Monday, January 31, 2011

Okay to NOT SO okay

Sitting here watching 'Sex and the City' while my husband's at the gym. I really love watching this show. There is one episode I really love. I always felt like I was Carrie's character and my husband was Big's character. That was so us in almost every way that was in the show, except I learned alot quicker to not push my (now) husband to marry me. (We waited 14 years!!!) So yeah,...I was okay NOT being married. I love how he loves her, how she loves him, all the episodes my husband and I've been thru,.....all the fun, all the not-so-fun, ALL OF IT. I wouldn't trade any of it. So I love my girlie-time, too...I'm going to color my roots, watch more SATC,Friends, and The Nanny, and up until a little while ago, when I found Munky in the garage mezmerized by something that I finally saw was a palmetto bug, I was going to do laundry. NOT NOW. Oh God no way! I hate those things. I literally become hysterical when there is one in the house. (In the past, I've actually called my husband at work to come home and kill a palmetto bug in the apt., slept in my car because I couldn't catch one in the house, and slept on the couch for three months when my parents found a nest next to my bed in a pot of a fake palm tree someone gave me to decorate my room. Yep.) I HATE them and I'm deathly scared of them. No lie, no holding back, I'm a big baby when it comes to those things,.....and stitches,....I can't deal with stitches. Getting them, seeing them get done, even on TV, or in the movies, I can't watch, I get really skeeved-out. Even seeing them AFTER they've been put in. Eeeewwww. Oh no way.I just can't. I wanna toss my cookies totally. How I ever got piercings,(nose and bellybutton,) and tatoos,(3), and then get two removed, I will NEVER know. (Getting them removed is the MOST PAINFUL thing I've ever felt. O.M.G. Not exaggerating one bit,-I wish I was.) I still have one last session to go for the last one to be totally removed, and I've been putting it off for two years now. My husband goes with me,....but I can't lie,'s excruciating. You smell burnt skin, and it oozes and it's a big open sore for at least a week. It's gross. Thank goodness it's on my back,and I don't have to see it, or can't see it, believe you me. Because I couldn't take it.( I'd still have those ugly-ass tatoos on me.) Yup. I sure would.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

All in a days work

My computer has not been working for over two weeks now, and can you believe it? My husband (of all people!) talked with someone at the gym, and told him what to do to get it started again, and it worked! I would've never believed it was something as easy as it was. Never. (And my husband doesn't even know how to turn a computer on.) Yep,-really. Anywho!-sitting around right now doing some laundry, and my little Munky is fast asleep on the chair next to me. My little peanut. We were outside tonight for over an hour,...she finally got herself up in a tree.(She's been trying so hard to learn how to climb a tree, and couldn't. Poor thing.) Tonight she finally got her little body up and in the tree. She fell out mind you and then hissed at me when I went to see if she was okay, but I think it only bruised her little ego.(You know how kittehs are.)I was so happy for her. She acted like it was nothing tho.Silly lil kitteh. Got on Facebook, went thru ALL my emails. God it's great having the computer back again. Everything else on the life-front is the same. Still hating our legal problems, not interested whats-so-ever in the Super Bowl again this year, haven't won the lottery, and haven't been shopping in WAY TOO LONG! I'm jonesing to be honest, but I need a new anything like I need a hole in the head! I just can't. At least not until I start selling again on eBay. THEN I will shop again. (Let there be shopping!) Well,...on that note,...I will say goodnite, and I still have to fold laundry-ICK.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Can I have a do-over?

Went to the funeral today. Very hard to believe,...very hard to think about,...very hard not to cry. I got thru it. Home, and watching TV, playing with Munky, and my husband just went to bed. We watched the Golden Globes tonight, and I'm so happy that Natalie Portman won for 'Black Swan'. Great movie. I saw it two weeks ago, and I loved it, (but I knew I would. ANYTHING with ballet, and Natalie Portman I LOVE.) The Patriots lost, and that put my husband in a tizz. He was so mad,....but I told him he has to put that in perspective,....believe me,....after that funeral, nothing seems important anymore. It definitely puts things where they should be. I have to start making us realize that things aren't so bad for us. They aren't. But when all these legal shenanigans ends,-things will be MUCH better. I hope. Time will tell. Maybe Keechi will give me some incentive just by seeing her and having lunch with her. She was always my inspiration when I needed it. Always. I have to keep trying. We will have a great lunch tomorrow. I'm really looking foward to it. I'm going to end on a good note for once,-but I still wouldn't mind a do-over for this year already. Too much sadness. It's gotta stop. It just has to. Looking foward to lunch and shopping tomorrow at Aventura. I'll see ya tomorrow and let ya know how it went. Yay me.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I'm a downer

Today was a very lazy day. Did absolutely nothing except take Munky for a walk. We had fun, and the weather is gorgeous out. (Clear and about 55 degrees.) Got up and watched the news, on the computer, and thats about it. Going to a funeral Sunday,....and Monday I'm meeting my friend from the Grove for lunch at Cheesecake Factory in Aventura. I can't wait. I miss my friend so much. I wish we lived closer like we used to. I was in heaven when we lived next door to each other. Like having a built in roomate, sister, and best friend. We were so much alike,...we loved weightlifting, working-out, shopping, Cheesecake Factory,wine, and tanning. Things were so different back then. So much more simple. We had no money, owned our own gym and worked at a 5am bar, was hard, but fun. I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. Very hard work, no time for yourself, but when we did have our time, we sure made the most of it. So many great, great memories. I almost wish we had nothing again, and had those times back. They were too good, too fun. Nothing at all like we live now. There is no sign of those people in us anymore. Not after what we've been thru. People just show me more and more bad sides. This whole world is going to hell in a handbasket as far as I'm concerned. All I see are the mean, hurting people, hurting animals, uncaring, bite-the-hand-that-feeds-you kinda people, and there is no end in sight.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Not for the better

Well this year is off to horrifying start. My co-worker, and very good friend's sister (age 26) died Wednesday, and tonight at work, someone who used to work with us, we found out, was found dead this morning. This is just starting out so, so, horrible. ANOTHER co-worker just found out her condo has been foreclosed on, and I'm about ready to go over the edge with all this. I mean really? How does all this happen in less than a week of the New Year? How? If this is any indication of how this year will be than I want a do-over. Go right back, and start ALL OVER. I have probation next week, and I'm dreading it. I cannot wait til this whole fiasco is over in our lives, and we can be normal people again. You really have no idea. For all the great stuff that we have in our lives; our health, each other, kittehs, a job with benefits, and our family, financial security,....this whole legal clusterf*$% ruined our lives. I am so messed-up from this whole thing. I'll never be the same again for the rest of my life. I'm not whinning, I'm just stating a fact,....I quit working-out,(I worked-out for 22 years,we owned a gym, working-out was a big part of our life.) I don't trust anyone at all, most of all,- cops. I'll never understand how this all got to this point and so far out of control in our life. I'm so paranoid, absolutely NO blinds or windows can be opened at any time in our house. NONE. EVER. And my husband feels the same way. We feel like we are still/always being watched. (We were,- and numerous neighbors told us after the fact.) So our entire home was wrecked from floors, to walls to cabinets being torn off the walls. Yep. What was once our beautiful home was ruined on some trumped up charge that ended up being false anyways. Doesn't matter. Not anymore. I just know that the last years have changed us both, and there is no going back. We have aged from the stress of it all unbelievably. How do people really live thru stuff like this? I will just never understand it all,-NEVER. I'm a changed person and not for the better. Not for the better.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Lost, and can't be found

Well Happy New Year to me. The holidays suck. I'm so glad they are over. Ya know how I feel sometimes? You ever watch Al Pacino in 'Scent of a Woman' when he's done driving the Ferrari? He's all depressed, feeling like his life is over. It's sad, and that's how I feel alot. I spend time with Munky,....I spend time with my husband,...and it's fun for a little while, but I don't feel at peace anymore. I just don't feel like me anymore in my own skin. Is that even possible? To make matters worse, my friend at work is having a really hard time,-his sister is barely surviving in the hospital right now, and he is just hurting so bad. It makes me hurt seeing him and his family going thru this. It really looks like she isn't going to make it either. She bartends right across the street from where we work, and she got sick, and has no insurance, and didn't want to pay the money to go see a doctor, and let it go thinking she was going to get better, and,....well,....she wasn't getting better and her roomate made her go to the ER where her father works, and she collapsed. Within 10 hours she was put on life support, and within 24 hrs. of that her liver and kidneys are failing. It was pnuemonia. (sp.?) THAT'S why this country needs help for people without any health insurance. That was me 20 yrs. ago, it could've been at anytime. No health insurance for the longest time,....that could've been me. One day she was alive and now, well, we don't know. It's awful. Horrible. Will I ever feel right again? Ever? I keep waiting to come back to the old me, that faithfully worked-out, ate right, did cardio, and always, but always kept in shape,,....I'm that 45 yr.old haggy woman that thinks about what used to be. When did I become this? When? I feel like I'm someone else,...but I don't know who that is. I don't. I have no friends anymore,....not anyone that I can really talk to, because I wouldn't talk to anyone when everything happened to us. I was too ashamed,....too hurt, too unstable,....too scared of everything,-still am. When does this stop? I'm always so paranoid too. I just can't seem to get back to where I was,.....and I don't know how to even start. Now what? I don't know where I go from here in my head.