Saturday, June 6, 2009

My little life, my little mind.

Sometimes my life feels like a dream. It seems so surreal right now, but I'm sure everyone can say that one time or another in their lifetime. I look back at all that has happened in my little life, and moments, feelings, things that have actually happened and wonder how I ever survived it all. Is it like that for everyone? I wonder if it's just me, or I'm just looking into a neverending story, with an ending that no one knows the outcome. I'm so scared right now; I go to sleep scared, I wake-up feeling scared and doomed. I'm happy to go to work, yet the responsibility puts pressure on me that I sometimes feel I can't handle. I feel like I could break at any moment. I'm so on the edge, I'm trying anything to make me not think. This little kitten just opens my heart, and yet I still feel pressure trying to make sure I'm doing everything right by her. I watch the news, and there is someone in Dade, and Broward County mutilating cats. This is so heinous, I fantasize about catching this thing of a person, and torturing them slowly. I mean that 'thing' is disembowling them and leaving them on people's front lawns,(usually the owners.) Oh please let me catch someone doing that,-I think I would even surprise myself at how horribly mean, and cold I could be right now the way I've been feeling. Sometimes I don't know how to reel myself in. I feel like if the time was right, one wrong person could say or do the wrong thing, and I will just go off. (That is a horrible feeling to be on edge for as long as I have.) We have a meeting with our lawyer this Weds. and now he says that things are 'looking up.' (So much for those wonderful depositions we have read. I hate you cops and DEA guys. The whole lot of you. Liars you are! Asshole Pigs.) I try to keep the time to myself occupied on here writing,-that helps. It honestly makes me feel better to just let it out. I just don't know how to feel good anymore. Jeez,-I thought I had problems before all this, was a piece of cake then. Now I just sit alone alot, without the TV, or radio, not even listening to music. And cry alot,...then become angry, and cry some more. I just need quiet,....and for everyone to just leave me alone. (Not my kitties tho.) That is the only thing that brings me peace. Any animal really. So innocent and sweet they are. They just want to be loved, and paid attention to, right? People have to bring the ugliness out, and abuse, neglect, and hunt them. This is how I have come to hate people. Really. We ruin everything and anything good in this world.

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