Just laying low

It's a little past 5am, and I can't sleep. I'm sitting here with Munky, and we are watching TV,....(my hubby is at the casino,....at least he's doing something that's fun to him.) I have the next two days off, and I'm very happy about it,-but when I do nothing, I feel like I've wasted them. I don't know,....I feel like I should be getting something done, but what I don't know. I'm still feeling very guilty about losing contact with all my friends. Ever since everything has happened, I have just dropped off the side of the earth. I talk to no one, I see no one, and have no contact at all. It just seems too hard for me and I think about it everyday. One of my best friends I haven't kept in touch with for almost 22 months now. Sad, isn't it? I know. I should call or even email, but I just don't want to have to deal with anything, or questions, or anyone asking to see me and/or hangout. I just don't want to. I look and feel so bad, I just hate the thought of her (them) thinking how bad and awful I look and am now. Because I AM! I'm hateful, mean, and angry now. And I just don't care about anything or anyone anymore. (Except husband, family, and kitties.) I don't care. I know I just contradicted myself,-feeling bad that I'm not staying in touch with anybody, and on the other hand,- saying I don't care. (THAT'S how screwed up in the head I am. Calling all doctors!) Let's see,....besides the kitties, American Idol has been keeping my occupied. I'm really liking that Andrew Garcia guy. Olympic hockey is making me somewhat happy also. (I want Canada to win some sorta gold in hockey tho.) And of course,....Ebaying. ALWAYS makes me happy. I love getting great deals. It's like heaven to me. I will forever be an Ebay Girl. Yep. SO,.....yeah, I'm pretty boring right now. Sorry. That's about it. I'm just laying low.

My day

Today at work was an uneventful,-which is just fine by me. Came home to my sis-in-law here at home w/ my husband, hanging out watching an Olympic hockey game. (Hey, they ARE Canadian, AND it IS my favorite sport.) Had a nice time,....we all sat here tired tho. My sis-in-law got to see the Dali Lama yesterday. He was a guest speaker at the college she teaches at. I really wish I could follow his teachings, and really apply it to myself. I want to stop disliking people but I just can't help it. Especially the more I hear the horrible stories about the things people do everyday. What is the world coming to? I mean really. I feel bad for the kids that are going to grow-up and have to deal with what the world is going to become when all these un-
supervised kids, who don't care, aren't educated, and have NO respect for anyone, and barely themselves are running the world. Only time will tell. Only time will tell. So,...sitting here watching the Olympics, waiting for more hockey, and playing with Munky. Tomorrow I am going to get up somewhat early,(for me,) and go hang out with a friend I've made from work. She is really great, and she has alot of problems,(as does everyone,) but we always try to cheer each other up. She is very down to earth, and I really think the world of her. Anyways, - I am looking foward to seeing her, and spending some time with her before I have to go to work. So that's all my fun. Entertaining,-ain't it?

Still the Same

Hi there! Sorry, once again, I have been neglecting. My little world is still pretty dismal,-I'm sorry to say. Are ya sick of hearing it?! I am. I have another court date in April, and I'm hating it all still. Still HATE cops, judges, detectives, and most authoritive figures. It's hard for me to hide. I've always been like that. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Most people can read me like a book. My husband, family, friends, and mostly, my kitties have been keeping me somewhat sane. (If you can call me sane, because I feel like I'm totally outta sorts.) Doing everyday things is excruciatingly hard for me. I'm really having a hard time coping. I still haven't found a phsyciatrist yet. (I know I need to.) On the up side, I finally got to visit with my mom for her birthday last weekend. It was really nice to go to Key Largo and just visit. I miss going there. I always felt like a little kid staying there. It felt like I was safe and cocooned. Scary that I don't feel like that anywhere else ever since everything has happened with us. I'm still shopping like a crazy person. I do anything I can to get outta the house sometimes when I feel like we are being watched. (I know I sound paranoid, believe me.) I take walks with the kitties, we sit outside, run around the yard, play, and I really do try to stay busy so I can't think. Do you know how draining that is? This has been going on for almost two years. I am DRAINED. It's no wonder I have aged ten years in the span of two. Munky turned one year old this month. She is so adorable. Her little personality comes out more and more everyday. She still needs to be socialized. She is very scared of everything. Sugar and Munky get along OK, but not great. Yet. I'm still hoping that will change. Sugar has taken up residents with another couple who live one street over from us, and we keep in touch constantly. We even found out that he has ANOTHER family that he's hanging with! (He's such a little 'playa'!) I love my little peanuts. Without them, I would be so horribly unhappy right now. They show me so much love, and fun, and happiness. I forget the world around me when they are around. Munky goes outside with me once a day on her harness and leash, and watching her see things for the first time, and trying to figure some things out, is the cutest thing in the world to me. Her and Sugar interacting just mesmerizes me. I want a bunch of kitties! I would never be unhappy! SO,......

....that's been what's going on with me. Work is going well and uneventful, which is just how I like it. My husband and I are still big homebodies. I cooked a 10 lb. turkey, stuffing and some baked potatoes tonight, and we watched "American Idol". Nice, quiet night,-just like we like. I will write again,.....I PROMISE.

P.S. The sale for the condo fell thru. Still working just for that damn place. Another thing to be hating life about. Bah.

It's been SSSOOOOOO LONG since I've last written. Going thru alot. Still more court dates, more worries, more stress. I hardly leave the house anymore. Only to go to work, and the grocery store. I'm so depressed. Everything is overwhelming to me. I don't cook, I barely clean, and all I do is sleep, and work. Sleep and work. My husband has been a saint. He does all he can around the house. I don't know for how much longer he will do it until he says something to me, or we have a fight about it. I just can't organize anything. My thoughts are too jumbled, and I can't concentrate on anything. When I'm here alone, I turn everything off, and just sit and play with Munky, or take her out in the front yard and she pretends she's a big cat hunting. So sweet, and so cute. (I'll have to post pictures.) She and Sugar are the only things I love and laugh with. They are so sweet and innocent. They are. Even Sugar at his meanest is still better than a person at their best. I'm so lucky to have them. I love watching them do anything and everything,-sleep, play, watching birds and lizards outside,....too cute. Anyways~nothing else new. This month went by so fast. It seems like just yesterday it was New Year's Eve. I'm just going thru the motions. Not really living life like I know I should. I just hurt so much, and I'm so damn angry I don't know what to do with it all. I don't know.