a brat,(at least that's what my husband says sometimes.) I just don't know anymore. I don't. I hate life sometimes and I know I'm luckier than most, so explain myself to me, would ya.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

On the brighter side

So, on the brighter side, I went shopping last week and got this new perfume I've never heard of before. (One of the girls I used to work with used to wear it,) and I absolutely LOVED it. It makes me want to attack whoever is wearing it and bite their neck or something! (It's that good!!!) I love how good perfume makes me feel.(Kinda like my diamond nose stud I took out last month. It made me feel pretty.) Anyways~ this is the second bottle I've bought and I have to say it's the best kept secret,....maybe it's not your 'style', but I've gotten more compliments on this perfume from girls AND guys. It just makes people crazy. (I love it.) And~more of a subject change,~ I went to the psychiatrist today, and I'm going back next week,...she suggested it. Yea, I know. I'm an interesting specimen to her, what can I say? I wish I could just be back to the way I was before all this legal stuff happened, but I can't. Hopefully I can find my way back. I sure hope so, or it will be the death of me. I can't stay with the person I am today. I don't like this person. I'm NOT this person. I refuse to be this person, and I guess that's a start,-right? Right. I have to know that only I can change me. I have to do this, and I hope to God this doctor can help me, help me. I mean something has just got to give. It has to. Please.

Monday, April 18, 2011

SAD, sad, day

Today it's been 17 yrs. since my dad passed away. I miss my dad every single day. Every day. He was such a good man, so interesting, full of life, fun, and taught me to never be judgemental of others. He always loved to have people over, and sit up and talk late into the night. He'd bring out all the different liquors from my mom and dads travels, and put them on our dining room table, and have a different story to tell about where they got them. Always was fun, and laughter. Alot. I have such great memories of him and our family. Every Sunday morning we would all get up and my mom and dad would make a big breakfast; eggs, bacon, pancakes, waffles, crepes,...whatever it was that morning,...we had dinner together every night,.....and he loved family get-togethers,...LOVED them. When he finally got to retire and move to The Keys, we would ride our bikes around after dinner and look at all the homes in the neighborhood. Silly fun things like that stick-out in my mind. Teaching me how to ride a bike when I was little, floating in our pool in the backyard every summer,.......laying in bed together telling me stories when I was little and scared to sleep alone, loving our german shepards Rexy 1 (and Rexy 2),,...loving sweets,-especially chocolate!,....listening to his favorite albums, many great, great memories. I am SO LUCKY to have had a dad like that in my life. Now-a-days kids have no idea about things like that, and a relationship like that. They don't even have fathers like that in their lives,....scary, I can't imagine. I could not imagine my life growing-up without my father there like he was. I mean, my mom is my best friend,...don't get me wrong,...I have a WONDERFUL mom, and she misses' my father like crazy, don't think my mom wasn't in the picture too. I still have my mom here, but obviously not my dad. My sisters and I would all snuggle up to my dad on the couch and put our (cold) feet under him, and he would warm them up. We would giggle, and laugh, and he loved it. He always had good advice for my brothers,...and all our friends growing-up would always be welcome. Always. Just home-y and happy. I miss him,....and the hole he left will never be filled. Just sad today, that's all.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Get over it

I got called into work very early,(someone called-in sick,) so I was there by 11:15am miraculously. (I had my alarm set for 1pm,) and I got up to go to the bathroom and I checked my cellphone,(I sleep with it,) and there was a msg, and a text from wk. asking if I could come in ASAP. So I called right away and started getting ready. Ugh!~ NOT fun when you go to bed at 5am the night(morning) before. I stayed til almost 8pm, and then went and picked-up some stuff I had on lay-away, and came home, took Munky for her hourly, nightly walk, and came in, watched 'Sex and the City', and now 'The Nanny' is on. Two of my three favorites. (Throw 'Friends' in, and I can forget the rest of the world for a long time!!!) SOOO~ my niece is planning on getting married in September,...I'm excited and scared for her at the same time,(she's so young,-22.) I thank god I didn't get married at that age,.....oy, what a mistake it would've been. I was with someone for 7 yrs. and it still didn't work out, -so glad I dug my heels in and stayed engaged for a looonnngg time. That was my only way out for the time being. We split up, and I dated someone else not seriously for almost a year, and then I met my now husband. Yep. He was marrying someone else,(I knew her and her sisters,) and I thought he was going to be so happy, and all he could tell me was how much he didn't care about the wedding, how he didn't want to get married, etc. etc. etc. (I thought it was just cold feet talking.) Then on his wedding day watching his wife-to-be walk down the aisle to him, it hit me hard and fast that I was in love with him. No one was more surprised than me,....everyone probably realized it before I did,....I cried thru the whole ceremony, and the whole reception he sat at my table talking with me. He went off on his honeymoon, and I was so relieved when he came back to work. (We all worked in a 6am bar together, his sister-in-law, him and I.) And two months after that all hell broke loose. Yea, not proud of how that happened, and neither is he, but when some things are meant to be, they are meant to be. And now 18 yrs. later, we are still happy together, and the ex-wife is still in love with him. (She had a freakin' screaming attack when she found out we were married.) Can you believe it? 13 yrs. later, and she can't get over it? Maybe I'm wrong to think that way, but really,....just move on. MOVE ON. She's 46 yrs. old, they were married when she was 24!!! for cricesake! Anyways~so much for our sordid past, all I can say is, I'm just very worried about my niece marrying someone when she is so young, and they haven't been together 2 yrs yet. Just scared and worried for her,-that's all. I know when I was her age I didn't want to listen to anyone, I've been keeping my mouth shut. If she asks for my opinion I will tell her, but if not, she won't be hearing anything about mistakes from me. Lord knows I have no room to talk.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Bad day

Yesterday was hell day at work. I came in to our Regional Mgr. having a closed door meeting with our GM and by the time he left, he was tranferred. 12 yrs. there, and gone in a second. I cried my eyes out. I honestly don't know if I want to stay there without him there. I am so angry,(even more-so,) and frustrated. On a slightly better note, I have a dr. appt. (psychiatrist) on Tuesday. FINALLY. I need it. Things are so overwhelming to me no matter what it is, good, bad, or otherwise. I need some kinda relief. Maybe this will help. I just know work won't be the answer with our GM gone. He was the best boss I have ever had. Honest to god,-he was fair, patient, hard-working, and never asked you to do anything he wouldn't do himself. And if you called in sick, NEVER got mad, he always said, 'that's life'. Maybe Monday I will put in some job applications to some places. I would never leave a job without a job,(as tempting as that may be,) I wouldn't. I slept like a rock last night,-my head was pounding, and I haven't been sleeping good for the last three nights,....but last night,-didn't even wake up once-that tired. Yea,-tired. Munky is being all cute and lovable next to me right now. She's so wonderful,....I can watch her clean, play, run, and hunt, and be entertained for hours. So cute, -my little peanut. She makes everything okay for me in my little world. She's my little savior,-keeps me hanging on. I'm so lucky to have her.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

This really isn't me

New laptop, and loving it! Took Munky and Sugar outside for over an hour, and we ran around, chased lizards, chased each other, and just plain had fun. Came in and now I just downloaded a bunch of pictures, and I'm watching "Eat,Pray,Love". I LOVE Javier Bardem. THATS a man. Anyways~I had an opportunity to meet someone I kinda made friends with at work, and I ended up backing out. I can't go out and meet them after work. I'm not ready to do it. I got scared, cancelled at the last minute, and came home and played with the kittys. My husband had a bunch of errands he had to do, and afterwards I told him if he felt like it, to go to the casino, and play some poker. (That always makes him happy, and if it makes him happy, it makes me happy.) Besides~ I like having the house to myself, just me and the kittys. (Thats why I'm watching this chickflick.) I ate cookies for dinner, and drank Coke all day. (Not good for someone who is borderline diabetic.) My other girlfriend just got back from Brazil, and hopefully we'll get to meet up and have lunch, and go shopping. (That I WON'T back out of,-that's for sure. I miss her way too much.) We are,(or were) really connected when I lived down in the Grove. One of the hardest things I've ever done was moving away from one of the best, closest, girlfriends I've ever made. We thought the same, loved the same clothes, shoes, wine, and both even weightlifted like maniacs.(Only problem is she still works-out, and looks gorgeous as ever,) and I, well~you've read,....I gained 4o lbs. in the last 4yrs. and I can't seem to get my fat ass out of bed to do anything that remotely resembles any form of exercise. I also can't finish a thought. I started working full time from not working at all for three and a half years straight. I still haven't bounced back, or snapped out of it. 4 years! Where am I? What happened to me? This isn't me. I just don't know where I went. I don't.

Monday, April 11, 2011

It's all I can do

Well I'm on the new laptop, and learning all the different ways of this one. Not used to it yet. I have no pictures on here or anything. Watched 'Jonah Hex' tonight, and I loved it. (Regardless of what Josh Brolin thinks of Russell Crowe,) I still like him, and his movies,(AND his father. Wow.) Got up around 2 o'clock today, -it was nice. Played with Munky, took her for a walk outside, and it was so damn hot out, I had to bring her in. (She was panting and breathing so hard and fast,-I think it was too much for her, so I got scared and brought her in the house.) She literally drank water for about 30 seconds. Thats long when you think about it. Anywho~I took the cutest pictures of her too. I'm so excited I have this laptop, it's really NICE. (I love the all white.) I just downloaded Skype too, so I can talk and SEE my mom. I miss her so much. I HATE that I can't go and see her.(Being with my legal limits and all.) Tomorrow I have to work but it's a short night, and I'm off again on Tuesday,-so yay me! I'm going to go now, I have to go research some psychiatrist info. Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Nothing much

I felt like I didn't have a day off today. We got U-Verse installed, and they called at 9:30 AM to let us know that they will be working outside to install the necessary wiring, etc. and then at 1 o'clock they came and left around 6 o'clock. Poor Munky was so scared, she hid under the bed the ENTIRE time. I felt so bad,....she didn't eat, play, nap,-nothing,-poor thing. She finally came out about an hour and a half after the guy left. I took her outside for over an hour,...she had fun. Hopefully that made up for some of that. So yeah,....that's all we did all day, husband and I. My next day off is Sunday, and I'm ALREADY looking foward to it. Spend the day at home doing nothing but sleeping late, playing with the kittehs, and laughing and spending time with my hubby. THATS nice. Still keeping in touch with K9 Rescue, and finding out that the white pitbull is doing great, needs some love, that's all, but he's enjoying being with other dogs, and loves his crate and new toys I got for him. I really wish we could've kept him. And now I have another lady coming in saying she might have to give-up her toy chihuahua Mimi. She's gorgeous, but this one I will be definitely keeping myself if she does have to give that little peanut up. I have to. She is gorgeous. We'll see,....I'll keep ya posted.