Monday, November 2, 2009

One of the reasons I HATE people

Right this minute everything feels okay. I wish I always felt like this. My husband is napping next to me, Munky is laying next to me watching TV, and I'm on here. It's so nice and comforting when I feel like this,......I wish I never had to leave home,....even tho I don't always feel like that either. I'm not totally comfortable anywhere I'm at anymore. I still love this house,-our home,- but it's just not like it was before everything happened once again. Everyday I get up and have to make myself care about getting things done, cleaning the house, and even getting in the shower. I've never been this uncaring about myself in my entire life. It's awful. I'm just not at ease no matter what anymore,-that much is clear. My sister-in-law has been everything to me and my husband helping us get thru all this nightmare which started 15 months ago, and still hasn't ended. I now know and understand my problems as to why I like to shop the way I do. I don't drink, do drugs, or even swear, but my one big achilles heel is shopping. And I know why I do it, compensate for the way I feel about whats going on in my life. In the beginning it was because of my phobias, and anxiety, and not wanting to be alone,-physically,- now it's my nerves, and feelings of always being harassed/watched/ by police. I can't wait to get outta this house and neighborhood,'s just so damn depressing, I always thought this house would be home,...and we would live happily ever after. NOW,....not so much. And my outlook about people has gotten worse and worse everyday. I hate 'em all, I really do, kittys are the best thing in my life except for my husband and family. People never cease to amaze me at how mean, deceiving, and rotten they can be. I am not a fan. I need to be around animals somehow. I need to make a negative a positive in my life, because if I go on like this, all this hatred will eat me alive somehow. It really will. And if I ever get outta this mess of life we got into here, I have to turn it around and be positive in some sort of way. Something has to give,.....I just hope its not me.

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