At work sometimes I feel like I'm a million miles away, and I wanna be anywhere but there. ANYWHERE, or like I'm gonna run screaming at any second outta there. Does anyone ever feel like that or is it just me? I'm sure if I loved what I do I wouldn't feel like this so much, but selling liquor isn't one of my life's dreams, ya know? I mean bartending for almost 20 yrs. was enough, and if I never saw any kind of alcohol again for the rest of my life, I wouldn't care for a second. Now shoes, handbags, clothing, or jewelry would be fun to sell, or anything in that area would be fun to work with, but I don't see an overweight, 40-something, woman who is still on probation, going to get any kind of job in any decent, respectable place. I'm too old, and just not what someone is looking for in anything it seems right now. I mean I am responsible,(even if it sounds like I'm not what with the probation thing hanging over my head,) I'm punctual, I'm polite, honest, and hardworking,....my appearance isn't sloppy by any means, I make the best of what I am right now, but you'd think that little bit would count for something, but it doesn't. So I will keep looking tho, no matter what. And I'm going to try to lose weight. I started cardio today,...nothing major, just a half hour, but ITS A START. (I'm hoping by the time I'm 50 I will look somewhat better than now.) I guess that's really not saying much,-right now I'm at my heaviest, and my hair is too long, and I feel like I look haggard, but I'm going to try to change all that, at least what I can. Change. It's a good word, and a bad word. In my life it always veered toward the bad side. I hated change of any kind. I grew-up very routine, and any deviation threw me horribly. My one brother is the same way,....so was my father,......I understand how I got like this. My husband is the worst,....he has a routine down to what he eats everyday. Scary thought, isn't it? (How do you think a 50 yr.old man looks like he does? All those muscles didn't come by eating cake and ice cream every night.) I just can't be THAT routine, I need a teeny tiny bit of change when it comes to certain things. I like to go out and try new restaurants,.....it about kills my husband. He can't take it. Go anywhere that we don't normally go and heaven forbid if it's a bad experience, I hear about why we never try something new, so I've basically given up in that regard. I don't mean this in a bad way, it's just how he is and I've excepted that part of him. Believe me,...I can overlook things when I love someone as much as I love him. My parents were always all about trying new places to eat,...they loved that, (yes,-even my father,-he loved how fun my mother was and she made him happy.) So,....the story of my life right? I'm stuck working in a crappy job that I don't really like,...and I have no way of doing anything about it til this legal crap is over and done with. Yup. Running and screaming a million miles away. Just think of me when you hear that in your head. It's in mine every day.