Nous sommes signifies pour etres

Here I am on my usual Saturday night after work, I have the next two days off, and I'm happy and carefree as a clam. I love when I have two days off in a row. Love, love, love. And that's about all I'm loving these days. I've decided to take a 'leave of absence' from work starting on Aug.22nd. I'm going to help my mom move up to Jupiter, and look for a house to buy. We'll stay at my sister's house together until she finds something. I just have such a hard time facing the fact that my poor mother is going thru all this, and there is nothing I can do, AGAIN, to make her feel better. Nothing. This helpless feeling eats you alive. It really does that to me. I talked with my mom just yesterday when she got back from seeing her boyfriend at the hospital, and she told me they told her he had a stroke in the night sometime,....so on top of all the other things he has wrong with him, that happens. Horrible, horrible way for anyone to end up. It's breaking my mother's heart, and that breaks my heart. I know I need to be there for her, to help get her settled, and comfortable. My oldest brother, and his wife are coming down next week(from GA.) to help her pack, and they are going to get as much stuff as they can up to my sister's house,....but until then,....she's going to stay in that big house alone until I get there. Sooooo,....yeah,...that's my plan. It'll be hard to be away from Munky and the kittehs,and of course!, my husband, but I gotta do what I gotta do. My mom has always been there for me, every single time in my life,....and I can't imagine not helping her when she needs me most. I can't. People who don't have good relationships w/ there parents and family just kills me,...I would do anything in the world for any of my siblings and my mom. ANYTHING. I'll never understand anything other than that. Never. What I would give to have my father back, what I'd give to have my in-laws back,....or my husbands sister who passed away right before I met him. People who take their family for granted will never understand them not being in this world anymore. It's very draining,....you never stop missing them, or wanting to talk to them, or just holding their hand, and knowing they are there for you,.....never,....sometimes it drains every ounce of everything outta me, and I know it does the same with my husband. He has had virtually every close friend he has ever had pass away, starting with when I met him. Too many for anyone to go thru at any age. One of them is what split us up at the time,....we both just couldn't handle the fact that our friend committed suicide one night after he left our place, and we usually turn off our phone when we go to bed, and we were the last 8 calls he made, and that was it. They found him at his grandparents house,overdosed. When we got up the next morning, his girlfriend,(who we all four hungout together,) called us at 7am, and told us what had happened and the next thing was the police knocking on our door to interview us about the night before. It stunned us like nothing ever had. We both just stayed in our own little world blaming ourselves, and letting it eat us alive. Yep. My husband drank, and drank like I'd never seen before in our 13 yrs. together. And I back-peddled into my own depression,...and it escalated to us splitting up. My husband went to New York to see his ex-wife, and I bought my own place and moved out into an unknown world to me. It was a very strange, life-changing thing for us both. I try to honestly NEVER take my husband for granted since then. I know how lucky I am for us to have gotten back together, and realize we were 'meant to be'. He's not one for cliche' things like that, but he agrees,....we are 'meant to be'.

No silver linings

Ok, so I've been working like an animal, and haven't been shopping anywhere at all. I'm still depressed, overweight, and energy-less. Nothing can change it but me, and I don't know where or how to get that energy. My mom is going thru a horrible time,....her spouse of almost 15 yrs. is in a nursing home and most likely won't be coming home again. She is having a very hard time dealing with this even tho she went thru it with my father. I'm really trying to be there for her as much as I can being over an hour away,...but I'm actually thinking of taking a leave of absence from wk. to help her some more. It's killing me that she's far away, and not near any family for her to lean on when she needs it most. I still have to talk to my husband about it, but I'm pretty sure he will be okay with it. My mom has decided to move near my older sister, but will be staying with her until she finds a place she likes. Thank god my mom is more than good financially, in this day and age, it's a miracle anyone is really. It'll be much easier for all our family to see everyone with three out of five kids, and our mom living all in one area tho. (That's the bright side I keep telling her.) Hey,- I'm trying to show her the silver lining,(too bad I can't take my own advice.) So from Key Largo, to Jupiter she will move next month. I wish my husband and I were moving there too, to be honest. Sooooo,.....my older brother and his wife will be coming down from GA. and my other brother will help too, so we will have the whole gang almost. So,...yeah, it's still hard, I will miss him alot,....it's like losing another father again almost. The next month or two will be very hard for all involved. It'll make me forget my crappy self, and focus on my wonderful mommy. Maybe that's what I need. And I'm still upset about not being able to go to my nieces wedding in Sept. in GA. Legally I can't go, so that's that. So it's really no decision to be made there, (which I HATE.) September will be my last month on probation. I'm DONE after that. This whole legal clusterf*c% will be over and done with,....completely out of our lives.(Sorry 'bout the language.) I won't know how to act tho. Wow. I mean really, it'll be 4 years of hell done with. I don't remember what normal life is like. And can you imagine when we move even? It will be totally, totally normal, and like nothing ever happened. It's so hard to imagine,....it's like a dream, a road that's far away, and you keep getting closer and closer, but you think you will never really make it,....that's how I feel about this whole thing being over. I can talk all I want about it, but it won't make a difference until it really happens. It won't. And even then, we've been held down for so long now, you don't know how to come back up and adjust even when it is over. Yeah,-that's how my husband feels right now. Just can't adjust. I guess that's how my mom feels. No silver linings there. Not for any of us I guess.

Unlucky I guess

Now this is why I don't want to live in South FL. I will put this in a nutshell as simple as possible. Last night someone went to buy some soda and beer at a corner gas station/quick mart kinda store, and got some sorta BIG MACHINE GUN put in their face. Come to find out, they walked smack into the middle of a FED/DEA sting where this store/gas station was actually selling coke and weed to customers! Yes, you heard me right. How's that for being an entrepreneur?! It's always something,....I just have a hard time thinking how that person(s) got to that choice, and in their mind thought that it was a good idea. I mean, REALLY? Really? I shouldn't be shocked, or surprised, but I am. Things like this continually surprise me and they shouldn't at all. My husband always asks me why I'm so shocked? Nothing surprises him, or fazes him, like it does me. He's seen and heard it all, believe me. I guess that's why we balance out. I get a little panicky in emergencies, and he stays calm, cool, and collected. I've seen him not blink in eye in the worst of situations, and I wish I was like that, but I'm just not no matter how hard I try. The last bad hurricane we had here, we stayed up all night, fell asleep about 7am, and it hit, I woke up all panicky and scared, ran to all the windows looking outside, and woke up my husband, and he started calmly checking the house, and well I fell asleep again, I guess, knowing now that he was up and checking things that we would be safe, and boy, I slept good then. (We still laugh about it.) I always tell him he's my knight in shining armor, my hero, always has been, always will be. So it was a strange night last night hearing that story,......goes to show(myself) that we aren't the only ones with horrible luck. It's like that saying that I always try to remind myself that we ARE lucky in ALOT of ways: your unlucky because you have no shoes, until you see someone with no feet. You get it, and I'm trying to still.