Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Lost, and can't be found

Well Happy New Year to me. The holidays suck. I'm so glad they are over. Ya know how I feel sometimes? You ever watch Al Pacino in 'Scent of a Woman' when he's done driving the Ferrari? He's all depressed, feeling like his life is over. It's sad, and that's how I feel alot. I spend time with Munky,....I spend time with my husband,...and it's fun for a little while, but I don't feel at peace anymore. I just don't feel like me anymore in my own skin. Is that even possible? To make matters worse, my friend at work is having a really hard time,-his sister is barely surviving in the hospital right now, and he is just hurting so bad. It makes me hurt seeing him and his family going thru this. It really looks like she isn't going to make it either. She bartends right across the street from where we work, and she got sick, and has no insurance, and didn't want to pay the money to go see a doctor, and let it go thinking she was going to get better, and,....well,....she wasn't getting better and her roomate made her go to the ER where her father works, and she collapsed. Within 10 hours she was put on life support, and within 24 hrs. of that her liver and kidneys are failing. It was pnuemonia. (sp.?) THAT'S why this country needs help for people without any health insurance. That was me 20 yrs. ago, it could've been at anytime. No health insurance for the longest time,....that could've been me. One day she was alive and now, well, we don't know. It's awful. Horrible. Will I ever feel right again? Ever? I keep waiting to come back to the old me, that faithfully worked-out, ate right, did cardio, and always, but always kept in shape,.......now,....I'm that 45 yr.old haggy woman that thinks about what used to be. When did I become this? When? I feel like I'm someone else,...but I don't know who that is. I don't. I have no friends anymore,....not anyone that I can really talk to, because I wouldn't talk to anyone when everything happened to us. I was too ashamed,....too hurt, too unstable,....too scared of everything,-still am. When does this stop? I'm always so paranoid too. I just can't seem to get back to where I was,.....and I don't know how to even start. Now what? I don't know where I go from here in my head.

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