NOT the way to start the day.

Ya know,...there are some things that really annoy the crap outta me,(besides cellphones, and leaf-blowers, as you already know.) Like when the lawn jockeys come extra early to mow your lawn,(try 7:30AM,) and then proceed to wreck your landscaping AND break both gates of our wooden privacy fence while they were at it. To make things worse,...my husband went out there to play Charades with them since they don't speak english, and ask them to, -ahem,....be careful not to mess up anything else in the yard, and to be careful of the fence,....and after a few minutes of this,- the guy says to him in perfect english,...."so do you want me to finish cutting the grass or not?" My husband stormed back in, and went right back to bed for the rest of the day. Now let me tell you that is not how I want to start my day. I woulda went out there and tore him a new piehole, but then I woulda had to explain why the rest of the yard wasn't done. (And we don't have a lawn mower, otherwise I woulda finished it and/or done it me-self.) To say the least, these guys are so unbelievably careless. Everytime they finish, our pool looks like a lilypond and then we have to go out and clean the pool for an hour,....in this heat,....yeah, I know, I'm lucky to have a pool,....but what good is it if you can't swim in it because it's not clean because the lawn crew don't know how to use a bag or what not. Is it me or what? Not to mention the teenager who lives across the street from us, and you can hear his bass in his car TWO BLOCKS away! My cats run and hide!(and I'm NOT kidding.)He gets up early sometimes,(6 or 7am) and then sometimes he stays out late, and hearing that at 3 or 4 in the morning is NOT fun. Don't people have more respect than that? I mean I do. I never want someone to look at me and think what an idiot I am for having my music so loud, you can hear it two godamn blocks away! Jeez. Then there is the family that has the sweetest dog in the world, but they open the door and she goes flying out, and Lord knows it could get hit by a car, but usually she makes a beeline for our house because of the kitties, and if we have our garage door open, all hell breaks loose. The cat freaks out, the dog barks, the lady yells for her to come back, and we all are inside not knowing what the hell is going on!!! What else can I bitch about? Oh yeah, can't wait for the Fourth of July fireworks. It started already here. How bout you-all?

R.I.P.

What an unbelievable sad day it is. I watched the 12noon news today before going to work, and was so sad to hear that Farrah Fawcett had died. I loved her on Charlie's Angels as a kid. She was the exact opposite of what I looked like, but I wanted to look like her at all costs, and tried my damned-est! I didn't understand at that age that it just would never be. I kept thinking if I straightened my hair, put Sun-In in it, bought the same outfits, I could somehow look like that. Little did I know just how much EVERYONE wanted to look like that. So horribly sad. And you might find this kinda odd, but when she posed in Playboy years later when she turned 50 I think it was, I was out like a shot to buy it. I had to have it. She mesmerized me still years later seeing how beautiful she was in that pictorial. And then while I was at work, a customer nonchalantly told me that Michael Jackson had just died. I had no idea he was sick, in the hospital, or having any kinda health problems. Jeez, I was kinda embarassingly stunned. I really thought she was joking it was so far-fetched to me. But sure enough, a minute later on the radio, they announced it. I sat there numb, and shell-shocked. All the great memories of him,....how could he just be gone?-just like that? So sad,....I remember waiting all day to see 'Thriller' in it's entirety on MTV. I loved it! I wanted to be Ola Ray,...walking down the street with him singing to me. Seeing him dance put me in awe. I never got to see him live, but seeing him perform on TV was so exciting, he always had a new, cool, dance move. ALWAYS. Forgetting all the other crap people have to bring up about him, I chose to remember the things that made me smile and happy watching him. What an inspiring performer he was. I will truly miss both of them. Rest In Peace.

Stormy nappy day.

Today was (to me) a great day. I did absolutely nothing, and I loved every minute of it. It stormed most of the day,...and I sat in Monkey's room with her and she cleaned herself to sleep in my lap. It's the very first time she has ever done that, and I almost cried. She is such a sweet little thing. She just wants to be near someone. All she wants is companionship, and someone to pet her, and play with her. She was calm, and love-y. Anyhow,....we had 'severe storm warnings' all over South Florida, so it was ideal for napping and laying around in our jammies. I didn't get dressed until almost 9pm when I ran to the grocery store to buy toothpaste,(because we were totally out, and I CANNOT live without brushing my teeth a few times a day!) So,...my husband went off to his weekly poker game, I'm sitting here with Monkey laying on her pillow next to me as I write, and Sugar is in the back patio sitting in his little bed. He loves to be outside. I've never seen a cat enjoy the outdoors so much,....and the last three days or so, we have had 'severe heat warnings,' and we let him out as little as possible. He just likes to sit and be out in the air, I guess,(what little there is of it with this humidity.) I'm doing laundry as we speak. Ya know,....sometimes I wonder how people survive now-a-days. There is just too much stress on people for every little thing. I can barely keep up with just my husband and I, Sugar, and a kitten. (I guess all the legal stuff doesn't help either.) How do people cope? I either shop endlessly,....eat sugar until I'm literally sick to my stomach, or not eat at all, and sleep. It's no wonder I can't keep a thought in my head long enough to say it! Oh well,....we all have our 'things', right?

Just today

I got a pink Blackberry on eBay last November,(for only $90,can you believe it?!It's used but who cares!) and changed out the SIM card, and have been using it ever since, but only as a phone,....never got the internet or email hooked-up,.....and yesterday I finally got all the other stuff included in my cellphone package. Pretty cool to have eBay, and email, and my blog (and the whole internet world) w/ me at the drop of a hat. It feels like a whole new phone.(I mean it basically is to me,...I've only had it for 8 months, so to me whether it's used or not it's new.) I just have to figure out all the little stuff, which I love to do, but it's not like a laptop. I haven't figured out how to bid on stuff yet thru my phone. I got the email thing figured out, ---that was pretty easy. The rest will just come with playing and figuring things out on it, I guess. So,...I did that yesterday, and I started out my day w/ my husband taking me to breakfast (at 1:30pm) to our favorite local diner right down the street. It was great,....I could eat breakfast like that for lunch and dinner, anytime, day or night. I ended up going to our condo out east to do some more packing. I brought some clothes and shoes over, that was much needed. Now that my husband and sister put in our master bedrm. closet, we can hang stuff, and we have shelves, etc. I almost feel normal, what with the closet, clothes, and my cellphone. Scary, huh? I know,..........little things right now make me the happiest. Anyhow,...I'm playing with lil Monkey, and looking out at our pool in the backyard, and I have to start getting ready for work in about an hour,.....and right this second I feel like the luckiest person in the world. I'm happy at the moment,....

A Moment in my World and Mind

I have tomorrow off from work, and I am so glad. I'm watching Monkey run around and play, and Sugar just went outside,....my husband is playing cards with his buddies in the neighborhood, and I just wish we could be happy and settled, and know what we are doing. I hate feeling 'unsettled'. It seems like as soon as we get comfortable somewhere,....it all changes. Will we ever get stable? I wonder where we will be? I'll have to start all over at another job,....just to start all over again kills me. I'm finally comfortable at my job now and I didn't even want it. I almost hoped they wouldn't call me back, but they did, and I like it, and I'm comfortable, and it's close to (so-called) home. So what else could I ask for? I'm lucky I have a job. Right? Right? And today I actually got stuff done before and after work. Starting to come around. Friday is D-Day for the gym and/or working out in someway again. It will be a year to the day that I stopped working-out, and was so traumatized by all that had happened and gone on. My husband wasn't home for 72 hours, and I was literally in shock,......literally. Our home was ripped to shreds by asshole cops of every sort; local PD,FBI, and DEA. Cabinets ripped outta the walls,complete walls knocked out, furniture overturned, drawers emptied, closets torn out, doors off hinges,....shall I go on? Even our cars were 'tossed'. It took us SEVEN WHOLE MONTHS to get our house 'liveable' again. I cried almost every single day. I couldn't do a thing. I almost slid back into not being able to drive, or go anywhere alone again. Almost. Thankfully I didn't break. I couldn't or it would've been that much harder for my husband. He has been thru far too much. You have no idea,....and he is such a great man. I am so lucky to have him in my life,....honest. There is no one like him to me,....EVER. He is college/book smart, way street smart, can hold a conversation with anyone and impress every last one. He can be down and dirty with the best of them, and is so handsome, it hurts. I am a lucky, lucky gal,-no lie. I just wonder where our journey will led us, and where we will end up? Here, or Canada? Near my sister-in-law in Boca, or further away near my brother in Georgia? I would love to move and get alot of land, and have dogs, and kitties. A home. A real home with a front and back porch you can sit on and relax in the early mornings, or late nights, and just enjoy the quiet and peacefulness. And overlook all our property and see wild animals roaming,....and not have neighbors overlooking everything you do. A place that has charm and space to be comfortable, not pretentious, ---a place that is roomy, not cold. I picture hardwood floors, fireplaces, and old creaky heavy wood doors. Windows that open up-and-down, screened doors that squeek and slam, and porches that are comfortable enough to put rockers or swings on, and sit happily. A big wooded yard with some sort of water, whether it be ocean, river or lake, we wouldn't care. Feeders for all the wild animals would be built on our property. Only the best for them. ABSOLUTELY NO HUNTING OR YOU WILL BE HUNTED signs posted from one corner to the other on the property. It's just what I picture in my little idyllic world. Whether it ever happens or not, it's what I hope for. Peace and happiness and to be with my husband,....is that asking for too much?

A Better Time Now

I am feeling better. I always get more emotional and stressed whenever we have to go to court. We went this past Friday, and the prosecutor didn't show up. So,....another date was set, and we wait, and worry til the next one comes and drives us crazy.And I start all over again. Sorry you-all. Other than that, nothing else new with me. No new eBay stuff either. (I haven't been in the mood,-now you know I'm out of it, when I don't feel like shopping!) Anyhow,....my little Monkey is doing great,....we let her out of her room a few times a day when Sugar isn't inside. She gets so excited and runs like a child from room to room, smelling and touching everything. She is adorable. But if Sugar meows and wants in, the little one has to go back in her room, and play. (I usually will go in there so she knows she isn't being punished. I don't want her feeling like that.) So,-so far,-so good. She's very mischievous tho,....she makes me feel like I'm watching a child. It's quite funny actually. My husband finds it adorable. He had no idea a kitten could be so fun, but such work at the same time. THATS why I know he would adore a dog. Our kitties follow him around the house, (both of them!) and even run to him when they are scared. It's the cutest thing to see. Really,...this big, muscled, tattoo'd man, with these sweet kitties running to him and hiding behind him. Too cute! Anyhow~thanks for everyone's concerns,....just bear with me, and when this is all over, I will somehow be a better, stronger person for it. I sure will have some story to tell,-that's for sure. (I can't talk about it all now, because everything is still pending and going on,-if ya know what I mean.) So,...I'm off to play with little Monkey, and I have tomorrow off THANKFULLY.) I'll write more this week. And I'm loving watching 'Burn Notice' again. Makes me happy,happy, happy. (Besides, Sam is HOT and so is Fi. Love them. Gives me incentive. Something has to.)

Nothing from nothing IS nothing

I feel trapped in a little box called my life. I go to work, I come home, play with lil Monkey and Sugar, talk with my husband, eat some dinner, and get ready for bed. Thats how it goes, day after day,....week after week. I don't know when all this stress will end. I see myself years ago,...and I don't remember the last time I've even felt attractive. I'm 40lbs. heavier, my hair is 8 inches shorter, my body and face hasn't seen the sun in years, and I haven't been to the gym in a year as of June 19th(of last year.) I have disinagrated before my own eyes. I try to care,...but sometimes I wonder what for. Sometimes I remember what it was like to not worry about my looks. I never knew I looked okay until now. I look back, and wonder how I got to now,I'm just a mess. A TOTAL MESS. I never knew how good I had it until now. I feel like the best years of me are gone,.....totally passed me by, and I'm only 44. I watch other women,....my age,.....and I now know,-I am a total goner. I just can't seem to care enough about myself,......I'm so tired all the time,....I just want to nap with my kitty, and never leave my bedroom. That or just walk around the mall for hours on end, looking at all the pretty clothes, shoes, and jewelry. Just people watch. I'm always so curious about people,.....I don't like them, but I am curious, I have to admit. It's a weird catch-22. I am so thankful tho for the little things,.....seeing my kitty happy outside playing,....thunderstorms and cuddling,....holding my husband's hand at night falling asleep,....the little things. Why can't I be thankful for little old me?

My little life, my little mind.

Sometimes my life feels like a dream. It seems so surreal right now, but I'm sure everyone can say that one time or another in their lifetime. I look back at all that has happened in my little life, and moments, feelings, things that have actually happened and wonder how I ever survived it all. Is it like that for everyone? I wonder if it's just me, or I'm just looking into a neverending story, with an ending that no one knows the outcome. I'm so scared right now; I go to sleep scared, I wake-up feeling scared and doomed. I'm happy to go to work, yet the responsibility puts pressure on me that I sometimes feel I can't handle. I feel like I could break at any moment. I'm so on the edge, I'm trying anything to make me not think. This little kitten just opens my heart, and yet I still feel pressure trying to make sure I'm doing everything right by her. I watch the news, and there is someone in Dade, and Broward County mutilating cats. This is so heinous, I fantasize about catching this thing of a person, and torturing them slowly. I mean that 'thing' is disembowling them and leaving them on people's front lawns,(usually the owners.) Oh please let me catch someone doing that,-I think I would even surprise myself at how horribly mean, and cold I could be right now the way I've been feeling. Sometimes I don't know how to reel myself in. I feel like if the time was right, one wrong person could say or do the wrong thing, and I will just go off. (That is a horrible feeling to be on edge for as long as I have.) We have a meeting with our lawyer this Weds. and now he says that things are 'looking up.' (So much for those wonderful depositions we have read. I hate you cops and DEA guys. The whole lot of you. Liars you are! Asshole Pigs.) I try to keep the time to myself occupied on here writing,-that helps. It honestly makes me feel better to just let it out. I just don't know how to feel good anymore. Jeez,-I thought I had problems before all this,.......life was a piece of cake then. Now I just sit alone alot, without the TV, or radio, not even listening to music. And cry alot,...then become angry, and cry some more. I just need quiet,....and for everyone to just leave me alone. (Not my kitties tho.) That is the only thing that brings me peace. Any animal really. So innocent and sweet they are. They just want to be loved, and paid attention to, right? People have to bring the ugliness out, and abuse, neglect, and hunt them. This is how I have come to hate people. Really. We ruin everything and anything good in this world.

I just can't handle it.

I'm trying so hard to keep myself always occupied. What with work, and Sugar and the new kitten, (Monkey), I do get that done most of the time.(But with 'Breaking Bad' having had it's season finale Sunday night, I'm all bent outta shape.)On a dead serious note, -we got the 'depositions' in the mail from our lawyer, and read again all the awful stuff that had happened to us last year,....I kinda lost it. My day off I just couldn't get going, and I couldn't focus on anything, and I could'nt even get out of my jammies. I mean, I am paranoid as hell right now. What with our lawyer telling us we shouldn't live in our neighborhood because he basically thinks the cops will be 'after us' if my husband doesn't get any kinda 'jail time' for the stupid thing that was found in our house. I am so damn angry I wanna scream. What the hell kinda world do we live in that we have to be AFRAID of the cops? I am so unusually angry, and mad, and paranoid, and just plain tired of always being on guard. I don't know how this will all end up, but it's just becoming too much. I guess we will have to put our beautiful house up for sale, and our other two properties, and move somewhere out of the area. I mean this really sucks. I really think I should go talk to a shrink or something. I can't handle anything right now. I just am at my wit's end as to how to relax, and I can't tell you the last time my husband and I went out to dinner and had any fun. It's been so long since anything good has happened in our lives. I never thought we would be in this spot. Not in a million years. I would've laughed in someone's face, and bet my life that this could've never happened to us,...but it did, and it has, and we are facing some ugly possibilities in our lives. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but it's hard, and old real fast trying to keep a front on all the time, ya know? I guess now I know if my husband has to 'go away' for awhile, I definitely can't stay in our house alone. No way. I just don't know anything,.......it's so hard to not know your future. It makes me crazy thinking I'll be away from my husband for ANY AMOUNT OF TIME. Just a moment at a time I guess,....I don't have a choice. It just really sucks, and it's not fair, and I hate the world right now, and people, and cops,........and everything. It's not fun feeling watched and unsafe from the cops in your own home.