Pulling the hair outta my head

I'm panicking in my head. I feel like life is passing us by. What if I went to the doctor and found out I had some fatal disease? Is this how I want to live? I mean I'm so thankful for my husband, kitties, and home(s). It all just seems to be going by quicker, and quicker everyday. My husband is in such a survival mode of all this stuff, that he just can't enjoy, or see any of the little, good things to be thankful for. It's hard to tell him too. He is just so,.....oh, I don't know,.....so aggravated by everyday life. I'm happy we live in a beautiful home,.....he is aggravated beyond belief that it's not perfectly clean every second of everyday. That's how it is at our house. With everything. EVERYTHING. It's hard to enjoy things when someone can't see the goodness in everyday life, and I guess I should understand how he feels,...because I'm going thru it too, but I still think we are EXTREMELY lucky in other aspects of our life, and know things could be ALOT worse. Why can't he see that? I mean we both have lost parents, we both have lost many friends way too early, and he should know that everyday is not to be lived like we are living. Why doesn't he just understand? I'm just having a hard time when he gets like this. I could be so content sometimes,.....I mean to a point, ya know? I guess his escape is playing poker, working-out, and watching sports. Mine is this blog, (which he totally doesn't understand at all,-in fact he hates it,) shopping, Ebay, and our kitties. So now what?

What will tomorrow bring?

I will spend the next two days off and very happy about it. I worked Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday. I am drained to the max. Today we went to my sister-in-laws and had a great BBQ. The weather was great, the food was awesome (as always,) and we had alot of fun. I really wish we could move into the condo above her so bad. How great would that be? So cool when I think about it in my head. So much like a little family. How I miss that so much. Saturday would have been my dad's birthday. I called my mom,.....how I miss him. WE miss him. It never stops or goes away, does it? Never. SOOOOOO,.....tomorrow I will be happy to go to the gym, spend some time with Munky, and my husband, and I plan on going to the neighbors house who is taking care of Sugar and talk with her. I have to. I don't want her to think anything bad, and explain about Munky to her, and let her know that's why Sugar doesn't want to be here so much. It's killing my husband and I, we drive by there a few times a day to see if he is there outside. We saw him once today and he wouldn't come in, so I brought him a bowl of food outside, and sat with him while he ate. I practically cried. I miss him so much. I have just run out of ideas to do with him. I guess I will just have to wait-n-see. What else? Been going to the gym, and it's making me feel alot better after every workout. Alot. Yet I'm still really depressed,....all I want to do is sleep and hang with Munky, (and Sugar if he let me.) This seems like a really weird time in my life. All loose ends, and I feel like we still don't know about our lives,........just so up in the air. I want to be settled and start living our "fun" life. When does it start? Not like we don't have fun, but I hate being on edge, and not being in control of our own life. I hate it,....it makes me crazy. Everyday I wake up and wonder if my husband will still be here at the end of the day with me. It's like slow torture, living our life like this. It's making me physically sick now. I have IBS,....my stomach always hurts, I eat uncontrollably, and I'm can't remember or concentrate on anything. I'm lucky I can work. I think it's a welcome escape. The doctor told me everything I'm going thru is all to be expected in a high-stress situation. I should keep working-out, taking vitamins, and doing what I can to relax. Munky really helps with that. When I go to sleep at night, and wake-up in the morning and she is there, I am happy. When I play with her, she keeps me so entertained, and I so adore her. She is sweetest, cutest little thing. I do miss Sugar, but I can't force him to stay with us. So I'm trying to deal. That's all I can do with everything. Just deal with it,-right?

Long day today, and another one to look foward to tomorrow. Doctor's appointment and then work. Whoop-ee. I did get to the gym tho, and will be going tomorrow too before the doctor. Looooonnnngggg day tho,.....NOT looking foward to it. I just want it over with. I'm not off until next Monday. Ugh. Don't ya just feel like your on a hamster wheel sometimes? Go to work, go to the gym, come home, cook dinner, do some laundry, play with kitties, go to bed. Get up and start all over again,....day after day, after day. OMG. Does it ever end? Things just seem so pointless sometimes. Would it be any different if we lived in Canada? (I always think it will be SSSSSSSSOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER.) Right now my husband is a little peeved at me because Sugar wouldn't come in all day today, and it stormed out really bad. He won't come in because of Munky and now we don't know what to do. We already talked to the neighbor who's house he's been staying at. They love him so much too, (thank god.) They brush him, and he sleeps in their bed with them even,....(like he used to do with us.) I miss him so much, and so does my husband, that's why he's upset. I don't know what to do tho. We can't get rid of Munky,-I love her too so much,....I'm just torn. Maybe thats why I'm feeling so unsettled. I don't know.