Every little bit helps me

Today has been a nice day so far. Off from work today and tomorrow, and I got up late, played with Munky for awhile, and then looked online for a dryer on Craigslist. Found one and we called when my husband got up, and I took a nap w/ Munky and my hubby went and picked up the dryer. Got up and went grocery shopping and came home and started cooking homemade mashed potatoes and meatloaf and gravy. I have had the worst craving for meatloaf and mashed taters. My husband is just happy I'm cooking. When I didn't work I cooked dinner every night. It was fun,....WHEN I DIDN'T WORK, but NOW, working the hours that I do, it's just too hard to cook every night when I come home around 10:30 or 11:30. So another thing down, and now we have to have our A/C looked at. Monday. Tomorrow. I'd like to go shopping, but I don't see it happening. That's okay tho. I'll live. Ummm,......maybe I'll do some much needed cleaning around here. That would be more productive for us, and just plain better. I know this, but in our depression, it's so hard to do the littlest thing. Like getting outta bed, making a simple phone call, or writing out a stupid bill. Yeah,~ we just need to move outta here. Too many bad memories that make us depressed. I keep going over and over in my head when the cops came in here and wrecked our house. They were just so malacious about it. So happy to do it. Didn't look or listen to anything we tried to say, and just destroyed everything from the ground up. And my poor Sugar couldn't understand anything that was going on. He was running from room to room not knowing where to hide or go. That alone makes me so goddamn angry that I wanna kill them. My poor thing, so scared. But I try not to let myself get carried away thinking of that day, and how our lives have changed 360 degrees. We are not the same people, nor will we ever be again. Hopefully we will come out stronger for it. That's the only silver lining in it all. I have to look at it like that, or I will make myself absolutely crazy. Totally. The other thing is I've become ALOT closer to my sister-in-law. I've really come to love,rely, and know her better than ever, and I'm a better person for her helping me, and us. I honestly don't know what I will do once we move up to Canada. I will miss her horribly. I will feel like my husband and I are alone with no one on our side. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I feel that way. Exposed. So~I'd like to end on a happier note. I was at work yesterday and saw one of Munky's siblings. OMG! So cute! So beautiful. All black little kitteh, with a white stripe right down the middle of her nose, and long haired like Sugar. So gorgeous. I'd love to be able to catch her and keep her with Munky. How cute would that be to give her a forever home. Not live on the street,....she's (or he) is already feral,....she's already too grown up to make them an indoor kitteh. The only thing I can do, and plan to do, is humanely catch her,(them) and have them all spayed and neutered, and bring them back to the same area. That's what we used to do when I volunteered for the No-kill cat shelter. So there's no more unwanted, abused,neglected little kittehs running around. I mean, more unwanted, abused, neglected kittehs. No more. It's gotta stop somehow. Every little bit helps, and I'm going to keep trying. It helps me in ways that nothing and no one else could/can.

Deals and steals

Okay, thank God this day is over. Thank you Lord. My day in court got another continuance,(sp?)...but at least there is light at the end of the tunnel. My NEXT court date (not til Sept.) should be my last. I'm going to be getting a year probation with six months done uneventfully, and it will be done, and no license suspension,(which I had no idea about could happen until today. I almost had a heart attack when my lawyer mentioned it in passing. Jeez.) So my life will start within the next year when this whole fiasco is over and done with, and I'm hoping we can move outta here fairly quick. (Altho anything to do with selling real estate right now is one big headache, and stress-fest.) But I will keep my fingers crossed and hope something outta all this will go somewhat smoothly. Something. Anything. The place I looked at in east Boca is still for sale, but I don't know under what circumstances. I will have to do some research and find out about it. I would absolutely LOVE to live in that place. It would be like living in a giant treehouse. It's on the second floor surrounded by beautiful palms and foliage, and it's only a couple blocks from the water, and it's in a gorgeous, safe, neighborhood. I would love it. And best of all, we would be living right upstairs from my sister-in-law. That would be THE BEST PART. So,~on a lighter note,...I have been getting some great deals, and shopping done on eBay,...a beautiful, AUTHENTIC, Prada bag for $45!!! And some gorgeous YSL heels for less than $100!!! I love getting great deals from eBay,...I don't understand why it makes me feel good, but it does. I think I have a little bit of a "shopping problem" , but I honestly don't know how to stop or how to talk myself outta it when I'm bidding (or buying ) something that I want. Who knows. I don't. Anyhow~ I'm signing off right now to get back on eBay, and check out some deals. I'll keep ya posted.

Full blown panick mode

Well, I've hardly slept, and I'm really going into panick-mode thinking about Thursday's court date. I can't stop thinking about having to be on probation. Thing's like that I thought I'd never have to be involved in or think about. I don't mean to make it sound like it's below me, because believe me, I don't think like that, I just thought I'd never be in this situation. I never knew this even existed. Well welcome me into the real world I guess. Damn. I'm just having a hard time adjusting to the THOUGHT of it all even. I guess I'm worrying for nothing, because this is getting nothing done really,.....jeez. I have to remember that everyone can't see into my life, and they aren't judging me, (altho I do live in So.FL. and that does happen everyday, just for different reasons; not the right bag, or clothes, or whatever!) Ummm,....yeah, I'm in full-blown panick mode now, and I can't help it. I want to get on eBay, but I'm not going to. I can't keep feeding my panick modes by shopping or spending money that I partly don't have and/or shouldn't be spending. (Believe me, I know how lucky I am to even be able to feed this stupid habit.) I really need to get going on getting to a psychiatrist, or head dr. I just need to do something to help myself instead of wallowing in it. All the shoes, handbags, and clothing won't cure me,...and I know that, but I just keep going, and I have to figure out other ways to vent, or let out my whatever-it-is that does this to me. At least I'm one step ahead of the game and can admit I have a huge problem, and I want to help myself stop, right? Right? I'm telling myself yes. Yes to all. And I do know everyone deals with things in different ways,....everyone. So, in that respect, I shouldn't beat myself up too, too much like I have been. But I know what I have to do, and I will do whatever it takes. I have to.

Yeah, THIS ONE DIDN'T get away

SO~last Sunday was the finale of 'Breaking Bad' and that damn show has me so tied up in knots, I don't know which way I'm going. My god! Aaron Paul sure has my vote to win the next whatever-the-award-is for TV show actors. He is unbelievable. That show rocked my world. I took that show to heart. I was literally a mess every Sunday night after it was over,......really. Now I feel kinda empty without it on. I still have 'Burn Notice' and Fee. She is the bomb,....that's who I want to be when I grow-up! No lie. So-I'm finally feeling better about my last eBay experience. I bought two more bags to make up for it and a pair of YSL-look-alikes by Dolce Vita,....they are really nice,...(can't wait to wear them,....I guess to court,....jeez,-that sucks.) Yea, I have a court date this coming Thursday, and I'm just now starting to panic about it. Usually it's last week, but I've been working so much, and sick that I kinda forgot about it. (Wish I could forget the whole thing.) So my fate is in my lawyers hands,....along with the prosecutor and judge, I guess. I'll let ya know what happens,....I'm thinking this is the big judgement day on me, so we will see. I could toss my cookies right now just saying that. (Deep breaths,deep breaths.) Okay, I'm alright now. (And you wonder why I shop like I do, and love my kittehs unconditionally, and wish I could spend every waking second with them than around scumbag people.) Anyways,~I'm trying to get some vacation time off at work for August, but I'm not sure I will get it, being that two other people will be on vacation,....but I'm still going to try and hope. Might get to go up to Ipswich and eat some clams and see some friends,...and just enjoy life, even if it's only for a week. If not, we have my Family Reunion coming up in November for a week, and I really can't wait for that. I'm so excited,....it'll be different with all that has happened in the last month but at least we will all be together, and that's what counts. Enjoying time with all the family together. We will be staying at the Hotel where my hubby and I got married in Universal,....it'll be nice to be there again. Good memories. I'm so looking foward to it, and this is the last one my mom's planning for awhile, because she decided it's going to be every five years instead of every two. (She DOES pay for EVERYONE, and the hotel bill, all tickets to Universal,Disney, and SeaWorld,...so it is ALOT of planning and money, and she's not getting any younger.) So,....that is going to be the big finale in that way. I'm just really, really looking foward to it.( So,...at least I'll have new bags and shoes to wear.) Yep,....I need a nap soon. Loooonnnngggg day.

The one that got away

Okay, so this is the kinda week I've been having,.....I found this really awesome,(expensive) bag on eBay, that was going for a ridiculously,unbelievable price, and I did everything in my power to make sure I was home to get this bag.(I even rearranged my work schedule!) I mean I was serious,....so, time is coming and this is like an $500 bag that is like at $20!!!! I'm having a cow,...waiting, waiting, waiting, and I always wait til like 15-20 seconds left to bid so that they can't up the bid too much after I bid,...so I put in my high bid for lets just say a few hundred dollars, and my computer CRAPS OUT ON ME! I think my blood pressure went thru the top of my head,...well, to make matters worse,.....yea, I loved this,....the winning bidder bought this bag for,.....$39.51!!! I wanted to tear my eyes outta my head,....I couldn't believe it. Then,....I was at work on Saturday, and had to go home sick because I felt awful and have been in bed ever since.(Running to the bathroom every half hour gettin sick or so.) So yeah, I've had a crappy week.(Ha-ha.) Oh, and also, our A/C in the house is not cooling right, so yeah, we are having record breaking heat down here, and our A/C which is not even 2yrs.old decides to die on us. Could things go wrong anymore? Could they? I'm hating life more than I usually do right now. Now on the good side. I checked on my Facebook msgs. and someone who I haven't seen or heard from since 1977!!! found me and wrote me. Very nice. A brother and sister that my sister and I (and my parents) all met on a cruise we took,....we had a GREAT time,...we got to meet Pele' the soccer player, (who even as a kid I was VERY in awe of,) and he was the perfect gentlemen to my sister and I, and was very gracious. All in all, it was a great vacation at my tender age of 12, but I remember the fun we had like it was yesterday. I can't wait to call my mom and sister and tell them that they got in touch with me,...they will be so excited to hear about it. (I tell my mom everything. She's my best friend next to my husband,sister, and sister-in-law. Heck!-my mom was my matron of honor at our wedding.) So yeah, at least that balanced out the stupidity of my computer not working quick enough. I should'nt even care, but it galls me, that's all. So mad I am. So damn mad. It's only material stuff I gotta tell myself,....it's just aggravating that's all. I'm laughing about it now. Really I am,.........in my head.

Maybe I'm not so strange

Well,....a lighter posting today, I promise. I have the next two days off, and I really am doing the 'happy dance'. Went shopping at the mall today, but I really wanted to try to go to this other huge outlet mall, but I've never gone by myself, and I couldn't do it. I'm fighting my phobias again because of all the stress,...so yeah,...I wanted to go to one place,but ended up going to the same mall I always go to, (which really isn't so bad.) I just know that the less I do, the less I'm able to do, (if that makes sense to you.) Anyhow~remember when you were little the things you liked,-whether it be food, toys, people, etc.? and the things you didn't? Well, for some reason in traffic trying to keep myself from my panic attacks while driving alone, my mind wandered, and I started remembering all these little things from when I was younger. Weird, huh? Well, I know I can remember LOVING butter so much when I was little that my family had to pass the butter to each other UNDER the table so I wouldn't cry for it. (And believe it or not, I HATE butter, margarine, anything even LIKE butter now.) I loved sweets for as far back as I can remember, and still do,...so much so that in the past three years since all the legal crap has been going on, I ate so much sweets that my dr. told me that I am borderline diabetic, so I have stopped cold turkey, and I never knew how damn hard it would be. I was eating cake, cookies, candy, anything chocolate EVERY SINGLE DAY. Now, MAYBE once a week. I really don't like mushrooms, even the smell of them cooking makes me want to toss my cookies, FOR REAL. Cheeses, all of them, can't stomach, mayonaise, makes me want to gag, any kinda salad dressing, except for oil and vinegar,.....disgusting,...cottage cheese, cream cheese,ANY and ALL cheesecake, sour cream,even whipped cream! all will NEVER-EVER touch my fork. NEVER. I LOVED milk when I was kid and teenager, but as an adult I never touch it. I love eggs, but don't like quiche,....I hate cheese, but can eat pizza if it's mozzarella,....I used to love pasta and tomato sauce, and now I can tolerate pasta, and am allergic to tomato sauce. Strange. I have heard that if you eat alot of a certain thing, that when you get older, you will become allergic to it. I never ate greens when I was a child, but now I love asparagas, salad, green beans, arugula, and broccolli. (I know I can't spell,-bare with me.) I've always loved fish and seafood, but now I'm not thrilled with shrimp so much, but I could eat lobster, clams, and mussels for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I also could eat any kinda breakfast food all day every day. I LOVE breakfast. LOVE, love, love it! One of the other things I can't stomach,-escargot. EEEEeeeeewwwwww!!!!! NEVER EVER. Cannoli's and tiramusi, and any cheesecake, even chocolate cheesecake will never be near me,....and~NEVER liked coffee anything, but now I can't get the day started without my Einstein's vanilla hazelnut iced coffee. So good. And I think I've covered all my bases,....oh, and NEVER to this day will I ever have a male doctor ever. I don't know why, but I can't do it. I'm a strange girl, - I know. Is everyone like this? or have these "things" about them? Makes me wonder.

Just be-ing

Alright,-I'm sorry again. It really is my computer. I swear it's playing headgames with me. I can't get it going again, and then all of a sudden,-boom!-it works fine,...and then can't get on the internet,...can't get on eBay, can't do anything but play solitaire offline. Then the next day I turn it on, and fiddle with it, and it gets started, and on and on and on. (You get the picture.) Between that, and my job, and this damn oil spill,....and the Joran Van der Pig thing,....and my husband's truck being in the shop for seven days straight,.....and just plain ole' working too much, and being depressed, and welcome to everyone's life too, right? I just can't bounce back from the death in our family last month,...and my upcoming courtdate, and worrying about my mom's health, and my other niece, and can I just make it all go away? All of it. I'm so tired of being tired. I am. I hate the world, and people. People can ruin a free lunch. Look what we've done now to the ocean,....look what we do to each other, let alone animals, even our own kids. I just can't seem to get past all the negative in this world. I can't and it's wrecking me. I'm hating too much. I really am. I just want to save all the animals in the world and live my life with them, and never be around another asshole human being. Animals don't judge or look down their nose at you, everything they do is honest, and there are no hidden agendas. None. They just do, and feel, and,.....just be. Just be. So I guess that's what I've been doing,....just being.