Nothing from nothing IS nothing

I feel trapped in a little box called my life. I go to work, I come home, play with lil Monkey and Sugar, talk with my husband, eat some dinner, and get ready for bed. Thats how it goes, day after day,....week after week. I don't know when all this stress will end. I see myself years ago,...and I don't remember the last time I've even felt attractive. I'm 40lbs. heavier, my hair is 8 inches shorter, my body and face hasn't seen the sun in years, and I haven't been to the gym in a year as of June 19th(of last year.) I have disinagrated before my own eyes. I try to care,...but sometimes I wonder what for. Sometimes I remember what it was like to not worry about my looks. I never knew I looked okay until now. I look back, and wonder how I got to now,I'm just a mess. A TOTAL MESS. I never knew how good I had it until now. I feel like the best years of me are gone,.....totally passed me by, and I'm only 44. I watch other women,....my age,.....and I now know,-I am a total goner. I just can't seem to care enough about myself,......I'm so tired all the time,....I just want to nap with my kitty, and never leave my bedroom. That or just walk around the mall for hours on end, looking at all the pretty clothes, shoes, and jewelry. Just people watch. I'm always so curious about people,.....I don't like them, but I am curious, I have to admit. It's a weird catch-22. I am so thankful tho for the little things,.....seeing my kitty happy outside playing,....thunderstorms and cuddling,....holding my husband's hand at night falling asleep,....the little things. Why can't I be thankful for little old me?

My little life, my little mind.

Sometimes my life feels like a dream. It seems so surreal right now, but I'm sure everyone can say that one time or another in their lifetime. I look back at all that has happened in my little life, and moments, feelings, things that have actually happened and wonder how I ever survived it all. Is it like that for everyone? I wonder if it's just me, or I'm just looking into a neverending story, with an ending that no one knows the outcome. I'm so scared right now; I go to sleep scared, I wake-up feeling scared and doomed. I'm happy to go to work, yet the responsibility puts pressure on me that I sometimes feel I can't handle. I feel like I could break at any moment. I'm so on the edge, I'm trying anything to make me not think. This little kitten just opens my heart, and yet I still feel pressure trying to make sure I'm doing everything right by her. I watch the news, and there is someone in Dade, and Broward County mutilating cats. This is so heinous, I fantasize about catching this thing of a person, and torturing them slowly. I mean that 'thing' is disembowling them and leaving them on people's front lawns,(usually the owners.) Oh please let me catch someone doing that,-I think I would even surprise myself at how horribly mean, and cold I could be right now the way I've been feeling. Sometimes I don't know how to reel myself in. I feel like if the time was right, one wrong person could say or do the wrong thing, and I will just go off. (That is a horrible feeling to be on edge for as long as I have.) We have a meeting with our lawyer this Weds. and now he says that things are 'looking up.' (So much for those wonderful depositions we have read. I hate you cops and DEA guys. The whole lot of you. Liars you are! Asshole Pigs.) I try to keep the time to myself occupied on here writing,-that helps. It honestly makes me feel better to just let it out. I just don't know how to feel good anymore. Jeez,-I thought I had problems before all this,.......life was a piece of cake then. Now I just sit alone alot, without the TV, or radio, not even listening to music. And cry alot,...then become angry, and cry some more. I just need quiet,....and for everyone to just leave me alone. (Not my kitties tho.) That is the only thing that brings me peace. Any animal really. So innocent and sweet they are. They just want to be loved, and paid attention to, right? People have to bring the ugliness out, and abuse, neglect, and hunt them. This is how I have come to hate people. Really. We ruin everything and anything good in this world.

I just can't handle it.

I'm trying so hard to keep myself always occupied. What with work, and Sugar and the new kitten, (Monkey), I do get that done most of the time.(But with 'Breaking Bad' having had it's season finale Sunday night, I'm all bent outta shape.)On a dead serious note, -we got the 'depositions' in the mail from our lawyer, and read again all the awful stuff that had happened to us last year,....I kinda lost it. My day off I just couldn't get going, and I couldn't focus on anything, and I could'nt even get out of my jammies. I mean, I am paranoid as hell right now. What with our lawyer telling us we shouldn't live in our neighborhood because he basically thinks the cops will be 'after us' if my husband doesn't get any kinda 'jail time' for the stupid thing that was found in our house. I am so damn angry I wanna scream. What the hell kinda world do we live in that we have to be AFRAID of the cops? I am so unusually angry, and mad, and paranoid, and just plain tired of always being on guard. I don't know how this will all end up, but it's just becoming too much. I guess we will have to put our beautiful house up for sale, and our other two properties, and move somewhere out of the area. I mean this really sucks. I really think I should go talk to a shrink or something. I can't handle anything right now. I just am at my wit's end as to how to relax, and I can't tell you the last time my husband and I went out to dinner and had any fun. It's been so long since anything good has happened in our lives. I never thought we would be in this spot. Not in a million years. I would've laughed in someone's face, and bet my life that this could've never happened to us,...but it did, and it has, and we are facing some ugly possibilities in our lives. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but it's hard, and old real fast trying to keep a front on all the time, ya know? I guess now I know if my husband has to 'go away' for awhile, I definitely can't stay in our house alone. No way. I just don't know anything,.......it's so hard to not know your future. It makes me crazy thinking I'll be away from my husband for ANY AMOUNT OF TIME. Just a moment at a time I guess,....I don't have a choice. It just really sucks, and it's not fair, and I hate the world right now, and people, and cops,........and everything. It's not fun feeling watched and unsafe from the cops in your own home.